The Past Forgotten
by hundan
Summary: "I'm sorry, I don't know you" Tony said, simply. Like that one single comment hadn't ripped her heart out and stomped all over it. She was his partner, she's not meant to be forgotten by him of all people.
1. Chapter 1

Started working on this new one, and I am really starting to get into it. I have a feeling this will be a rather long one so be prepared for that :P However my updates probably won't be as fast as they used to be because I'm working a lot of courses and late nights lately so I don't get as much time as I would like to for writing, but I'll do my best.

I hope you like this one.

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Dedicated to my very own partner in crime, Bianca.

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To begin with she didn't think the idea of spending two days with Sarah and her friends at a day spa would really be able to keep her entertained, but maybe she'd forgotten just how relaxing it was, and how fun it was with a group of humorous women. She didn't normally take time off work, hardly ever, and Gibbs was surprised when she asked for the time off but he'd happily let her take it, because they haven't been busy lately and they had no case.

It was good to get away for a little, even if it was only a few days. Any longer than that and in all honesty she would actually miss it, because she loves her job, no matter long the hours and how hard it could be some days.

It wasn't until the moment Gibbs walked into the day spa, with that look on his face and she thought that maybe she was going regret taking the time off. She stood from her seat and placed down her wine, approaching the older man with the stricken look upon his face. She didn't like that look on his face, that worry so dark in his eyes. What had happened while she'd been gone? It couldn't be that bad, right? She hadn't even been gone for very long, only a day so far. However the look on his face told her otherwise.

"Gibbs?" was all she said, and it held all her questions in the one word. Why was he here? What was wrong?

"I'm sorry to have to do this" he whispered. One, Gibbs doesn't apologize, two, he hardly ever lowers his voice quite like this. It had her terrified. "You might have to end your day off" he said. She notices the way his hands toy with each other, _that_ was _not_ normal in any instance with Gibbs. And that's when she first notices the blood around the cuffs on his sleeves. Her heartbeat quickened almost right away.

"What happened?" she asked, taking a step closer to him. He was too quiet, too quiet for Gibbs. "What happened?" she repeated louder, more demanding. He was struggling with telling her for some reason, why? He lifted his eyes and looked right into hers. She knew why, because of _who_ it was. He knows she won't take news like this about her best friend too well, her partner. Gibbs knows how close they are.

"He's in the hospital" Gibbs stated, starting to fill her in. It was hard, because she wasn't going to like this. She was going to get very upset and he doesn't want to be the trigger to set her off, but he's going to have to. She's ticking away and just waiting for him to pull the pin that'll set her off.

"How bad?" she asks. She's trying to make this easier for him to say, easier for her to take in, because just the look he is giving her right now tells her it's bad. Very bad. And all the while Sarah and her friends watch on. No one except for Sarah understands who the old guy is, or what's going on. And Sarah has enough wits about her to keep quiet, because this doesn't sound good, and she knows how Ziva handles bad news. Normally not the best, but no one could really blame her. It could go one of two ways, and Sarah doesn't like seeing her friend experience either of the two.

"He's been shot" Gibbs explained. Ziva took in a sharp breath and her head immediately spun. Why wasn't she there? She should have been there, no matter what. She's meant to have his back. _Always_.

"Where?" this was the most important detail, this explained everything she needed to know. Because this will tell her exactly how serious it was. Gibbs goes to say the word but it took him effort to force the word from his mouth, and as soon as he said it, she froze.

She heard two voices calling her name, one was Gibbs, and the other was Sarah. She looked around and suddenly she saw the both of them standing in front of her, trying to get her to respond.

"The head?" she suddenly burst out with, realising what he'd said before she'd frozen still. She was terrified, worried, upset, angry, and it was all crushed into her at once. She felt like breaking down, but she knew that she had to be strong right now. Gibbs nodded slowly while Sarah was looking at her very concerned, and not only for Ziva, she knows Tony and even if she doesn't know him that well, it was still upsetting for her to hear. And she knows just how much this is crushing Ziva right now.

Ziva takes in a deep breath and closes her eyes, trying to calm herself down. She needed to be calm and collected right now.

"I'm sorry Sarah-" she began to apologize for leaving but Sarah quickly cut her off.

"No, do not worry about it, it is fine. You go see him, make sure he's okay, alright?" Sarah asked, she hoped he would be okay, she didn't know too much about gunshot wounds to the head, but she's sure they are very serious. Ziva nodded at her and gave her a small smile, a very sad smile at that. "And call me okay?" Sarah asked. She wanted to know if he was okay, and she wants to know how she will be holding up after seeing him and finding out _exactly_ how bad it is.

"Yes, I promise" Ziva assured her as she took her into a tight hug, something she really needed right now and Sarah knows she's not a big hugger, and that the hug had been longer than normal. But she needs it.

* * *

She's quiet the whole way to the hospital and Gibbs doesn't know if that is a bad or good thing. He half expected her to be asking a thousand questions, who the person was that shot him? Did they get him? Was Tony responsive? But no she didn't say anything in the ride there, and it felt like such a longer trip than it should have. He couldn't help but shift his eyes to look across at her constantly, wondering if he should say something? Because he could see the way her hands were shaking ever so slightly and the way her breathing was off and her eyes glistened in a way he wish they wouldn't. This was going to really break her, if it hadn't already. Because he's seen Tony, he knows how bad it is.

To be honest, he doesn't know if Tony will pull through.

The first time she speaks up is when they pull into the hospital car park.

"Did you get him?" she asked as she stepped out of the car, looking over at Abby's car which she can see a few spaces down.

"Yes" was Gibbs' returned answer, and that's all she needed to know about that, all she needs to know is how he is, but she would rather judge that by seeing herself, because Gibbs' face had told her as much as he can.

She follows Gibbs as he takes them to where she needs to be, and she's almost hugging to his side as they walk the corridors in the hospital, because she needs to be closer to people right now, not that she would admit that though. But Gibbs understands. They hit a corridor and suddenly the horror of what happened hits her a little more. McGee is pacing the shiny white floor, he has far too much blood covering his clothes for Ziva's liking and she realised that he must have been the first one to get to Tony, and how hard he had tried to do everything he could to save him.

Abby was sat in a plastic chair to the side and watches with tears in her eyes as McGee walks in front of her, if what happened hadn't hurt her enough, watching Tim be as distraught as he is kills her. And that didn't make Ziva feel too great. Ducky walks around the corner with a doctor then and they are in full conversation, Ducky seems to be on the edge of arguing with the doctor and that's something she doesn't really see from the gentle soul he is. Maybe the doctor wasn't giving Ducky the information he needed.

Tim suddenly stopped in his tracks and looked up at her and Gibbs when he felt their presence, and he didn't try hide the fact from her that there were tears in his eyes, however he did fold his hands over his chest in an attempt to hide his blood stained shirt, however she'd seen enough already to know how bad it was. Tim goes to say something but then he suddenly closes his mouth, Ziva turns to Gibbs and realized he'd given the younger agent a look that said he shouldn't attempt to apologize to Ziva. Why would he be apologizing to her anyway? Tony wasn't _hers_.

Abby must have caught the look too because she stays more quiet than expected. She didn't like anything of what she was witnessing, she didn't recognize half of the people she is seeing right now, they were all acting so different to how they should, and that really bothered her. Even if she wanted to break down right now, she would not let herself do it, she would not cry.

Ducky and the doctor's argument made its way to them and the doctor sighed as he looked at the upset group of federal agents in front of him.

"He's just got out of surgery" the doctor began, exactly how much has she missed? "He's stable, but in a coma" he said and Ziva was starting to get her answers. And it wasn't good, just like she had suspected. It looked bad, very bad.

"When will he wake up?" Ziva asked, speaking up the first time since walking into this building. She was more worried about the look Ducky gave her after she asked, because the doctor was probably used to putting on a mask when it came to these situations, Ducky not so much when it's someone he cares about.

"I am unsure at this moment" the doctor said, and that's when she broke, that's the sentence that set her off.

"What do you mean you're unsure at this moment?" she almost yelled, making Abby jump a little in her seat from the sudden outburst. She was taking the angry path right now, it was either that or the emotional breakdown. However she knows that will follow later at some point regardless.

"With an injury such as his, it is very hard to tell when, or _if_ he will wake from his coma" the doctor tried to explain calmly, however Ziva was no longer in a calm mood, she'd held herself together all the way here, but now she could not help but let some emotion out.

"If!?" she sounded incredulous, there was no thinking _'if'_ to her, he cannot die, not on her watch.

"There is a very slim chance for people with this injury to come out of the coma, even if he did he has over ninety percent chance of some sort of brain damage" the doctor was trying to explain to calm her, but it was in turn just digging him an even deeper hole. Gibbs saw her go to take a step forward and he put a hand on her shoulder. She turned to look at him and there was such a deep look in her eyes, her eyes were so dark with emotion. And so suddenly, just a look from Gibbs and she was going from almost wanting to strangle a doctor to hopeless and broken. He watched her eyes tear up and her lip quiver.

"Can I see him?" she asked turning back to the doctor, her voice just above a whisper this time. The doctor hesitated for a second but then he saw something in the younger woman, maybe he saw just how close she is to his patient by the heartbroken look in her eyes. He could just tell there was _something_.

"He's been moved to ICU, but I can take you to see him" he agreed. Ziva just nodded quietly and followed the doctor to the room that Tony was now situated in. She doesn't know if she wants to see him, she doesn't want to see the destruction first hand because it would make it even more real. But she knows she has to see him. She wants to see him more than anything at the same time.

No one follows her from their team, maybe they are just giving her some time because they realize this means more to her, if that was even possible because they all loved him so much. It was just _different_ for her. She hesitates at the door of his room because she sees him lying there, not responsive and there's a big machine he's hooked up to and tubes down his throat. He's pale and the contrast from the blood on the dressing on his head doesn't help her twisting heart.

She takes small steps into the room and slowly makes her way to the side of his bed. The doctor leaves her in peace to herself, because he doesn't believe he needs to intrude. She reaches out and gathers his hand in hers and the stark coldness of his hand doesn't feel right. He's meant to be warm, her Tony is so warm and he's never this quiet.

"You're going to get through this Tony, we are going to get through this, okay?" she states quietly as she runs her thumb gently across his cheek. She understands that he probably cannot hear her right now, but this was more for her than anything. Because she needs him to pull through, her life wouldn't be the same without him in it.

No one else could be the partner like he is to her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Wonderful to see you guys like this one, because I enjoy writing it! Thanks for all the reviews and alerts, they really make my day. Without further ado here is the next chapter! **

**Hundan.**

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Three weeks was a long time to be in a coma for, and the longer Tony lay there unable to move, unable to talk back to her, the more she was beginning to believe that he wasn't going to wake up. Every single day since she found out, she'd been here. Whether it be for the whole day or just at night after work, she'd been here, by his side.

Work was strange, it wasn't right without him there. And it didn't help that Tim had been silently suffering, saying he was all right but really he was still traumatized by what had happened. She had gone over to Tim's place one evening and he actually told her exactly what had happened, and just how terrifying it had been. She and Tim had grown together a little that night, and Tim was very thankful for the help she gave him, even if she was just there for him to let it all out. Because it's not good to keep things bottled up inside, they destroy you.

Gibbs seemed the same, going back into his normal routine, but she knew he was very far from the same man that he was. Ducky was much the same, suffering in his own silence, what was it with their whole team in suffering in their own pain silently? It wasn't right, but yet she had done the same thing for years and she still did. The only one that wasn't was Abby, and her pain was fairly obvious to anyone who entered her lab. She wasn't the same, she was a lot more Goth and a lot less happy.

This event had changed each of their lives.

It was hard when his father had come, because she never thought she would see that man breakdown, but she had, because he'd taken it hard. And she also thought Anthony Senior would never make her cry, but he had, when he'd admitted that he'd lost his wife in a hospital when she was far too young, he didn't want to have that happen again, not when Tony was the last thing he had left.

As she walked into the hospital that evening she was greeted by the floor nurse and Tony's nurse, it was the same every day and they were so used to her coming and going now, it was nothing new. She made her way to Tony's room and took up her place on the seat next to his bed, the amount of hours she spent sitting in that chair was far more than she'd spent in her own apartment in the past few weeks.

She understands that every day when she talks to him, tells him what her day involved and what case they had been working on, that he cannot hear her, that she is pretty much talking to herself. But no one holds that against her, Tony's nurse told her that everyone does it, because it keeps hope within them. And Ziva's holds onto the idea of hope, because all she can do is hope. Even if her hope is fading the longer he's in the coma.

"Nothing much happened today, you haven't missed much this week actually" she begins to chat away to him. She smiles at him when she thinks about a witty response he would have replied with.

"You know we really should get you shaved, even if a bit of facial hair makes you look good, it's just not the federal agent side of you, you know?" she says to him as she brushes her fingers across the stubble on his face. She tries to keep him looking sharp, but he hasn't had a shave since the first week in his coma when she did it for him. Her other hand toys with his hand, she's held onto his hand more in the past weeks than she has with everyone in all her lifetime.

"Tim is getting a little better this week, he's still not the same and he reminds me of you a bit when he starts trying to hide his emotions, but I'm trying to get him to stop that, because I know you never liked doing that" she explains, running her fingers across his. "But you just couldn't help it sometimes, but you were getting better at showing your emotions, and so was I" she said.

"You know I was close to telling you about how I felt about you" she admits. She finds it hard to say that, even if she knows he cannot hear her. She doesn't know why she is admitting it to him, it just sort of comes out.

"Because I know we were close, and things between us had always been different, but I was always scared" she says as her hand grips his a little tighter. "It would be dangerous for us, because of how much we would be risking, and I never could really bring myself to risk you as my partner" she continued. All she got in reply was the hum of machines and the sound of the oxygen pump working away.

"I couldn't risk that, not ever" she says and she felt her hand grip his even tighter. She didn't think she moved her hand, she didn't squeeze tighter, this didn't make sense. Then suddenly she realized, it wasn't her hand that was holding on tighter, it was _his_.

Was she imaging this?

She let go of his hand and looked down at it, it moved again. His fingers twitched.

"Tony?" she whispered, her heart was pounding a mile a minute in her chest. Was this just something people's bodies did in a coma and it didn't mean anything? Or did it mean he was responsive? His hand moved again, this time it made a fist.

"Nurse Paige" Ziva called out towards the corridor. Paige was Tony's attending nurse who checked up on him in the ward he now stayed in. Paige walked into the room when she heard Ziva call out, it wasn't often the woman called out for any assistance.

"His hand is moving" Ziva stated as she pointed down towards the moving appendage. Paige was a little more urgent in her steps towards the bed than she had been coming to the room just now. She saw it flicker, she looked up and smiled at Ziva.

"This is good" Paige said to Ziva, and the other woman's face lit up.

"Is he waking up?" Ziva asked. She wished he would just wake up. Ziva felt disappointed when Paige shook her head.

"It does not mean he is waking up yet, it just means that his body is still functioning, it may mean he may wake up, it may mean nothing, but it makes things a little more likely" Paige explained to her. Ziva just nodded quietly and watched as Paige took a few tests, while she did that Ziva gathered Tony's moving hand back in hers and felt the movement that faded after a short while.

Normally she would go home and get some sleep before the next day at work, but tonight she was staying here, right by his side. Paige had even gone home herself and the night shift staff had taken over. Nothing else had happened after his hand moving.

It was getting late and Ziva was sitting there, half asleep and smiling at Tony, running her fingertips through his very short hair, avoiding the stitches on the wound to the left side of his head. He won't like the new hair style the doctors gave him, because Tony treasured his sandy brown locks and they had been shaved right off. At least he's grown some back, it reminds her off the buzz cut Tim used to have years ago when he cut his hair off.

"You are going to be so upset when you wake up and find all your hair gone" she smiles down at him, because it was true. Even if he'd been in a coma, he will be more worried about the fact his hair was gone.

"It looks good though, sort of like Christian Bale as John Connor, you remember when you made me watch that movie?" she asked, chuckling as she remembered. "It wasn't too bad after all, because the two lead men were very attractive" she smiled. She remembered just how much she rubbed that fact in just to annoy him a little, which it did, but he honestly didn't take it to heart. He never did, because he always knows she's just joking around with him.

Tim thinks she's a little crazy, with how much she talks to Tony like this. He voiced his concern to her one night because it wasn't really a thing he would have pictured her doing. But then again Tony's accident had changed them all a little. She thinks it's strange too sometimes, even if she continues to do it despite the fact. Because it makes her happy, it makes her feel as though he is still here with them, that he hasn't been lost yet. And that's what keeps her going.

Later she will wake up to find out she fell asleep in her chair.

* * *

When she does wake it's not on her own account, it's on the account of trashing and shaking of the bed her head rests on. She lifts her head up as soon as she can, and her heart stops. Right before it starts beating again by thumping so hard against her ribcage she thought it was going to break through her chest.

Tony was awake.

But, she didn't like it right now. Not while he thrashed against the bed, choking on the tubes down his throat. His pain was very obvious.

"Joan!" Ziva screamed out to the night nurse. And she didn't hear footsteps soon enough so she didn't stop. "Joan, come quick!" she continued to yell. Next minute the devil herself came running into the room –okay Ziva isn't a bad person but Joan just really dislikes her, and anyone else who stays overnight, so Abby named her the devil of graveyard shift.

As soon as Joan saw what was going on she rushed over to Tony, put a hand on his shoulder and told him to relax or it was going to hurt, Tony didn't relax for some reason and Joan sighed but continued. Joan called for the doctor on staff tonight and he came running in shortly after.

"He's not calming down" Joan said to Gareth, who was the doctor on duty tonight.

"Tony, you need to keep calm, you are in the hospital, my name is Doctor Gareth Thomas" Gareth explained, trying to calm Tony down. Ziva didn't like how things were going, because Tony still didn't relax and he trashed more, which wasn't helping anyone. Joan held down on both of his shoulders to help restrain his movement. "We are going to take the tube out, okay?" Gareth added as he gripped onto Tony's breathing tube. Tony settled only a slight bit and nodded ever so faintly. Then Gareth pulled the tube free from his throat.

Tony choked and coughed as he attempted to take the breaths on his own. Another thing Ziva was finding hard to watch, because it looked rather painful. Joan placed an oxygen mask on his face to help his breathing and Tony clung to it with his hand, because yeah, that had helped.

"Can you hear me clearly Tony?" Gareth asked, checking to see how his hearing was. There was so much possibility for things to be wrong with Tony, so he had to make sure. He'd been in a coma for a long time after having a serious accident, one which some people don't ever wake up from. Tony nodded slowly as he took deep breaths, the air from his lungs fogging up the plastic mask around his face.

"That's good" Gareth said as he looked to Joan who was noting things down on paper. Ziva noticed that Tony was moving okay on his own, and that was also good. Things were so good, and she couldn't be happier in this moment. Tony pulled the mask from his face, he was gasping for air, but it looked as though he needed to say something.

"Why am I here?" he asked, his voice so raw and rough. Gareth lifted the mask back over Tony's face and placed a hand on his shoulder, he was trying to be comforting.

"Tony you were in an accident, you were shot" Gareth explained and Ziva watched as Tony's eyes went wide and she took a step closer to his bedside, his eyes flickered to her but they went straight back to Gareth, like seeing her meant nothing. That was strange.

"Shot?" he asked incredulously as he pulled the mask away again, like getting shot was the craziest thing to happen to him. Like it wasn't normal. Because even though it sounds terrible, in their line of work getting shot was pretty normal.

"Yes, you were shot when you went out to a homicide call at work" Gareth explained. It was normal for people not to remember the incident, but something felt _off_.

"Homicide? What work?" he asked, freaking out a little. Ziva didn't like this.

"Why doesn't he remember?" Ziva then asked Gareth, a little scared, the worried look on the doctors face didn't help.

"Tony do you remember going to work the morning before your accident?" Gareth asked. He had his suspicions, but he wants to see how bad they really are. Tony shook his head.

"No, I don't know what job you are talking about" he rasped, confused. Gareth hadn't thought it was this bad. Things didn't look good.

"Come on Tony, at NCIS, with me" Ziva stated, butting in. Tony turned and looked at her, stared at her strangely. He shook his head, more confused than ever before.

"I'm sorry, I don't know you" Tony said, simply. Like that one single comment hadn't ripped her heart out and stomped all over it. She was his partner, she's not meant to be forgotten by him of all people. She looked over at Gareth, tears shining in her eyes.

"It's worse than I thought" Gareth whispered to his nurse.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to all the people that enjoyed the last chapter and sent me reviews, I love to hear your thoughts. I'll try reply to them as much as I can! Here is the next chapter for you all. Enjoy! **

**Hundan.**

* * *

"How serious is his memory loss?" Gibbs asks Tony's doctor. When he got a frantic call from Ziva in the middle of the night, half of it he was unable to understand fully because she was trying to get her emotions under control, he was worried. Because he got the basics of it. Tony was awake, but he didn't know who she was, he didn't remember much of anything.

"It's hard to say, we need to do some more tests, but so far it seems as though he doesn't remember much of his life, he remembers small bits like his name and where he'd lived as a child, what he studied in college, a few other small things, but nothing about the past twenty years as far as we can tell" Gareth explained. Gibbs sighed and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. It's not often he gets like this, loses his tough and strong outlook. It wasn't easy hearing this, and it didn't help that he could feel the strong emotional pain rolling off Ziva in wave's right next to him.

"Is it permanent?" Gibbs then asked, this time it was the doctor who sighed, but he hesitated too long for Gibbs' liking "Doc, is it permanent?" he asked, much more stern as he raised his voice.

"I'm not sure, but for this kind of injury, I wouldn't be hoping for too much, it's surprising that he's awake and talking" Gareth states, and Gibbs doesn't like that answer. Ziva beside him didn't like it either because she turned and walked away at that point, she couldn't hear anymore, she didn't want to.

Gibbs spent a little while longer talking to Gareth before he left to let the doctor do his work and then he had to go find where Ziva had got to.

* * *

It doesn't take him long to find her, because after all she's standing outside _his_ room. She's watching through the open door as Gareth and the nurse ask him questions, scribble things on paper.

"I don't know what to do Gibbs" she states in all honesty. He hasn't seen her this shaken since Mike's death, and back then it was Tony who had got her back on her feet, this time that responsibility would fall on him.

"You just need to be strong for him Ziver" he said and he watched as she turned from looking at Tony to look up at him. Her eyes were wet and he would bet that she'd been crying, but not in front of anyone. She never let anyone see her cry if she could help it.

"He doesn't even remember me Gibbs, how am I even meant to do that?" she asked. All Gibbs could do to help was to be positive on this.

"The doctor said he didn't know how long it could last, it could only be a short temporary thing" he said. He didn't like the way she looked at him then.

"And what if it's not Gibbs? What if he never remembers?" she asked. He realised she couldn't help but think about all the things that could go wrong with this. It hurts him to see her do this to herself. He lets out a sigh, because this was hard. What was he meant to say to her?

"If that's the case then you will be there for him, help him with anything he needs" Gibbs explained. Because if Tony didn't get his memory back they will have to help him back on his feet, even if he needs to get to know them again. Ziva nodded slowly but Gibbs could tell she was still very upset, and tired. She hadn't slept well in a long time, because she spent so much time here at the hospital.

Gibbs places a hand gently on her shoulder.

"I think you should get some sleep" he says quietly. He's held back the past few weeks in telling her this, but he thinks that now's the time he needs to go right out there and tell her. She begins to shake her head, and then he gives her a look and she stops. "You haven't had a decent sleep in weeks, and Tony is awake now, and he will be here after you have rested" Gibbs tells her. She nods. Was she really giving in that easy? She must be a lot more tired than she looks. And that's saying something.

"Rest up, and think over some things" he said as he lent in and gave her a brief kiss to the temple. She leant in a stole a short hug, because she needed it.

"Thank you" she said quietly and she softly smiled at him before she turned to look at Tony one more time. He didn't see her, didn't feel her gaze from so far away. He used to be able to feel it, always. She doesn't think this was going to be easy, because she and Tony had been through so much. They were so close.

* * *

She doesn't go home that night, well at least not to her home. It was close enough, because it sort of was her home away from home. It always had been. Tony had always welcomed her in his abode. She has her own key even, because when he gave it to her he told her she was always welcome, she didn't have to ask permission to come into his home. That day, that moment, had meant a lot to her, and to them as friends. And he would probably never remember it.

She walks into his apartment and switches on the lights. She loves his place with its authentic movie posters on the walls, his furniture, his big TV and just the way it screams _him_. She loves it but she hates it. It's all him and it reminds her of him, gives her memories. Like of that time in his kitchen when she tried to teach him how to bake a cake for Tim's birthday, and he'd all but burnt the first cake and she would say that when he started a food fight after that she hadn't expected it, but it had been one of her favourite memories. That's the things she loves. The memories, the ones he won't remember and so she's left with them alone to herself.

Sometimes though remembering is almost like a burden, because it'll be hard knowing all these memories of the past with him, and not having him remember a single thing. That is the thing she hates, because she knows how much of a struggle it will be. She worked with a man in Mossad once who lost his memory from an accident, and he was only a co-worker. It was hard for her to work with him again when he was retrained because he was never quite the same, it was like he lived a different life. And he had a wife and kids, they took it the worst, it was such a struggle for them. It's hard for people closest to them, and she's very close to Tony.

She cannot take anymore thoughts like this, she needs to rest. She locks his door and makes her way down his hallway to the bedroom. She's left it unmade since the last night he slept in it, because when she got really upset on nights when he was in his coma she would come here and sleep in his bed. Because it reminds her of him, it smells so much like him and she loves being surrounded by that. It gives her more memories that she loves but are hard to handle right now. But she would rather remember than forget.

She gets into his room and she pulls open one of his draws, grabs herself one of his old t-shirts and swaps it for the one she's wearing. She slides off her jeans and walks over to his bed, climbing in and pulling the covers over her. She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, almost hoping this is all a bad dream and he'll be right next to her, fine, same old Tony that he used to be. The one that remembers her. She opens her eyes and she's in no such luck. Because he's not there, he's still in the hospital, memory lost.

She's upset about this, and she knows she will be for a long time. Because she doesn't know if he will ever regain his memory, and she cannot start to think how she and Tony will be, will he still get along with her? Be the same as before? She doubts.

* * *

When Gibbs called Tim and told him that Tony was awake he was so happy, and then the news was broken to him about the fact Tony had no real memory of his life before, except for a handful of things years ago. He hadn't taken it well, Abby hadn't taken it well.

And when Tim asked where Ziva was Gibbs had told him he'd sent her home to rest late last night. Then Gibbs had asked him if he'd go check on her, because Gibbs was stuck reassuring Abby and trying to get her to settle down. And so Tim went off in search of his good friend, who he knows will be heartbroken.

He doesn't find her at her place, and he knows exactly where to look. Because he's not as stupid as he acts sometimes, he's knows about them, how close they were. Well, he knew a lot more than most people, but he still didn't know everything. No one but the two of them would know that. He has been around them long enough to see it, feel it even. He acts like he doesn't know, and that he doesn't pay attention, but he does. And he knows just how bad this was going to be for her, because she was the closest person to Tony. Tim knows they are more than just partners, more than friends. It runs deeper than that. But he keeps their secret to himself.

Some would say they were soul mates, but that's just the novelist in him talking.

He uses his key to get into the apartment, because no one answers the door. He knows she's in there though, because her mini is parked outside. He closes the door behind him and calls out her name. No answer. He looks around the place and it's empty and quiet. Just because he knows them more than he should, he knows where she will be.

He makes his way down to the bedroom and knocks on the door. No answer. He opens it slowly and says her name. He watches the sheets in the bed move, and then he sees her sit up.

"Tim?" she questions. He smiles a little because she must have been having a major sleep in because her ninja senses took a while to kick in. Which she deserved, she hasn't been sleeping that well as of late.

"Gibbs sent me to check up on you" he admits honestly. Because he never really could lie to Ziva that well. She switches on the light next to the bed, and Tim can see a faint smile on her face. As good as a smile you would be able to get out of her in this situation.

"Well you can assure him I am fine" she states along with that smile. Trust Gibbs. However Tim is always the loyal errand boy, and it makes her smile a little that Gibbs had sent him to check up on her.

"You say that" was all Tim said. He knows she's not really okay, but he won't ask any further if she doesn't want to tell.

"I guess you know then?" she then asks him. He nods and walks into the room more, sitting on the other side of the bed and leaning against the headboard. Tony would probably kick his ass for sitting on his bed with shoes like this right now, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Then he realizes that Tony doesn't even remember him, and he frowns.

"Abby hasn't taken it well, but I guess none of us will" he replies and she understands where he is coming from. Abby doesn't take bad news very well, that's because she's very out there with her feelings. And no, none of them were going to take this well, because Tony was their friend, and what has happened to him was life changing. And not just for Tony, for all of them.

He watches as Ziva's face saddens, because she hates how much this is upsetting everyone. What had Tony done that had him deserving to be shot? And having to lose his memory? Nothing. Tony was a good man who did everything in his power to help everyone but himself. He didn't deserve this.

"It's going to be okay Ziva" Tim said, because he knew what she was thinking. She was one of his closest friends, he wasn't going to let her suffer if he could help it. She shrugged, he knew she was going to deny that it will be okay.

"You don't know that Tim" she replied. She is going with the negative thoughts, but could he really blame her? The statistics were against him. It didn't really look good. And Ziva always believed in what was the most likely outcome.

First Gibbs, now Tim. Everyone was trying to convince her it was going to be okay, but they don't know that. However it does mean something to her that they are trying to make her feel better.

"I know that even if he doesn't remember, we will all help each other, and Tony, get through this" Tim explained. Ziva turned in the sheets to face him, and he suddenly realized the shirt she was wearing, it was Tony's. It surprised him but it's not like he wouldn't expect it. He's seen her in his clothes before. Sometimes Tim wonders if they ever went further than friends in a more intimate way. Some days he really thinks they might have.

"He doesn't remember us, what makes you think he'll want our help?" she asks, because she cannot help it. He knows she's only seeing the negative.

"Just let him come around for a few days. He might not remember us, but anyone in his situation will see that we were close to him before his accident, and he will come to trust us. Trust me on this Ziva" he tells her. He knows Tony is always the one to help her, be the one to help her get her mind thinking the positive and have her back on her feet. But that wasn't the case this time, and he was stepping up to help. Even if the shoes he was trying to fill were big.

He'll never be Tony though, he doesn't think he will ever be that close to Ziva. He couldn't picture her being more than a sister to him, because he knows Tony thought more of her, a drunken night with him blabbering about how much more Ziva meant to him was a night Tim will never forget, and one he will never tell another soul. Tony never brought it up again, but he does remember what he admitted that night, Tim could tell the next morning at work.

"I guess you are right" Ziva said quietly. Tim could tell he was helping somewhat, by slightly convincing her. However she won't believe this until she actually sees it happen, he knows that.

She looks a little more upset suddenly, more than she already was.

"Hey" he whispers as he gives her a little nudge to look up. He's smiling at her, trying to cheer her up. She cannot help but smile at his innocent face. Tim was always a good person to cheer you up, he was such a kind heart. He was a good friend.

"We'll get through this" he assures her, she nods slightly, as long as she has Tim trying to cheer her up, she might be okay. Well maybe until she sees Tony and his lost memory again. But for now, this moment, she would be a little happier.

He doesn't quite expect it when she reaches out with her hand and gathers his in hers. It's a contact thing she needs, he knows. She's more of a contact person than she always led him to believe. He gives her hand a small squeeze back, to let her know that he's here for her. A small smile, even if it was a little sad still, on her face was enough to have hope in him that she was going to be okay. And that he'd helped.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello! Here again with the next chapter! Thank you all for your lovely comments of course as always they are much appreciated! Hope you enjoy this next chapter! **

**Hundan.**

* * *

He's been awake three days now and he really doesn't know what to think about things, or about who, or what the fuck is going on. He's still confused, he still has no idea about anything important or anyone. He remembers a handful of things many years ago, and who he is, what his name is, but that is about it. To sum it up shorthand his name is Anthony D. DiNozzo Junior, he has a father who he doesn't speak to and he went to Ohio State and played football and basketball. His mother died when he was young, and that's about as much as he really remembers. He doesn't know why that is it, it just is. And apparently he does speak to his father sometimes these days, but that's just what he's been told, by the man himself.

He remembers his father of course, but his dad didn't like what he'd seen, and he was sure his dad was almost in tears when he was told by one of the old guys Tony works with that he'd lost his memory. That had been hard for his dad to hear, which had surprised Tony, because his dad never used to care much.

There are a whole group of people that have visited, and he cannot for the life of him remember any single one of them. Not the two old guys, not the guy that came in with the pretty goth, not the beautiful woman who'd been there when he'd woken. He wished he remembered them, but he doesn't.

Apparently he's a cop, and a bit more than a cop, a federal agent. That's how he'd ended up in this mess, the one that had him being shot in the head and somehow surviving and losing his memory. It all sounds crazy to him, but apparently it's the truth.

He has only seen the old man, Gibbs was his name, return more than once. It seems as though he had scared everyone else away with his ask to be left alone for a while. Because he needed time to gather things, hopefully his memories but it hasn't seemed to have worked yet. And maybe they needed a little time too. Gibbs told him that they all cared about him very much, and this was very hard for them, and if he wanted a little space they would give it to him. He had asked him _please_, because he needed a bit of space.

He had hoped he would have remembered something, anything more, but he hasn't in three days. Hasn't remembered one single goddamn thing more than what he already knows. He's a lost man, but at least he has a name he can remember. That's the positive in this, right? Well that's what one of his nurses says anyways, Paige. She was a character. She was taking his blood presser right now, and she was giving him a strange look.

"What?" he finally asked, because she was confusing him with that look.

"Nothing" she said, in a way that meant -_it was more than nothing and he should not have to ask to know. _

"Come on Paige, I've had a major head injury" he complained, because in all honesty, he had no idea why he was receiving that look. She took the blood pressure device off his arm and gave him a sigh.

"Why is no one visiting you?" she asked as she took a seat in the chair next to his bed. This was no longer nurse and patient, this was more personal. He shrugged, he didn't really want to admit it. She gave him a light slap to his arm, and he gave in.

"I needed to have some space" he stated. He watched as she nodded, understanding. But then she gave him a look, it meant she wasn't finished just yet.

"And how long will this continue?" she asked, again he shrugged. He really didn't know. "If you are waiting until you remember, you might be waiting a long time" she added, and that had him focusing on her, he was confused and a little upset at that comment. Because yes, that is what he was waiting for, and she knew of course.

"No doubt you will damage the friendships you don't know you have if you sit and wait for a day that might not come" she admitted. He was told he may never regain his memory, and that the percentage for him to actually remember was very low. But maybe he was relying too much on false hope.

"And you will no doubt lose her" Paige said, watching for his reaction to that comment. He looked up, curious. He knows who she means.

"The woman who was here when I woke up?" he asked. He didn't remember her name, he didn't hardly remember any of their names. And she happened to be the one he'd talked to least since waking up, because he scared her. He'd seen it in her eyes.

"_Ziva_, Ziva is her name" Paige reminded him quietly. He tries to commit that name to a memory but he doesn't see anything. Just a name that goes to a face. "And that very woman was here every single day that you were in a coma, she would be here after her work shift finished, sometimes she hadn't even stopped for dinner before coming and I would fix her something. On weekends she stayed, she refused to leave your side, she'd fall asleep in this very chair many nights, waiting for you to wake up" she began to explain. She wasn't his girlfriend was she? Surely someone would have told him that.

"Was she and I?" he asked, she knew what he meant. He was more confused when she shook her head.

"As far as I know, no. She was your partner and best friend, and she cared about you a lot" she explained. She had a feeling there was a little more to the two of them, it was just something she could tell, but she kept her thoughts to herself on that one. "And Joan told me she was quite hurt when you woke up and looked right at her and told her you didn't know her. And I know you couldn't help it but asking not to see anyone like you have, and making her stay away, would be the most crushing thing she would have to deal with right now" she said. Tony was starting to realize why he'd received such a look from Paige, and that it was very well deserved.

"After all those days she spent with you, the least you could do would be to talk to her, even if you don't remember who she is. Because this is probably breaking that girls heart right now, not being able to see her best friend after waiting day and night for you to wake up" Paige said, and that was her argument explained. He understood, and Paige was right. He felt a little bad but he couldn't help his actions. All he could do now was make things right.

"Do you think you could call her and ask her to drop by?" Tony asked, something which made Paige smile.

"Of course I can" she said as she stood from her chair.

Tony might not remember this woman, but _she_ remembered him. And she was his best friend, so maybe he should work on getting to know her again. Otherwise he's going to damage that relationship along with the others he needs to try and work on. He's been in a traumatic accident, but if he can't go back to how he was he's going to have to move forward. And he can easily just start now, with his best friend.

* * *

She was sitting on his couch watching one of his movies when she got the call. She didn't expect it, to be honest. When Gibbs told her Tony wanted some space and didn't want to see anyone, she'd been more heartbroken than she already was. And so she'd spent three days at his, in his clothes, watching his sad movies. She couldn't help herself, she had to surround herself in him because she felt as though she was losing him.

Gibbs turned up on the second night, finding out from Tim where she would most likely be held up. He didn't voice his concern but it was as clear as day on his face. He'd brought her dinner too and he'd even watched one of Tony's old classic movies with her. He didn't say too much, just that they would get through this together, all of them. She felt as though everyone was saying the same thing to her lately, because maybe it looked as though it was needed to be said.

When Paige had told her Tony would like to see her, her heart fluttered with a little more life. Because it was something, it was more than nothing. And her partner, her best friend wants to see her. She didn't think that thinking those words would ever mean as much as they do right in this moment.

She didn't have much of her own clothes at his house, and yeah some people might call it a little weird that she's been stealing his shirts and wearing his sweatpants along with her favourite hoddie of his. But for some reason for them it wasn't. She would only ever use anything of his that he would offer her to borrow, and she's borrowed his clothes before. It was a normal thing between them, like everything else that isn't normal between normal partners, is all normal between them.

They are different, they _were_ different.

She puts on her on jeans and boots but leaves his hoddie and shirt on. He may recognise it, he may not. She guesses she will find out. But she wasn't going to go out of her way to be someone she's not, just because he doesn't remember and this is all new to him. She'll just give him the Ziva she has always been with him. The comfortable and open one. Well in saying that, it wasn't always like that, but they've come a long way over the years.

When she walks into the hospital and sees Paige she gives her an encouraging smile. Ziva wasn't too sure what she was meant to expect right now when she walks in his door, but that smile she was given made her a little hesitant. However she wasn't going to come all this way to see the one man she wants to see more than anyone in the world, and not walk in the door to talk to him.

She opens it slowly, and he looks up. Because he is expecting her, and the last two times when he looked up and saw Paige he was a little disappointed, even if she was one of the nicest nurses he's ever met. Not that he could probably remember.

There is something in his eyes when he sees her but she doesn't know what it is, she can't quite tell. And she can _always_ tell with him. Well she _used_ to be able to tell, and that breaks her heart a little. He smiles, but it seems a little forced to her. Because it's like meeting a stranger, but this stranger knows you better than anyone and you know pretty much nothing about them.

She walks in the door quietly and sends him a smile, because he always used to love her smile. He'd told her many times before. Will he still love it?

"Hey" she says quietly, and everything she is doing is hesitant and quiet. What happened to bringing in her normal self? It was just hard right now. She couldn't help it because he wasn't his normal self, he's quiet.

"Hey" he's replies softly. God, it was so good to hear his voice, it seems like it's been forever since she heard it. She walks in further because she needs to stop acting like this, she needs to be who she is. She takes the seat next to his bed and they stare at each other, and it doesn't feel like it used to. She used to stare at him and it was like they didn't have to say anything, his eyes would tell her everything he wanted them to. She knew what he was thinking half of the time when she stared into his eyes. Now, she couldn't tell.

It's like not only was his memory stripped from him, but also part of him was gone. The bond they'd spent all those years building was gone and they were worse off than they were on their first meeting. She looks away suddenly and he feels something change in the room.

"You okay?" he suddenly finds himself asking. She feels like everyone is just constantly asking her that. Maybe she's really not okay. Because this was very hard and all they have said to each other is _hey_. She nods her head but he isn't that satisfied. Even if he doesn't know her like he would have used to, he knows there is something upsetting her. But he has a good idea what that is.

"This is just really hard" she admits and she's so honest with him about it. And he realizes now that even if he's the one with the lost memory, this would probably be harder for her right now. Because she knows him and he doesn't even know himself let alone her. They've most likely had a past and he cannot account for the memory of a second of it.

She turns back and faces him and he does see that tear roll down her cheek. This is emotional and seeing her cry doesn't make him feel any better. Because she's meant to be his best friend. And apart from that and her name, that's about as much as he knows about her.

"Just so you know, I don't normally do this" she states, letting off a sad smile. He doesn't know what she is referring to exactly, because he doesn't really know much. She sees his confusion. "I don't normally cry" she explains. And now he gets what she was referring to. So his best friend is Ziva and she doesn't normally cry. This was going to take a long time before he gets anywhere near close to knowing her a little better.

"This is a hard situation, even for people that don't normally cry" he said, smiling a little. Even if he couldn't remember her, trying to cheer up his best friend would probably be part of his job. And it helped a little tiny bit because a faint smile ghosted her face. It was better than nothing. She goes a little quiet after that and just looks at him. He doesn't know why she does this but she doesn't tell her to stop staring. Maybe it was a thing they used to do.

He looks at her for a minute and then he realizes she's wearing a buckeye hoddie.

"How long have I known you for?" he suddenly asks and her face is somewhat surprised at the question, but then again, he doesn't remember so it's not really such an out there question for him to ask. She's just so used to him knowing all the small simple things like this.

"Almost eight years" she said and he watched her smile a slight bit more when she said that. Maybe those eight years had been good for her, maybe she enjoyed them. And maybe she had enjoyed them with him, but he really doesn't know. He hates not knowing, it seems like all he does right now is _not know anything_.

"So we didn't go to the same college?" he asks, because she's wearing a hoddie from his college, something of the little he does know. She laughs quietly at that comment, he realises that what he is suggesting must be humorous in some way, one he won't understand. This was starting to prove to be as hard as he thought it would be, talking to her.

"No, I moved here from Israel eight years ago" she explained. She understands that talking to him was going to be very explanatory on her part for a long time. She watches as he looks down at his hoddie she wore, did he recognise it? It explains why he's asking if they went to college together. How was she going to explain that she's wearing his clothes? Old him didn't mind but what will the new him think?

"This isn't mine" she says as she pulls on the fabric to show him what she's talking about. How she understood what he was thinking, he didn't know. "It's yours, you gave it to me" she tells a little bit of a lie. Because he didn't really give it to her but he has before. And she felt this was the best way to go about this. He looks at her for a minute and process the information. It's not really a normal thing for you to just give your clothes away to someone else and he's starting to get the feeling that they had been very close best friends. Especially if she's wearing his clothes casually.

He still didn't quite know what to expect with this information.

"Are we..?" he asked, he'd went there, he had to ask it. She'd been at his bedside every day since he was in the coma and she was wearing his clothes. Not to mention the way she stares at him like she does. He's only seen it briefly so far but there's just something about it.

Her eyes widen a little because she honestly hadn't expected that question to come from him.

"No, no we're not" she replied with a slight laugh. Something was off about her laugh though. Like it was an incredulous thing for him to say, but then again maybe it wasn't and she was just not admitting something. But he wasn't going to push it. Not right now. He didn't know enough about their friendship yet to know when to dig.

"We are just friends, very good friends" she added, setting the facts straight for him. Even if their relationship was a little bit more than that, but whatever it was it was unexplainable. There was really no label for it. And she wonders if they will ever have that _thing_ back.

"And partners at work, right?" he asked. She nodded. This really was going to take a while for them to get back to how they were, if he was to never get his memory back. It hurts her to think about that but she was going to try get through this as best she can. Work through it, help him, help _them_.

"Yes, that is correct" she replied and he could tell she was getting a little more happy. He doesn't know what it was, maybe just talking to him had her feeling better. But then again, he wouldn't really know because he doesn't quite know what makes her happy.

He suddenly smiled at her, she didn't know where it had come from, what she had done or said but he was. And it reminded her of her old Tony because he used to smile at her like that.

She didn't know where her next statement came from either.

"You know you should be mad" she said. That had confused him.

"Why?" he asked, he had no idea what she was taking about again. And it was frustrating because he feels like he's meant to know, like if this was before his accident she wouldn't have to explain because he would just _get it._

"Because your hair is gone" she smiles. He doesn't quite know why he would be mad if his hair was gone. He lifted his hand and ran it over the short buzz cut he had, avoiding his stitches while he did so.

"Was there something special about my hair before?" he asked, intrigued because her smile was getting lighter and lighter. From the sad mood earlier, it was a nice change.

"Well it depends, some would say no, you used to say yes" she said, there was something in her eye that told him she was thinking back to something, a memory. Something which he couldn't. "You used to spend hours fussing with your hair sometimes" she said shaking her head and smiling at the memory she is thinking of. It made him smile, even if he couldn't remember the memory she was.

She looks at him then, a little more personal. The look scares him a little because it was intense and he still doesn't know her as well as he should. It just gets to him.

"And it's been a long time since I've seen you with a little facial hair" she continued to smile. He runs his fingers over his stubble, which should be longer than it is right now if he's been in a coma for as long as he had.

"It's not too bad, if it was a full on beard then I would have a problem with it" he said. She realised that he remembers the things he likes and prefers because he's never liked beards but a little stubble he'd never minded. That was a good thing, that he still thought the same about things.

She smiles and then he smiles. He feels like he knows her, just because she is at such an ease when she speaks to him, when she looks at him. It's just the vibe and feeling he gets from her. However he doesn't remember her and he doesn't really know her either.

She makes him want to remember more than anything, however it makes him afraid that he never will remember and he knows they might be smiling right now, but this wasn't going to be easy for them or for him and anyone of the people closest to him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello! This took a little longer than expected but I have been really busy at work as of late, because instead of about 50 or more of us working there is only about 10 running the place. **

**Thank you all for your lovely reviews, they are really helping my muse getting better and better, because it just makes this story want to go further and further with the ideas I keep getting. **

**Anyways, I hope you like this chapter! **

**Hundan.**

* * *

McGee notices there is something a little different about Ziva the next day. He's sat back and watched from his desk the whole day and hasn't been able to put his finger on what it was exactly. So in the end he gives up and asks when they end up alone in the bullpen.

"Did you do something with your hair?" he asks, because he doesn't know what it was about her that has his gut tingling. But something was different, something was going on with her. She looks up at him with a wrinkled forehead, confused. She lets out a small chuckle none the less.

"I haven't done anything different with my hair than usual Tim" she states and then he's the one that becomes further confused.

"Is there something different about you today?" he went on. Trying to figure out what exactly was different about her. Ziva was getting more confused, what was Tim up to?

She thought for a minute. For some reason Tim thought something was different about her and the only thing she could think of was her mood. She was happy today, because of last night.

"I just had a good night" she said and it brought a smile to her face. Tim saw this and he got very interested.

"Yeah?" he questioned. Right now for some reason he felt a little like Tony, asking about it. But when Tony was gone, someone had to bring his personality to the team, because even if it was annoying sometimes they couldn't let that part of the team slip away while he was gone. Because it took a whole chunk of their team away, it just wasn't the same.

"He wanted to see me" she explained. At that one comment he knew exactly who she was talking about and suddenly he just _got_ it. He understood what his gut was telling him, that she was in a good mood. Last night must have gone well, for her to be smiling like that.

"Yeah?" he repeated, because he wasn't quite sure what to ask. He couldn't really ask what they talked about, because it might not be any of his business. And she realized that.

"It was good, we connected a little. He still doesn't remember anything but I think he is trying. He was trying to understand who I was to him" she said with a bigger smile. Yeah, last night had meant a lot to her. It made him smile. He nodded but then looked down at his work for a minute. Ziva knew what he was thinking right now.

"You know you should go see him" Ziva told him and he looked back up from his work. Ziva knows he wants to see Tony because Tony is like Tim's big brother. Ever since this had happened to Tony, Tim hasn't been the same. Much like her. And Ziva thinks that just like her, talking to Tony would be good for Tim, even if it can be a little hard.

"You really think so?" Tim asked, because he was unsure about going to see Tony. He'd seen him once since he woke up and it was a very emotional experience, because Tony didn't remember anything. He knows it will be hard to talk to him but if Ziva really thinks it'll be good for him, he'll go. Because he actually misses Tony and he never though he would admit that.

"Yes, I do" she began "It is hard to talk to him because he doesn't remember a thing and it's like you're talking to a stranger almost but it's good, because it's still him" she tells him and there is that smile on her face again. Sometimes he forgets just how close Tony and Ziva were, but then he remembers when she smiles like _that_ just thinking about him. And really sometimes it pains him a little to think that they have been avoiding their feelings that are so blatantly obvious for eight years now. That's a long time.

"I think I'll go see him tonight" Tim suddenly decided. Just seeing Ziva this different from seeing him once made him want to see Tony. Because he really did miss him. Ziva smiled at him then, because she liked the idea of Tim going to see him. It would be good for Tim and also Tony's development.

* * *

Ziva had been having a good day and she couldn't think of one thing that could ruin her mood. Until something did. _Someone._

At first she hadn't expected the tall man dressed sharply in a black suit with blue eyes and a buzz cut to ruin her day, but he surely had. She could tell he was a marine, once a marine always a marine as Gibbs would say, but he was now an Agent and he was Tony's replacement. That didn't go down too well with her, or McGee.

And as soon as the marine had walked into the bullpen and let out the secret of why he was here, she'd marched out and found Gibbs. As soon as he saw her, he knew. He didn't have to ask. As soon as she called his name out loud while she stormed towards him at the coffee stand outside the office, her mood was very clear to him. And people were staring but it didn't seem as though she cared.

"You know about this Agent?" she asks, she doesn't have to go into detail because if he does know, he will know exactly what she is talking about. And then she watches his face. He knows.

"Why was I not informed?" she snapped, because she couldn't help her mood. These days it could be all over the place when someone messed with her emotions and this situation wasn't helping anything.

"Ziver" he warned, because she needed to take a deep breath and calm down. He could see the fire in her eyes and her bite is worse than her bark, he didn't want to get past the bark stage. And some reason she knew he was right, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She opened them slowly and focused on Gibbs, as calm as she could right now.

"He is not permanent" was how Gibbs began and it was the right thing to start with "He is only there until Tony gets back on his feet. We cannot keep working one man down" he continued.

"And you thought it best not to tell me?" she asked, as calmly as she could manage.

"I was not expecting him for a few days" he said. Funny thing was that was similar to what Jen had said to him when Ziva had arrived.

"You should have told me as soon as you knew, you would have known how I would react" she said. She'd calmed down a little, but a few people were still watching. Maybe it was because they knew about Gibbs and no one really challenges Gibbs like she is and gets away with it. Well not that many other people know, but she knows she can.

"He is _not_ permanent" Gibbs repeated. He thought she would react, just not this much. Because he wasn't a replacement and it sounded like she was thinking that he was. Tony is irreplaceable. Ziva waved her hand in the air.

"That does not matter" she tried to say but Gibbs interrupted her.

"Then stop thinking it" Gibbs stated, because he knew she was. She went quiet, because she was trying to deny the fact it was all she could think about. Because if Tony was never to get back on his feet, this guy could become very permanent. And she is very right to think that.

"I cannot help it Gibbs" she admitted. He knows this and he can see it painfully obvious on her face.

"Tony will have an evaluation with Vance when he gets out of the hospital and we will go from there. Until then Agent Carter will be filling in" Gibbs explained. He was trying to make this easier for her to handle, but it was a hard thing to do. She takes another deep breath, because this is just another thing that will be hard. And right now she just wants to go see Tony, she just wants her Tony back. She wishes none of this had ever happened, it just crushes her heart to think about it all. Too much is going on.

Her eyes glazed over, she needed to get her thoughts under control.

"I'm going to get lunch" she told him and even if it was two in the afternoon, Gibbs understood. He nodded.

"I'll see you in an hour" he said, knowing that would be as long as she needed to get back into the right headspace, the right one to face the new Agent in the building. They weren't on a case so he was okay with this. Still, he was a little worried about her frame of mind, she was taking this hard. Harder than the rest of them. And he understands that.

* * *

She shows up announced and she doesn't really know what she is doing. All she knows is she needs to be here, because even if this situation makes her more upset, she still needs him. He lets her escape, even if she is left to deal with all these emotions that get thrown at her when she sees him. It's something she would rather deal with right now, she would rather deal with her partner.

Paige is there when she walks in and the woman smiles at her and says a cheery hello. She's glad to see her here. It was like before Tony had woken, this visit had been unannounced, however unlike before Paige hadn't expected her this time, she used to expect to see Ziva every day.

Paige finishes up the minor tests she was doing on Tony and smiled again, before leaving the two in peace. Tony looks up at her, because he is surely surprised to see her and he doesn't remember how she would always show up unannounced when it involved him. He used to do it to her a lot too, many a nights they would show up to the others home bringing entertainment for the night. Whether it be in the form of a movie, a few beers or just simply their company. It was just a thing between them, like the many other _things_ they had.

But it will be like this for a long time, maybe it will always be like this. She will remember, he won't. And yeah it's hard but this was something she would rather deal with right now. He still smiled at her and to her that could make her day that little bit better.

"Hi" she says as she walks further into the room and yeah, he is smiling at her but she doesn't know exactly why that is. Maybe he had enjoyed talking to her last night as much as she had?

"Hi" he says shyly in return. Since when had Tony been shy? He had never once in all the life she'd known him, had he been shy. But maybe deep down Tony was shy at heart and he'd just never let anyone see that. Tony had grown a mask to cover many of the truths about him, she'd thought she'd seen every one but maybe he had something's that had been hidden for so long that they'd ended up buried and lost forever. She doesn't doubt that Tony had become an almost different person to whom he was when he was younger.

"I thought I might stop in and see how you were" she said, making up an excuse. Old him would have known she was lying about it and old him would have known without a second thought what the truth was. It was different, he wouldn't know the difference and if she told him the truth he would most likely not understand anyways.

"I am actually good this morning, you know besides the stitches in the side of my head being itchy and the memory loss" he said, smiling. She stopped and stared at him for a minute, because that sounded like such a comment from _her_ Tony, she didn't really believe her ears for a minute. "What did I say?" he asked when he saw her face. She shook her head and sat down at the chair by his side.

"Nothing, it's just you sounded like you used to for a minute" she explained, shaking her head a little because she sounded somewhat crazy. He smiled a little more, something else she didn't really expect.

"No, I get it" he said. Then he chuckled a little. "I'm still me, my actions most likely won't be different, I just don't remember you" he explained, the last part of which his smile died off and he went quiet. She's realized that when they talk the mood can go from one end of the scale to the other just like that. "Or anything we've been through" he almost whispers, but she catches it. It sounds as though he's been doing some thinking since last night. So has she.

"We'll get there in time Tony" she assured him, but maybe it was herself who she was talking to. Because she needs to be told that they will get there in time, because it's the only thing getting her through this. Thinking that one day he'll know more, whether because he's been told or he remembers, they are the two paths he may follow. However she hopes more for one than the other, but she'll take him either way, because it's him. And he's her best friend.

"I hope so" he says, because he may not know her, but he likes her. And there is just something about her that has him wanting to remember more than anything in the world, even if it's not just for him, but it's for her too. Because he sees her struggle every time she comes in here, she struggles just as much as him, like she's the one with the lost memory. It's that painful for her. He thinks it's because they were close. And really close. There's no other explanation.

"McGee is going to call in to see you later, if that's alright with you?" she asked. She thought she should clear it with him, just to make sure. Tony smiles. She likes to see that on his face when she's talking about people coming to see him, it means he wants to see them. It means he wants to attempt to remember.

"Yeah, I'd like that. He's the skinny one right?" Tony asked. This time it was Ziva who smiled.

"Yes, that is the one. However you used to call him chubby" she explained. This perked Tony's interest.

"I did?" he asked, not believing he said such things to that guy.

"He was not always as fit as he is now and I have been telling you for a couple years now that you could learn a few things from him" she said and she prodded him lightly in the gut. At the time they were both smiling as she told the tale, but she froze when she touched him. Because he might have used to feel comfortable with her touch, so intimate as it used to be sometimes but he doesn't remember that. How they were. He looks up at her because he's a little shocked all of a sudden at the contact.

He knows he knows her, but he doesn't remember so it gives him a shock right now.

"Sorry" she apologizes. Because she honestly didn't mean to, she's just used to being so comfortable with him. It's strange, not being so casual touchy feely with him. They've always been that way.

"It's okay" he replies. And again, he's feeling like this is harder for her than it is for him. She looks down at her watch and realizes what the time is.

"I have to get back to work soon" she said, she feels bad, like she's leaving things awkward between them.

"That's okay, I am starting to find it fun alone staring at the white walls" he said and that made her laugh again, because it was one of those comments that remind her of how he was. And she lives in those memories. He smiles when she laughs, because it takes away that awkward situation they had come into and he didn't want to leave it like that.

"You know, I have movies on my laptop if you're still obsessed with them like you used to be" she explains and she likes it when he smiles at her comment because she knows he's always been a movie buff, since he was very young, that will never change about him. "I can go get it, it's in the back of my car" she added.

"I don't want to cause a fuss" he said waving his hands, because he doesn't want to cause too much of a hassle. She clucks her tongue at him and smiles more.

"It is no fuss" she says as she stands "I will be right back" she announces. He wonders if she was always this good to him.

Probably.

When she returns she has the said item in her hands and she hands it to him. He places it on his lap and opens it up.

"You used to know the password, but I'll remind you" she smiles at him and he can't help but smile back for some reason. "It's berrygomadness" she admits and he chuckles.

"What does that even mean?" he asks while he types it in to unlock her laptop.

"It's my favourite drink" she admits, remembering who it was that introduced her to it. _Him._

"I'll have to remember that" he smiles at her while the main screen comes on. It's a picture, it's of a beach as the sun sets and there's a shadow of a figure sitting in the sand in the middle of the sun as it goes down over the horizon. It sort of looks like her sitting there.

"Is that you?" he asks. She nods and he watches as something glows in her eyes suddenly and her smile goes soft.

"Yes, you took that picture" she says quietly. Even if he doesn't remember, just the way she says it and relives it to herself right in front of him has him feeling that that was an important photo to her, to them. And he's touched by it, even if he doesn't understand it. Maybe she'll tell him about it another day, because he won't ask today.

"The movies are in movies" she said pointing at the movie folder on the desktop, deciding to change to subject back to its original path. "And they were all put on there by you, so you should like them all" she smiles again. She just gets so many memories when she speaks to him about the simplest things.

"Thank you, for this" he said as he clicked on the folder.

"You are welcome" she said as she stood from the chair again "But I must get back to work" she said. Even if she didn't want to leave she had to. She'd rather just sit and watch movies with him for the rest of the day, just like they used to.

"I will take good care of this" he said, smiling. She smiled back.

"That will be appreciated, otherwise I'll have to trade for yours, and yours is much nicer than mine" she said. He chuckled at that comment. He really liked talking to her. He understands why he used to be so close to her, because she feels easy to be around. Like he could easily get close to her and become a very good friend to her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Here we are again with another. **

**I've been working all weekend but I managed to get this done in between work call outs. I am glad to hear your thoughts on the last chapter, they were really appreciated and I hope this next one is enjoyable. **

**Hundan.**

* * *

She's as calm as she can be when she returns to the bullpen, because Tony had improved her mood and made her smile, so she could maybe last the rest of the day without having an emotional breakdown. She hates to think that's she's lost so much of her self-control when it comes to emotions but over the years she's slowly opened up more and more and now after the accident she cannot help but let it out, because he was her rock that held her in check and now it's just different. She cannot rely on him exactly like she used to.

She lets out a relieving breath when it's only McGee who is in the office.

"I had wondered where you had gotten to" he asked, giving her a smile. She and Tim seemed to be a lot closer lately, it's probably because they had no one else to be close to with Tony gone. Gibbs must not have informed Tim that she was out.

"Just needed a little air" she explained as she took her seat behind her desk. Tim understood as soon as he saw the look she gave him. And he gets it, he doesn't want anyone siting in Tony's desk as much as she does, however it always means a little more to Ziva because she and Tony will always be more personal than he and Tony.

"Where's Gibbs?" she then asks, she has her suspicions where and who with, but Tim will set those straight for her if she's wrong.

"With Agent Carter and Vance, discussing his temporary position" McGee explained. Ziva's suspicions had been right. She didn't like the fact he was staying, but maybe she'll just have to get used to it, just like she has to get used to Tony not remembering. This was not easy, to say the least. Maybe it would be okay if her best friend was there to tell her it was all okay and put a movie on and make her pancakes for dinner, but he's not. And that's her main problem right now and she cannot help but to keep thinking about it.

"I do not like this" she voiced to him, even if he already knows as much without her needing to tell him so.

"Neither do I, but it's something we have to deal with because we don't know how long it will take for Tony to get back into work, and you know how hard it's been one man down these past few weeks" he explained to her and she needs someone to tell her, again and again, because she's needs to constantly reminded so she can try focus on the reason why this is all happening. And that everything is being done to help her and the team.

"I sound selfish" she admitted, because if she saw herself that's exactly what she would think. Because she sort of is, she's not thinking about the team and how long it could be that they suffer one man down just because she's not happy about it. That's just not how the workplace works in life, it doesn't go according to plan. In the end your job is your job and you're not always going to love everything about it, even if she loved her job to no end. It still had its faults.

"It's fine for you to feel like this, no one holds it against you. If I had it my way I would prefer not to have anyone else sit there at his desk but it's not easy a man down and I'll live with this if it lets me go home at a somewhat reasonable hour each night" McGee says and she sometimes forgets how good he can be at giving pep talks. And again, he's right. She would like it too if she was home at a reasonable hour at night, because one man down in the squad means much more work for the less of them. If that's the case and she's working her butt off, when will she get time to go see Tony? And work on helping him remember? She won't. And she cannot give that up, not when it's so important to getting Tony _back _at his desk across from her.

Given it will be hard but she will do this and try put her feelings aside. But if this new guy so much as oversteps her comfort zone with him at the desk across from hers, he'll hear about it. And her bark would only be the beginning so he better tread lightly.

"You are right Tim" she agreed and he looked at her because he thought it would take a little more convincing for her to cave in. But so far her day has gone from good to worse, so maybe she didn't need that much convincing. "He's excited about seeing you tonight by the way" she said changing the subject. She needs to get her thoughts together, they were a mess a lot of the time lately. He knows who she's talking about of course, because there would be no other that she would talk about with a little smile lifting her face. So _that's_ where she had been.

And he's happy to hear that news because he's also excited to go see Tony for the first time _properly_ since his accident.

* * *

Tim watched carefully as Agent Carter came down the stairs with Gibbs from the director's office, in particularly he watched Ziva very carefully. It looked from afar that she wasn't looking, but if you knew her well enough you could tell she was. She was just ninja about it.

However when Gibbs walked into the bullpen she looked up because he was going to say something important. She just knew.

"Agent Carter will be staying with us until Tony can have an evaluation and then we'll go from there" Gibbs stated, looking at Ziva most of the time that he spoke, something else McGee didn't miss. Tim was the first to stand and introduce himself, shaking his hand. He'd seen him before but as soon as Ziva had stormed off when he said who he was and what he was doing here, Vance had pretty much shown up and collected him to take him upstairs before Tim could even say hello.

And being the good little agent she was Ziva was the next to stand and shake his hand, even if she didn't like the idea of what he was doing here, she would accept him. As long as he doesn't step over that boundary. And Agent Carter is wary when he shakes her hand, she can tell. And she doesn't blame him for doing so, considering her reaction when he first met her.

Gibbs tells Carter to take Tony's desk and the only way Ziva knows why he let him do so is that Tony's not gone, it's not the same as when she tried to sit at Kate's desk. And suddenly, she realizes just how they all felt when she first arrived and tried to take Kate spot. It was horrible.

Carter sits in his chair and he can feel her staring at him so he avoids that eye contact with her. She feels so horrible right now, but she cannot help it, it's her protective side blooming.

Gibbs sits at his desk then and he turns to Ziva but she doesn't look at him, she cannot do it, she's too busy watching Carter at Tony's desk. He's looking around wondering if he should touch anything, or what he should do. It seems as though he's having trouble deciding. Then he pulls out a pen and a notebook and scribbles things down. She's not too sure what he is doing but as long as he stays out of Tony's things in his desk she won't have a problem.

Yep, her protective side over her partner had come out pretty defensive and ugly.

She finally turns to Gibbs and he gives her a look, one she reads perfectly fine. It was a warning, just to take a deep breath and play nice. And she'll try but she's not making any promises. She thinks she just needs to go home to bed and try sleep this mood off but she's still got a couple hours left of work. Great.

* * *

Tony looks through her movies on her computer and he finds one that he remembers and puts it on. Actually doing something instead of sitting around all day was good, it felt like he achieved more, even if it was just watching a movie. It was _something_. And he remembers that he likes movies, because he always has, ever since he was a young child and his mother made family movies. His mother had had a passion for movies and when she passed away the one thing he could do to remember her was to watch a movie and think just how much she would like it. That was something he did remember.

When he'd finished watching the movie he couldn't help but be a little nosey. Because he wanted to remember and seeing things might refresh his broken memory, he only hopes. And if he used to know her password and she was comfortable with that fact she must not mind him playing around on her computer, so he felt like he wasn't really being all that rude, if she'd never minded him playing on her laptop before.

He clicks on the folder on the desktop titled 'Photos' and a lot of folders pop up. There are handfuls of different folders with different names on each one, names like _New Year's 2011, Christmas 2011, Tim's Birthday, Tony's Birthday 2011, Work Outtakes, Rare Holidays, Team._ It went on and on and there were so many different one's to pick from. He ended up clicking on the one that said Tony's Birthday 2011 and all these photos loaded onto his screen. He clicked on the first one and it enlarged.

The first photos in the folder were obviously taken at the start of the night because they all looked very sober still. There were a lot of them posing in groups and then some just random shots of people crowed in an apartment. He's not too sure whose apartment it was, maybe it was his? He didn't see as many pictures of the Goth chick so he suspected she was the one behind the camera most of the night.

And towards the end of the photos it was a lot more obvious how drunk they had ended up that night. He was seeing all these pictures but he didn't remember any of it. It was like he was looking at a stranger's photo collection, not knowing what is really going on. He did also notice that a lot of the later photos had him and Ziva in them together, whether it be in the main of the photo or just in the background, they just always seemed to be around each other. And even if he didn't remember, he laughed a little at the picture of himself with his head in the toilet while Ziva was standing behind him with one hand on his back and she was looking up at the camera and trying not to laugh so hard at him in the toilet. It seems as though he used to have a lot of fun with the people he works with. They all looked like very close friends.

He closed that folder and went through a couple more, they all seemed similar in small ways. A lot of them were him and the people he worked with, most of the time it was him, Ziva, McGee and the Goth chick, Abby. There were a couple other people who were regulars in the folders, but he had no idea who they were. He clicked on a folder he found called _Paris_. It had a lot of pictures in it of buildings, monuments and more buildings. Then he found one picture with someone in it, it was Ziva. Did he go to Paris with Ziva? He'd have to ask about that one.

He went into the _Work Outtakes_ folder and there were heaps of pictures of him, Ziva and McGee doing what would probably be considered silly in the job he's been told he used to have. Most of them are them in these black jackets and hats that say NCIS on them. And they look like they are having fun, who in their right mind has fun when investigating the stuff he used to? It didn't make sense. Maybe that's just how they worked, he didn't know. Nor did he understand that well.

Then inside the _Work Outtakes_ folder in between all the other photos, there was one folder. It was named _Trust Tony_. It was a weird name for a photo album, but he let that go and he clicked on it and a handful of pictures appeared. They were of Ziva, in a bikini and to be honest he couldn't help but stare at the pictures of her like that. She was absolutely gorgeous. Did he take these photos? And when? They were in the _Work Outtakes_ so it had him a little confused. A lot of these photos had left him confused.

* * *

McGee wasn't too sure what he should expect when he went to go see Tony. Will he walk out feeling like he'd helped him somehow? Will he walk out a little happier because he's seeing one of his closest friends? Or will he walk out a bit more disappointed than he expected? He wasn't really sure what it was going to be. Sure he'd seen Ziva smiling after seeing him today when she wasn't feeling the best before going to see him, but he doesn't know what they talked about. And the two of them were different, memory loss or not, they were still different.

Everything was always different when it concerned the two of them, they'd never followed any normal clichés. Maybe that's why you wouldn't find a better partnership than theirs.

He knocked on Tony's door and he heard the man in question call out for him to come in. Even if Tony doesn't remember him, for some reason he's smiling at Tim when he walks in the door. Tim isn't exactly too sure what all his excitement is about, maybe it's just seeing him. And that made Tim smile right back.

"Hey Tony" Tim greeted, walking in and taking up the visitors chair next to Tony's bed. Well, it was actually more Ziva's chair than anyone's and no one has moved it since she put it there the first night he was admitted to hospital.

"Hey McGee" Tony greeted right back. It was weird, Tim suddenly realized Tony probably won't remember that he always used to call him Probie. And strangely, he misses that. Tim saw Ziva's laptop on the table next to Tony's bed, he wondered why Tony had her laptop for. Then he guessed, most likely movies. Not even memory loss could take that love away from Tony, Tim would be sure about that.

"Been watching movies today?" Tim asked, motioning towards Ziva's laptop. He nodded.

"Yeah, also trying to remember things but it didn't seem to work" Tony explained. For a second Tim wasn't sure exactly what he was talking about but then he remembered all the photos Abby had put on Ziva's laptop when she brought it a few months ago. He must have gone through the photos to try and jog his memory. And normally Tim would think it would be a bit of an intrusion of privacy doing that, but with Tony and Ziva, they shared _everything._ It was normal when they were concerned, whether Tony remembered that or not.

"I am sure you will remember in time Tony, it might just take a little while" Tim said, suddenly being the reassuring friend. He had been taking up that role a lot as of late.

Tony sighed, it seemed as though time is something he had a problem with waiting for. And Tim cannot blame him.

"We're good friends right?" Tony suddenly asked, Tim didn't know where that had come from but he went along with it.

"Yes" Tim replied with. He wouldn't be too sure how he would explain their friendship, it was like brothers, but then again there was something that made it a little different than that.

"We hang out outside of work a lot?" Tony went on to ask. Tim wondered where Tony was going with this conversation.

"A decent amount, maybe once or twice a fortnight. It depends really" Tim said. Tony took that in and he thought for a moment.

"So you know most things about me quite well then?" Tony continued.

"Well you were always a hard one to crack and you kept a lot more secret than people know about, I don't even know a whole handful of things about you that you don't really share. If you're trying to figure out who knows you best its Ziva" Tim stated "You guys share a lot of things that you don't share with anyone else" he added. He watched as Tony went into a deep thought. What about Tim had no idea because it's not like he had a memory to think back to something. If that's what he was trying to do.

Tim watched as Tony reached over to the laptop and opened it, typing in the password.

"If I showed you some photos, you'd be able to explain them to me though?" Tony asked. So that's why Tony had been asking all these questions, he's found something that had confused him and wanted someone who knew him well enough to explain.

"Yeah, I probably could" Tim said, giving a shrug. As Tony looked for the photos he wanted help getting an explanation for, he asked Tim about one of the folders he'd come across earlier.

"Did Ziva and I go to Paris?" he asked. Tim watched him, he'd been thinking they'd gone together on a holiday. Just thinking that as a possibility had Tim widening his eyes at the thought of the two of them in the city of love.

"Yeah, but it was for work, you picked up a witness over there and brought her back to the States" Time explained, making sure Tony had his thoughts on the right track. Tim didn't want to mislead his relationship with Ziva in anyway, he was _not_ going to get involved in _that._ He watched as Tony took in that information and nodded.

"Why are we so happy in all these photos at work?" Tony asked as he showed Tim some of the photos of them mucking around at work. Tim was confused to why he found those photos strange.

"Because we like our job. Sure, it's not a nice job to be necessarily doing but you can't let the bad side get to you, otherwise you won't be able to stay in the job for very long. And just being like that makes you get away from the intensity of it all a little, you were especially the worst at mucking around and joking about. But to be honest, I think even if sometimes we would get really annoyed with you, you made it a lot livelier and just better" Tim told him. The only reason he had such an explanation for it was because he's been asked it before and he'd come up with some lame response to whoever it was that asked. But after that he had really thought about it and that's what he'd come up with. It seemed to explain it all though.

Tony looked at him, it sort of made sense if he really thought about it but it still confused him a little. Maybe he won't get it because he doesn't remember being a cop, and that's what would have probably made him how he was. How comfortable he'd become around that sort of work.

Tony clicked on the photos of Ziva, the folder titled _Trust Tony_. He really wanted to know about those, but would McGee know about them?

"How close are Ziva and I?" Tony asked. That was a big question, one that Tim really couldn't answer. He doesn't actually know, well he has his suspicions, but he cannot go off that.

"Close, but how close, I actually don't know" Tim explained, taking this very cautiously.

"So if there are photos of her in a bikini on here with my name on the folder, that would be normal?" he asked, risking it. He didn't know what was normal and he wasn't quite confident enough asking Ziva about these photos so he had to ask McGee. He watched as McGee suddenly smiled, almost laughing.

"Well yeah, that is normal, you taking pictures like that of any half naked female when you have a camera in your hand is normal. I thought you were meant to destroy those pictures, _twice_. Why are they on _her_ laptop?" Tim asked. Tony looked at him a little blankly.

"Um I don't know" Tony replied confused. Tim chuckled a little when he realized he was asking the guy with the memory loss.

"Oh yeah, my bad" Tim said and Tony was the one who joined in with a little bit of a laugh. Tim didn't know beforehand but after that night he would realize that Tony would continue to ask him what his relationship was like with everyone they worked with and he won't go home till very late that night. But he'd do it again any day.

And Tony will realize that the only person McGee couldn't fully explain his relationship with was Ziva.

* * *

**I don't bite, but I do love to hear your thoughts! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey!**

**Even if I just got put on work for three weeks without any days off, yes that means no weekends haha I managed to get this written up! Sorry if the updates slow a little after this one, I'm going to be super busy at work with long hours every day. Thanks again for all the comments on the last chapter they really help, enjoy!**

**p.s Minor swear word, but you know if that bothers you I wonder if you live in Narnia because people swear everywhere these days. **

**Hundan.**

* * *

So far the week had been a very trying one and by Friday Ziva had had enough. She was so glad that it was almost the weekend. So far Carter had managed to stay borderline being on her nerves, mainly because he was taking up Tony's role and it just felt _wrong_. So far he'd stayed clear of doing something that had really upset her.

She closes down her computer for the weekend –well unless they get called in, she hopes they don't- and grabs her coat and bag before heading for the elevator. She had to sigh when she felt Carter following right behind her.

"Got much plans this weekend?" he asks her, he'd been trying to be friendly to her all week but to be honest it didn't help him. She didn't mean to be this way, she just cannot help her emotions at the moment.

"Hopefully plan on not coming here" she said. Since when did see dislike coming to work that much? Sure she didn't like working the weekends but it was okay in the end. It was just different now. She hadn't realized how important Tony was to her work enjoyment until now.

He stays quiet the rest of the ride in the elevator after that because he read her tone. It was the same as it had been most of the week, upset and a little snappy. He knows why she doesn't like him and he gets it, because he's been told what happened and asking around the building a little he's heard things. Like how close Ziva and her partner had been. So he gets it. He's just trying to be friendly but he'll stop if it means he'll keep his appendages. He's also heard the rumours about where she used to work before NCIS and yeah, he gets a little scared sometimes.

They go to their separate cars after that without another word. And yeah, sometimes Ziva feels a little guilty for how she treats Carter because she knows he's a good man deep down. She feels like such a bitch, but she can't help it, not right now anyways. Maybe in a week she might adjust a little better but really she doesn't know.

She climbs into her car and lets out a long sigh. That week had been killer. She'd hardly had time to do anything but work most the week, the case they had found themselves with was a horrible one with a gruesome murder that left Ziva wondering why the killer wasn't sent to a mental institute. She'd wanted to go see Tony all week, but not once had she been giving the chance. She was continuing to realize how much she relied on him when it came to keeping her sane these days.

She's starting to realize just how much more he meant to her as a partner other than being her best friend. He was her rock, the one that kept her balanced and focused. And for all these years she thought he was the biggest distraction, when he simply was keeping her from crashing. Especially since she returned from Somalia because she was always different after that.

It wasn't too late to go see him tonight, maybe she'll go do just that.

Tim had told her about his visit earlier in the week, and she'd smiled at the happy face he'd brought to work the morning after his visit. Even if it was a little hard, just like her it had still meant a lot to him. And he told her how he asked about everyone and how he'd tried to explain as much as he could. Ziva smiled because the novelist in him would have loved to share their profiles with Tony. Really, Tim could have given Tony his book to read and some things would make sense to Tony. However some other things may be a little misleading. Because she and Tony weren't exactly like Lisa and Tommy.

She should probably go home and get the much needed sleep instead of going to see him but thing is she would rather go see him and let him make her smile instead of getting more sleep. Because if she goes home and tries to sleep she won't get to sleep that easy because she will be thinking about him too much, she's been having this problem all week. It's always something about him, thinking maybe if he doesn't get his memory back what it will be like or if he does get it back, and all the possibilities she can think of happening she's had plaguing her mind all week.

She takes that oh-so familiar route to the hospital that she could probably drive in her sleep she knows it that well now. She would have never thought she would have become so familiar with the hospital, because it's not a particular place she really likes to be a lot.

She parks in a spot that she's considered hers, because it's the same place she always parks. Old Tony would probably tell her she had OCD if he was with her. She would just laugh and roll her eyes at him. But maybe he would be right.

She heads inside the building, walking the same halls she has repeatedly walked many times over and she's greeted by the receptionist. Ziva is like a regular here now, many of the nurses and people that work in Tony's wing know her. She goes down to his room and when she gets close she can here Gareth talking to Tony and her ears perk up and she cannot help but listen in.

"I realize you don't want to be stuck here at the hospital and I do agree that you don't really rely on needing the help. You are completely able to function fine by yourself and you pass all your checks except for one, your memory" she heard Gareth say lightly.

"So does this mean I can be released doc?" Tony asked. Tony had never liked hospitals and she has the feeling he probably still doesn't, he just won't know why that is. Again that's another thing she knows and he doesn't, because he told her once why. Because of where his mother died, in a hospital.

Gareth sighed at Tony's comment because he must be unsure on releasing him. This is the first Ziva has heard about it but it sounds as though Tony and his doctor have discussed it a few times before.

"Well really Tony this decision is up to you. If you want to leave we cannot really hold you back, I mean you are fine to function you just don't remember things" Gareth explained. In his opinion he'd like Tony here longer but he cannot hold the man back if he doesn't want to be here.

"I need to move on" was all Ziva heard Tony say in reply. Then the room was silent. A pain hits her in the heart because she knows why he says that. He doesn't think he's going to remember and so he wants to move on. He needs to get out of here, start his life, however it may go. Does that mean he doesn't want them in his life? Surely not, not after trying to work on remembering with seeing her and Tim.

"Okay, I understand that. And you know what's required about coming in for the check-ups so I don't see this being a real problem" the doctor said "Are you sure this is what you want?" Gareth added, a little more personal now and a lot less doctor in his voice. She doesn't hear Tony's reply but she has a feeling he gave one. That's when she decides to walk in the door.

Tony and Gareth both look across at her when she enters.

"Good evening Ziva" Gareth greets her before turning back to Tony "I will just go get some papers for you to sign" he said to him before smiling at her as he left the two of them alone. What was she meant to say right now?

"You're leaving the hospital?" she settles on asking. He sighs.

"So I guess you heard that then?" he asks, even if it's not really a question.

"You have yet to remember how good my hearing is" she said. She tried to smile but she felt a little sad at what's happening so she didn't quite pull off a very good one. Not because he's leaving the hospital but because _he needs to move on._

"I might not remember" he said quietly. What had caused such a change in his mood about everything suddenly?

"Don't say that" she whispered, a little on the end of her nerve. It's been a hard week and this was not what she wanted to start her weekend with. This visit was meant to make her feel better.

"It's the truth" he replied and she felt as though she was arguing with the old Tony. Sometimes it was hard to remember that it's not the same person who she is talking to. He doesn't remember how he works with her, how they discuss and function. _How they fight_.

"You do not need to toss it around like it's nothing" she snapped. She didn't mean to raise her voice, it just happened. He looked at her confused and a little angry.

"I think you mean throw it around" he retorted. That hurt, the way he said that, just how his voice poisoned the air when he said the words. Because he used to love correcting her but he doesn't remember that. And it hurt. Everything _hurt_.

She stares at him and doesn't say anything, she just tries to hold herself together.

"See, this is why I need to move on" he says, motioning towards her. She crumbles a little more, because he just keeps digging and digging at her heart with an ice pick of his words.

"Why?" she asked, trying to keep the tears at bay. It was obvious he was meaning something to do with her but she couldn't quite figure out exactly what he meant.

"You, and everyone else, you were so much happier before all of this happened and look at what I do, all I do is cause hurt to you all. You try act like it's okay but I can see that it's not. I may have no memory but I'm not goddamn stupid" he throws the words at her and they hit her _hard_.

"And you think trying to move on from us will work? Leave behind everything that it is you have in life?" she said, challenging. He doesn't remember how feisty she can get, so he may be in for a shock. He's a little speechless at that comment.

Ziva feels someone come to the doorway behind her but they leave just as fast as they got there. Gareth must think that they are best left alone right now and he was right to make that decision.

"How did you think this was going to end up Tony? You moving on and starting a new life, leaving us in more pain knowing you just got up and left us?" she asked. All he could do was shrug because yeah, she was probably really intimidating right now. But she had to be because he's not thinking straight. And right now, she was the one who had to set him right.

"You weren't thinking, that's the thing" she says, a little quieter this time. Sure she's still mad but she cannot help but be softer on him right this second because he looks upset. Like he did wrong and now he realizes, and he's sorry about it.

"I don't know what to do" he says and he's also lost the anger he had before, because he feels guilty. He didn't mean to upset anyone, to be honest he thought he was doing the better thing by taking the stress and upset away from everyone. But he'd got that wrong.

She sat down on the seat next to his bed and let out a long breath.

"What you need to do is let us help you through this" she says quietly. The angry all but gone now, suddenly she'd gone soft and the fight had all but ceased. That was their first fight since his accident but sadly she knows it won't be their last.

"I just hate how much this affects you, I wish it didn't cause so much pain" he said. He could see the pain so clear on her face even if she tried to hide it. He didn't know why he felt as though he could read her well, it was just something he could _feel_. Maybe it's because she was so open when it came to him. This was new.

"We'd rather face the pain with you then without you" she said, reaching out and placing her hand over his one. It may be a bit of a bold movement for them right now, a slight bit too close for comfort for him when he doesn't remember her. But he doesn't push the movement away because he knows she means a lot to him even if he doesn't remember and he twists his hand and wraps his fingers around hers. Because he feels like it's what he _would_ do if this was before his accident.

"It's hard" he suddenly says, staring down at his hand in hers. Because it feels so strange, holding her hand like this. Because he doesn't really know her, but she knows him and so he feels like this is right. But as he said, it's hard, because this is all so difficult to go through.

"I know" she says sadly. She knows she cannot tell him otherwise because it _is _hard, and they both know that. There's no point in lying about it.

"We will get through this together, okay?" she continues. And even if she's been the one that's needed the reassuring since he woke up that everything will be okay, she's now the one that's stepping in to reassure him. Even if she doesn't believe her words as much as she should.

"Thank you" he replies with a bit of a smile. She doesn't quite get why he's thanking her but she thinks that it may be for staying by his side. Even though all that has happened, she is still there for him, no matter how hard it is for her to handle. She's there. And that's all that matters.

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**Love to hear your thoughts on this one!**


	8. Chapter 8

**I've been super busy at work lately, they've had me working a whole months without any days off but somehow I still managed to get this written. Thanks to everyone who is sharing their thoughts each chapter, it's really helping me with the progress! Enjoy! **

**Hundan.**

* * *

He'd just finished signing all his papers when Gibbs appeared in the doorway. He didn't know where the older man had come from but he'd seen Ziva on the phone before so he has a feeling he knows why Gibbs is here.

He doesn't look angry though, he looks like he understands. Like he's not surprised.

Ziva who has been standing to the side of the room quietly for the past few minutes while he signed his papers looks up when she sees the older man. Her smile is small and soft but again it's a little sad. He wonders when she will finally smile fully happy, with not a trace of sadness on her face. He reckons it will be a while.

"Gibbs" she says quietly and she steps away from the wall and unfolds her arms. She approaches the older man and he looks down at her, his eyes saying a hundred things to her at once. Tony cannot understand what his eyes tell her, but it seems important.

"Ziver" he says back, greeting her but the single word was laced with much more. He kisses her forehead and she nods at him. Tony doesn't know what's happening exactly but he knows that she's having trouble with what's going on, because he can blatantly see it. He doesn't know if she means to show it, but she does. She steps aside and then Gibbs' eyes settle on him.

"I guess you're set on this decision?" Gibbs asks as he takes a step further into the room and grips onto the end of the bed that Tony sits on. Tony really gets the feeling that Gibbs was more than a boss to him because he gets a lot of paternal vibes from him. But McGee had said that Gibbs was like a father to most of them, he just hadn't really thought that it would be this true.

"Yes" was Tony's simple answer. Gibbs nodded slowly and he shot a quick look at Ziva. At that point Tony realized that Ziva had let some small bits slip to Gibbs about his and her conversation earlier.

"We are here with you Tony, every step of the way. You know that right?" Gibbs asked him. Tony couldn't help but have a quick glance towards Ziva when Gibbs said it. She looked a little guilty about sharing that information with Gibbs, maybe she normally didn't. Maybe she used to keep everything just between the two of them but this time she had to let Gibbs in. Because it wasn't like it used to be.

"I know" Tony said, dropping his head. He felt guilty for ever thinking that he could just leave them behind on this. That he could do this alone. Because he can't. And he's really coming to understand that.

Gibbs looked down at the man in front of him, he didn't like seeing him this upset. Tony was never a big person to show his emotions but they rolled off him in waves since the accident. It was something Gibbs wasn't used to, he wondered just how different Tony would be if he never remembered being a cop, because Gibbs knows very well that being a cop changes you in some ways.

"I know the doctor might say otherwise, but I think you are making the right decision" Gibbs said. Because much like Tony, he doesn't like being trapped in hospitals either. The younger man looked up at Gibbs. Did he hear right?

"Really?" Tony asked, because he didn't think anyone would think he was making the right choice.

"Staying in the hospital won't help you remember, the best thing you can do is be out there doing something. And you've never liked the hospital, it just shows me underneath it all you are still Tony. And that gives me hope" Gibbs explained. This time it was Ziva who didn't quite believe her ears, because that was quite a speech coming from Gibbs and quite a personal one. One that was hard to get out of their boss.

"I'm going to try do everything I can to remember" Tony admits. And he sounds sad when he says it, but strongly determined at the same time. It was a weird mix of emotions from him all rolled into one, but she was starting to get used to a weird mix of emotions from him.

* * *

He hasn't left the hospital since waking up and walking out the front doors felt strange. He follows behind Ziva as she leads the way, because she was going to take him home. It was the best person for the job because she knew pretty much everything about him and so he had a feeling she would be able to show him everything when he gets home. He's not too sure what to expect really, he has no idea what type of place he would live in.

Would it be tidy? Would it be messy because he doesn't get much free time? He always thought detectives didn't get much of a social life and considering all of his friends that have visited him in hospital work with him, he feels like that looks like the case.

She opens up a red mini and climbs in so he continues to follow, taking the front seat. She looks over at him before starting the car and he looks just -he looks so awkward. He is uncomfortable and she's the one feeling strange now too because he's meant to be comfortable in her car, with her. He used to put the passenger seat back all the way and put his feet up on her dash. Acting like he could get away with doing that, because well, he could. No one else got away with putting their feet up on her dash. And now he just sits there, straight up, uncomfortable.

Like a stranger in her car.

Even if they have had a few small moments these last few days, they still felt a little strange with each other because he still doesn't know her, no matter how much she tells him. Because this is another new step that he's not used to and so it's all the same. It's strange. Hard for the both of them to get through.

She starts to drive and he's silent. God, it's so hard him being different and it's a whole new thing out of the hospital. Because when someone leaves the hospital they are meant to be well and back to normal. But Tony is far from fixed, if he ever will be she's not sure.

Sometimes she used to wish he would just stop talking and now she is making more wishes because she wished she had never thought of such things. She loves it when he talks to her. Right now she would give anything for it to be the way it used to be.

And he doesn't say a word on the ride to the apartment, he just stares out the window and looks at all the things out on the street. He's avoiding talking to her but she doesn't blame him, because this is a struggle. She lets him stay quiet because she'll do whatever it is that makes it easier for him, even if all she wants to do is talk to him. God she misses his persistent babbling.

She gets to his apartment and she pulls into the park next to his mustang. She'd returned it to its home a few days after his accident. When he gets out of the car he's slow and he's looking all around him, taking in his surroundings. He looks at the mustang and he stops for a minute and she really thinks he remembers it for a second. But then he looks away and continues. Nothing but a man admiring a nice car.

"It's yours" she says and he turns and looks at her, question in his eyes. "The mustang, it's yours" she repeats. He turns back and looks at it again, this time he brought his hand out and ran it along the hood.

"It's beautiful" he said quietly. His reaction was strange and she didn't really understand it, because this wasn't how she had expected him to act. He was so quiet and gentle, about a car. "My mom used to have a mustang exactly like this when I was little" he admitted, he remembered some things about his childhood and she knew that, but this was still a shock. Because she didn't realise he remembered this much. And he had never told her _this_ before.

"She did?" Ziva asked. There was softness to his face and it was so open, he wasn't closed off like he used to always be. Sure he would be open with her but it took a bit more to get him to that point.

He nodded slowly.

"Yeah, same colour too" he said as he looked up at her. He's remembering things that he'd otherwise forgotten, because now that all he can remember were small things from his childhood he cannot help but think about them. And she's starting to get the feeling it will make him a little different than the old Tony, because the old Tony closed the door on a lot of things from when he was younger.

She smiled at him softly, because even if he doesn't realise it him admitting this meant a lot to her. Because he was sharing something of what he remembers with her and that means so much. That even if she's almost like a stranger to him, he's letting her in. Even if it is only a little bit. Small steps first.

He looks up at the building behind him.

"So this is where I live?" he asks, looking up at the apartment building.

"Yes, for the past twelve years anyways" she explains as she walks towards the building, he slowly follows in behind her.

"That's a long time" he points out. And yeah she agrees, but she knows exactly why he had never moved.

"You're not big on change" she replies softly, because it's one of the truest things she could tell him. It's the reason why he never moved where he lived, where he worked, it stopped him from making any serious attachments to women –if he could help it.

He takes in what she says but he doesn't comment, he just quietly follows her. Quiet Tony is really starting to confuse her. It's just so not what she is used to coming from him. Will it always be like this? She hopes not.

They get to his floor and stop outside his door. He stares at the little 17 on the door, she doesn't ask what he's doing because she knows he is just trying to remember, but nothing was helping. She fiddles with her keys until she finds the one she wants, the one she uses most besides her own. All the time he watches her, silently. His silence kills her inside.

She turns the key in the lock and opens his door, stepping to the side. He stares into the apartment and for a small moment he just stands there and looks. She wonders what exactly he is thinking, because this is hard for her just watching him look at his home with such an unfamiliar gaze. He takes a small step inside and looks to each side, taking in his home, where he belongs.

There are a few vintage movie posters on the walls and he doesn't miss the large movie collection he can see in his lounge even from this far away. His apartment feels lived in, homey in a way he cannot describe. The brown leather couch in his lounge looks worn and really old, _loved_. And he's sure by the size of his television that he could open a mini cinema in his lounge. But he knows he loved movies when he was little, so he guesses not much has changed.

Ziva follows him as he walks deeper into the apartment, silently taking it all in. He walks into the kitchen and she watches his gaze stare at his alcohol cabinet. Because in all honesty it was an impressive one, but if you didn't know Tony you'd think he looked like a bit of an alcoholic with that stash. His eyes then move and fall onto his fridge. There is a collection of things on there, from OSU stickers to magnets of his favourite beer. The one thing that did stick out was the random note in the middle of it all and she watched his hand reach out and touch it.

"Did I write this?" he asks, holding the note in his hand. She shakes her head.

"No" she replies and he looks at her, there's something her eyes are telling him. It's hard to read but he thinks he gets it, especially when her gaze breaks his and she looks away. _She_ wrote it. And it is obviously important to him if he leaves it on the fridge like that, most likely so he would see it every day.

He places the note back where he found it and he just looks at it.

_You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think._

He feels like there is something a little, or even a lot personal about this note. It's about who he used to be and he has a feeling it's her reminding him who he truly is and he leaves it there as a reminder. A reminder that he's cared about. He looks up at her and she turns back to look at him. Yeah, it was something personal but he knows he will never understand exactly what it meant unless he remembered again.

"This is so strange" he begins, he leans back against the counter in his kitchen and he looks up at her. "I mean I feel like such a stranger in this place and it's meant to be my _home_" he continues. He sighs and runs a hand over his short hair in frustration. She could see his pain so clearly.

"Maybe you should have stayed in the hospital a little longer" she said quietly. Honestly she is glad he is out, but then again she sees the pain he is facing right now with all these new things and she thinks that maybe some more time closed off would have been better. Because she doesn't like seeing him struggle.

He shakes his head.

"No, I would have to face this at some stage and I'd rather not wait. Doing it sooner doesn't make any difference" he replies, on a bit of the defensive. It's been a while since he's talked to her like this, like he's someone she doesn't know and he's talking to her like she doesn't understand. But she does understand, she's just worried about him.

"I know, I understand Tony" she said. He looks up at her again and furrows his brow. He looks a little frustrated at her for some reason.

"Why would you say it then, if you understood already?" he asked. Yeah, it sounded a little snappy but she didn't blame him, he was upset and she would be too if she was him.

"Because" she said quietly, she didn't want to tell him necessarily. He might not understand. He might not get it.

"Because why?" he asked, pushing away from the counter and staring at her. She thinks this may be argument number two between them since he's woken up.

"Because I'm worried about you" she snapped. She couldn't help but raise her voice a little because her emotions are about as unstable as his right now.

He stares at her and he doesn't know what to say. He has a feeling they were very close before he had his accident but he hasn't out right asked her, he doesn't know if he has the guts to. They connected a little at the hospital but he still doesn't understand her fully. Right now she's angry at him because he got angry at her, he has a feeling she doesn't stand down easily when it comes to him.

"I know this is hard but it's not just you that it's hard for Tony. I don't know if you're starting to realise but you mean a lot to me and before this accident we were close, you are my best friend" she explains to him, stepping closer to him. Invading his space because she's getting her point across and he's listening. Maybe he won't have to ask how close they were after all, because she's letting it all out right now.

"I'm not going to tell you to trust me because you don't remember me, all I am asking is that you understand that sometimes your friends are just trying to help even if you don't understand why they are doing it" she continued to explain. She stopped talking after that and just looked at him.

"Okay" he replies.

"Okay?" she asked, did he really just take that all in and accept it that easily? Yes he did, because this was him _trying_.

"Okay" he nods his head as he repeats himself. She smiles softly at him at that and he doesn't know what it is but again there's just something about it. It seems as though there was _something_ about a lot of things that involved her.

He finds himself asking something so personal and he cannot help himself but ask.

"Were we sleeping together?" he asked, because he had to. Things would make so much more sense if they were. Her smile fades and her face goes blank before she furrows her brow. Then she stares at him and it makes him a little uncomfortable.

"No" she pauses and the pause is something that holds his attention "We weren't" she continued. She didn't like the way he was looking at her, she felt like he could tell, that he just _got_ what she wasn't telling him.

"But we have?" he asks, because he saw it on her face. He didn't know how, he just had. And the way she looks away from him he knows that the answer to his question was yes.

"It's complicated" she said rather quietly, like it was something that was to never be brought back up again. He watches her lean against the counter, much like he had earlier.

"Well I'm here listening" he said, watching her.

"We said we would never bring it up again" she said waving her hands in dismissal. He realizes that it's a touchy subject between them.

"That's a little unfair" he said and she looked up and him, question in her eyes "Because I don't exactly remember" he continued. And yeah, he'd played that card. Maybe it was a little unfair to be using that as an excuse because it's not a nice thing to think about, but he'd done it. Because she intrigues him and he must find out.

She looks guilty now and maybe he shouldn't have said what he did. But he did and it's in the past now, so the question still hangs in the balance. She lets out a sigh and tucks her curls behind her ear.

"It didn't mean anything" she begins, hesitantly. And even in the way she said it he has a feeling it did mean more than nothing, because she averted her eyes again. "We'd had a couple beers one night and it was nothing more than the usual for us and one thing lead to the next and it happened. Not much to say about it" she continued. He may not know her but something about this conversation was off. Like she wasn't telling him something.

"I think sleeping with your best friend would mean more than that" he explains. Because he's not stupid, memory or no memory. Again she sighs.

"Tony I don't really want to go through this" she explains and he hears the pain in her voice. This definitely was more than nothing, otherwise she wouldn't be avoiding it so much. It wouldn't hurt this much.

"Please, just let me in" he says and at his quiet, soft tone she looks up. She can't do this to him, she cannot just not tell him. That's unfair of her.

"You and I are close and we have always been flirty with each other, since the day we met. Some things might not make sense to you but we have been through a _lot_. I need you to understand that the things we have been through should break people, it should tear apart their relationship and with us it did, but somehow we held on" she explained and he couldn't believe she was actually telling him right now. Maybe he wasn't ready to hear this, because it seemed like a lot to take in.

"After a few years of working together and maybe spending a little too much time out of work together we slept together. And as I said we'd had a couple of beers and you were babbling on to me about this movie as we watched it and I don't know how exactly it happened but the movie was forgotten that night and yes, we had slept together that night" she say's going into detail because he'd pushed her this far, she was going to tell him it all. She looked up at him again from where her eyes had been averted and he saw pain there and he didn't like seeing it in her eyes. Because somehow he'd been the cause to that pain.

"And no it wasn't just some sloppy drunken sex, it was damn good and I am not afraid to admit that because you used to know that it was the truth. But we don't speak about it because maybe it was a mistake, maybe it wasn't, it's just easier to think like it didn't happen. But in all seriousness things changed then, after that night and they were never the same to tell you the truth. It's the reason why we would both get so jealous when we dated someone else, why it hurt, why you risked your life to save me, and it's no doubt why we are such close friends" she said. And yeah, it was too much for him to all take in and he won't be surprised if he gets a headache soon. Saved her? From what?

There was a certain look in her eye right now as she looked at him, but he wasn't going to go there, because it was so much more personal than he really understands. Fuck. Did he have feelings for her before his accident? Because he thinks he might of, it's plainly obvious that she does, even if that was something she will not admit to him.

"But we never did it again, it was only the one time. You are my best friend and I would not risk that for anything" she says, the last part he hardly heard it was that quiet.

"Thank you" he says and yeah, it's out of the blue a little but he feels the need to say it. She looks up at him, question puzzling her face.

"What for?" she asks.

"For being my best friend and being there for me. I might not remember you, but I don't know what I would do if I had to do this alone because I know it's just going to get harder from here on" he admits. Softness comes to her eyes and he knows he's said the right thing.

"I will always be here" she says. Right now, if this was before his accident this would be the moment where she would walk over there and hug him. But it's not, and it's not that easy. She just hopes it will one day be how it used to be, because she misses it. It's easier when she doesn't have to break their promise by bringing things buried deep back up again, because she might feel okay right now but she knows she won't sleep well tonight.

* * *

**So, I wonder if anyone saw that coming… **


	9. Chapter 9

**Graveyard shift is good in some ways, it means I don't work as much during the day and I have time to write! And I have been busy writing away for you guys! Thanks for all the thoughts on the last chapter because they helped with part of this chapter! **

**Enjoy!**

**Hundan.**

* * *

He feels uncomfortable in his own apartment that night because it's just so strange and he cannot help the feeling. He's been pacing all around the place since Ziva left earlier and he cannot help but become frustrated at everything he sees. He just doesn't feel at home, he doesn't know this place even though he should know it better than any other.

When he talked to Ziva earlier a lot of what she said had filled his head with so many confusing thoughts, he cannot control them all and yeah, he's had a headache for the past two hours. He thought understanding all this new stuff would be easy at some stage but so far he hasn't figured out the easy way yet.

He's been around his whole apartment twice in the past two hours, looking at everything, taking it all in. And he needs to stop. It's not helping him because it's too much information all at once. He goes to his bedroom and he just sits down, letting his brain think but it's just too much, he needs some sleep.

He takes the jeans off that he's wearing and he climbs under the covers of his bed and lays back. For a moment he feels calm and nothing is in his mind because his bed is so much more comfortable than that of the one in the hospital. But then his mind is rolling again, because something felt strange.

He knows what he likes and what he doesn't like and he definitely knows his scent and his bed most definitely did not smell like him. Who has he had in his bed? The scent wouldn't have lasted the whole time he was in the coma, would it? He highly doubted it. It smelt faintly familiar, he's been around this scent before. He thinks it's mixture of vanilla and something fruity, and god he's just realizing where he remembers that from now.

Ziva.

Had she been here when he was in the hospital? Sleeping in his bed?

He has to stop thinking because if he doesn't stop now this train of thought would not stop. It could go so many places of how, why, and what for. And he's not going to get the answer unless he asks her himself, something which he won't do. He's put her through enough as it is with asking the personal questions, he could still see a slight bit of sadness -regret maybe- on her face when she left earlier. And he'd put that there, by making her bring up the past that she didn't want to.

He wouldn't say he's confused by Ziva, sure she makes him puzzled beyond belief but for some reason he knows he can trust her. It was hard leaving the hospital today because everything was so new and so harsh on his mind. But all in all this woman was there for him, trying to do the best she could for him. It's not like she had to drive him to his apartment and it's not like she had to take him inside. And she definitely did not have to tell him the things she did, no matter how hard he pleaded she could have always said no and walked away.

But she didn't and she stayed right by his side.

What puzzles him most about everything he doesn't remember is her and he cannot put his finger on why that is, maybe their relationship was so complicated that it would confuse anyone who didn't know every little detail of what they have been through, she did say they had been through a lot. And the fact he doesn't remember anything about the relationship they had put's him way back at the starting line, he was so out of the loop on them that it's not really a surprise that he's so goddamn confused right now.

They had sex but they never speak of it, but really, how could you be best friends with someone and not think about it? You don't just have sex with someone you are so close to and just let it go like nothing ever happened. Because you see them all the time and the pictures of what you did would be on your mind whenever you saw them, it's not an easy thing just to forget.

Maybe it makes a little more sense why when he was on Ziva's computer they were always in photos together, always so close and comfortable. Because being that intimate with someone builds a bond you will never forget and the line between the two of you would easily be crossed from then on. But what does he know? He's had a head injury.

He knows he likes football, he knows he likes steak, he knows he doesn't like cabbage and he knows he doesn't like vampires. He just doesn't know who he is, where he works and he not for the life of him can he remember anyone more than his mother and father. And his opinion on his father is apparently wrong, because his father is very different to how he remembers.

At this rate, he's not going to get any sleep tonight.

* * *

He didn't sleep much that night and it wasn't surprising considering everything on his mind. For a guy that's lost his memory, his head is certainly painfully full right now. He'd left his apartment and decided to just go for a walk, maybe that would clear his head. So far, it hadn't done the job.

He's not sure how far he has walked but he left his apartment two hours ago so he guesses he's gotten pretty far. He doesn't know where he is but it's somewhere, he never really took a thought to trying to find his way back to his apartment but when he gets to that bridge he will cross it.

As he walks down the street he looks at all the people that pass him by. Some rushing back to work from their lunch break, some taking their sweet time. He see's families, father's taking their kids out, mother's walking their prams with their little babies. He watches young teenagers walk hand in hand down the street innocently in love, he see's old couples cherishing their long lasted love. Life is such a precious thing and people shouldn't take that for granted because you never know, you might wake up one day and not remember the important parts about your life.

He walks through a park and he's finding his legs are starting to disagree with all this walking, mainly his knee. He doesn't know why his knee is in this much pain but he guesses he better listen to it. He finds a bench in the park and he takes a seat, lifting the weight of his feet for the first time in the last couple hours. He reaches down and rubs his knee, why was it this painful? Had he done something to it in the past?

He leans back in the chair and looks up into the sky. Suddenly he realized the sky has gone darker from this morning when he started his little wonder, now the sky has fogged over and turned grey. He wonders what the weather is generally like here? Was it warm and sunny? Cold and wet? He lets out a sigh and leans forward to rub his fingers into his knee again, this walk had let his mind breathe a little, but he still pondered things way too much.

Maybe this was just how it was going to be for a little while, until he gets used to living like this, with no memory of who he was.

And he feels when it begins to rain down upon his shoulders but he just sits there. He doesn't know where to go or what to do because he's lost, so he just sits, sits and watches as people around him scatter from the rain in seek of dry shelter. A woman hurries to gather all her children from where they play tag on the grass and he feels like that is exactly how his mind feels right now, scattered and he's just trying to pull all the pieces together so he can go to a better place.

As he sits everyone seems to disappear and he sits there alone, everything seems to be forgotten. Everything seems to disappear from him.

He's not too sure how long he stays there for, time seems to go by but the rain doesn't give up. There's a point where he begins to get cold but he doesn't really care at that point, the numbness feels a little relieving at this point because he stops thinking about everything and just thinks about how cold he is. As twisted as it is at this point, he didn't plan on moving.

"Hey buddy, are you alright?" he hears a voice call out to him over the thunderous rain and he looks up. A man is jogging across the park and over towards him, he looks concerned. The waterproof jacket and beanie on the tall man suggests he was out in this weather for a reason because he was prepared for the wrath it brought. He comes to a stop in front of him.

"Yeah, I'm alright" Tony tells him. He's cold and he's sure his body is shivering but he's not bad considering. Well, that might be a bit of a lie.

"You've been sitting out in this weather for half an hour and you're shaking, personally you don't look alright to me. We need to get you out of this weather" the man replies. Does Tony know this guy? Because if not he's being awful friendly to a stranger.

Tony's unable to think of what to say. Maybe it's the weather, it's probably not helping his mental state. The guy ends up hooking an arm under Tony and lifting him up from the bench and begins walking him back across the park in the direction he came from earlier. Right now Tony couldn't care less about what happened to him because simply he was overtired and felt like crap. His day couldn't get much worse.

The guy takes him to an apartment building across the street and inside what was most likely the man's home. Who takes strangers into their home like this? Yet, Tony lets it happen. The guy sits him on the couch, not seemingly caring that Tony is soaking wet right now.

"What's your name?" the guy asks as he grabs a blanket from the couch and wraps it around Tony.

"Tony DiNozzo" he says, because that is something his memory had kept in storage after his accident.

"Samuel Bradley" the man replies with a smile "I think we should get you out of those cold wet clothes and into something dry before you get hypothermic" he explained, for some reason the way he explained things sounded professional almost. "Is it okay if we do that Tony?" he asked. Tony nodded, but a question came out of his lips in wonder at the same time.

"Who are you?" Tony asked. Samuel smiled as he helped Tony stand up from the couch.

"I'm a paramedic in town at AMR, so I know you need to get dry" he said still smiling as he led him down the hallway. It made sense now, why he sounded professional before. However it doesn't account for why he took a stranger inside his home.

He gave Tony a towel and some dry clothes to change into and when Tony came out of the bathroom Samuel had a hot drink waiting for him. He handed it to him and Tony took a seat at the table, Samuel sat down with him.

"I'm not sure how you like it, but you need some warm fluids. Fit alright?" he asked looking at the hoddie and sweatpants he gave Tony. Tony nodded.

"Yes, thank you" Tony said taking a sip of the coffee, it was actually really good "Why did you go out of your way to help me out?" Tony asked, because out of all the confusing thoughts on his mind, this one really bugged him. Because he doesn't know this guy, he never has.

"I just like helping people, I don't know how to explain it but ever since I was a kid I just helped people, strangers, it's just who I am I guess. It's why I became a paramedic" Samuel said with a slight shrug. There are millions of people in the world and its people like Samuel that the world should be thankful for.

"You're a good person" Tony replied with. He still cannot believe what this guy's done for him because he probably would have caught hypothermia out in that weather if he stayed out there much longer. Tony noticed that Samuel had something on his mind, like he had a question he was itching to ask. Tony knows what it was about of course because he could see Samuel's eyes on his scar on the side of his head, it's nowhere near small and he didn't have much hair so it's not like he could hide it, especially not from someone in a medical profession.

"Do you mind me asking?" Samuel said because he could tell Tony had noticed his attention to his scar. One that looks very new.

"I got shot at work" Tony said as he looked down at the mug in his hands. He doesn't know why he's letting this guy in, he just is. He heard Samuel take in a small sharp breath.

"Where do you work?" Samuel then asked because he was curios. Was this guy a soldier? Was he a cop?

"I used to work at NCIS" Tony explains, looking up at him. He sees the man before him nod. He's familiar with the place Tony speaks about.

"I know them. What do you mean by _used to_ work for them?" Samuel goes on to ask him.

"My accident left me with no memory of what I did, who I knew, pretty much I didn't remember who I was aside from my name and a handful of things from when I was younger. So at this point I cannot work there, I just don't _know_ _how_ to work there" Tony explains, telling him. It felt good to tell a stranger his problems because the person in front of him knew about as much as he did. It felt like things were balanced.

"Wow" Samuel said as he let out a long breath "That's a lot to go through, I guess I see why you were sitting out in the rain now" he said and it brought a small smile out of Tony, cause this guy just understood, no matter if he didn't know him.

"Yeah, I just, things just get a bit too much when I get told all these things about my life and it can be hard to all take in, you know?" Tony replied. He doubted that the man in front of him really knew where his was coming from but he would understand it was hard. Samuel nods, he gets it even if he's never personally experienced it.

"How long ago was your accident? It mustn't have been long ago" Samuel said looking at his scar a little more because Tony didn't seem to mind.

"Month or so, I was in a coma for a few weeks" Tony explained. He didn't hold back when talking to this guy, like sometimes he did when talking to McGee or Ziva, it was just different when the person doesn't know you. It's almost like a fresh start.

"I'm sorry" Samuel suddenly said, though Tony didn't know what he was sorry for.

"You don't need to apologise Samuel" Tony said. Again Samuel nodded.

"Please, call me Sam" he said to Tony. This time it was Tony who nodded.

"I don't know why but it seems so much easier to talk to you than any other person I have talked to since waking up" Tony randomly admitted to him. He didn't know where it had come from but it was the truth none the less.

"The thing that people with memory loss find hardest is dealing with their personal relationships with people because it can be far too overwhelming, talking to someone you never knew is easier because you know as much about them as they do you" Sam explained, he sounded like he knew what he was talking about and Tony would bet on it that he did.

"Does it get any easier?" Tony asked, he had to. He wants it to be so much easier it's that painful just to think how hard it is. Tony didn't like the look that Sam gave him. It wasn't a very positive one.

"What have your doctors said about you getting your memory back?" Sam went on to ask. He was only a paramedic but he knew his stuff, he's done many more studies than your normal paramedic. Maybe that's why he's won top national EMT three years running.

"They said that at this point they don't think I will get it back, but there is like a very small percent chance I will, but at this point I'm not keeping my hopes up" Tony explained. Again, he didn't like the look on Sam's face. He realised then that he should keep being disappointed in the fact he most likely won't regain his memory.

"I'm sorry Tony" Sam repeats and this time Tony doesn't tell him not to apologise, because he rightly deserves this sympathy, so much. Tony tries to share a hopeful smile but it's more of a sad depressing smile.

The two of them sit there quietly for a while and it's strangely comfortable.

"How did you end up in the park in the rain?" Sam suddenly asked. Because he was honestly curious to how. He knows the why.

"I left my apartment this morning because I couldn't sleep last night and I needed to clear my head, I walked around for a couple hours and my knee began to get painful, so I just stopped. I have no idea where I am or where my apartment is" Tony smiles a little guiltily. He's lost and he knows nothing.

"I guess we better find where you live then" Sam smiles back. Tony chuckles as he nods in reply.

* * *

**Oh, new character! I wonder how that is going to evolve!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Bit of a longer chapter, because from here on in I will try make them long ones. The longer the better because at the rate this story is going there will be many chapters. Thank you all for the reviews on the last chapter, they were grateful and fantastic as always. I know you all have mixed emotions on Sam, however I know where I am taking that character and I hope you all like it.**

* * *

Sam ended looking Tony up in the phonebook and finding out where he did live, so he could return him home safely. He drove him all the way across town to where his apartment was. Tony had walked a very long way to end up in the park that he had.

"Wow, that is a nice mustang" Sam admired as he pulled in next to the blue 1976 model.

"I know right" Tony said with a smile. He hadn't driven it yet but he thinks he might have to sometime soon.

"It yours?" Sam asked, raising his eyebrows in question. The things he would give for a car like that.

"Yeah, that's what I got told" Tony said and they both chuckled at the comment. Somehow it was easy with Sam, easy to joke about things that in all truths emotionally drain him. It strange, this sudden connection he's had with a stranger.

Tony doesn't say it and Sam doesn't ask, but there is this weird silent agreement and Sam follows Tony up to his apartment. Just making sure he gets all the way there and that it's actually his home and the phonebook wasn't outdated or something. Tony gets his keys out, the only thing he had on him when he left this morning. He slides it in the lock but as he goes to turn the key he finds that his door was already unlocked. Strange. He was sure he had locked it. But considering his mental state earlier he could easily be wrong.

Then he hears footsteps, as light as they are he hears them.

"Tony" she says his name in such a familiar way and laced with worry. She appears in front of him and she looks upset, maybe a little angry but her face changes because she realises he's okay.

"Ziva?" he asks, a little confused to her presence in his home. Only a little though because he feels like it's a somewhat expected thing for her to do.

"Hello" Ziva then focuses her gaze on the man standing behind Tony and her voice is confused because she's never seen this man before and she was sure she knew all Tony's friends.

"Hi" Sam returns, confidently. He obviously didn't have a problem when it came to meeting strangers.

"Tony where have you been?" Ziva looked back at him, suddenly jumping to a new conversation. Her mind was all over the place. Like she hadn't even seen the mystery man because she'd suddenly thought of something, like Tony being missing all day and she couldn't find him.

"I just went out for a walk to clear my head" Tony stated, it was the truth but it doesn't mean that he couldn't leave a few things out.

"I couldn't get hold of you or find you for the past three hours Tony" she stated and yeah, she sounded a bit agitated.

"I'm sorry I-" he began but she stopped him short.

"_Never be unreachable_" she said, simply that and that alone. He didn't quite get it.

"Is that a rule or something?" he asks and he doesn't realise that he raises his voice a little in challenge.

"Yes, it is. You have a phone and it wouldn't hurt you to take it with you when you just leave and go off somewhere for hours" she said, rising to meet his level. And they argue like there isn't anyone else in the room, and Sam he stands there quietly not interrupting. Because he doesn't want to get involved. It's not his business.

"Why do you need to always know where I am? Can't I just go off for a few hours alone without being bothered?" he snaps, because this is all too much and this is why he had gone off in the first place. Because it gets too much for him to handle.

"Because you just came out of the hospital after a major trauma, what if something terrible had happened? What if you-" she stopped mid-sentence. Because they all knew what she was about to say, the unhealthy emotional mess he is at the moment is obvious and she's right not to rule out the possibility of him taking his own life. Because when it gets this bad, that seems like the easy way out.

And yeah, this was fight number three.

He doesn't know what to say right now, he cannot get the words out. Because she was right. But he cannot help the strange feeling of having her on his case so much. He just needs her to let go. But if that happens he worries that she might never come back.

"You know what Tony, this might be hard for you but not only does it affect you, this hurts me too okay? I know it's hard but it's something we need to get through" she begins and he can tell she's not happy. Maybe he's already done the damage and she's not going to come back.

"And I guess you just don't want me being around like this all the time, it's just hard not to be around you because we were so close Tony and you don't seem to grasp how important you are to me. I don't want to screw up what I have with you. You are too important to me" she snaps, and yeah, he's really got right on her nerves this time. This time the fight wasn't going to finish as happy as the last two did. "But maybe it's too late and if you want to do this alone be my guest, don't say I didn't try to be there for you" she said and that was her, he couldn't get a word in because she'd finished the conversation.

He saw the tears build in her eyes and he didn't miss the one that escaped as she pushed past him and Sam and walked out the door.

What has he done?

Sam doesn't say a word, not for a long time. But then Tony is silent for far too long and so he speaks up.

"You okay?" was Sam's question. He didn't know that woman or what her relationship to Tony was but he has a feeling it was fairly significant. Tony shakes his head but he doesn't say anything as he walks deeper into his apartment. Ziva was right because at this point it wouldn't be a far stretch for him to take all this pain and confusion away by simply taking himself out of the picture, permanently.

Sam follows him into the apartment and watches as the man before him paces in circles, runs a hand over his short hair. He's frustrated, he's angry. He's upset. What happens next comes without warning, Tony suddenly turned towards the wall and the instant loud crack that splits the silence wasn't pleasant and Sam didn't stop to think when he moved over towards the grown man that began collapsing against the wall as he started to cry.

Sam's starting to think that Tony isn't as healthy as he thought he was. His head is plagued with so many thoughts and misunderstandings. Sam's seen this before and it's never a nice thing to witness.

"Tony?" Sam helps him sit up and he witnesses the tears that silently roll down Tony's face.

"I can't take this, it's too hard" Tony said, it didn't bother him that Sam was a stranger this morning and all day he's been telling this man his deepest struggles.

"It will get easier" Sam said as he sat himself in front of Tony.

"How is it going to get easier Sam? I can't help but push all the people closest to me away from me because it's too hard and when I do push them away it does nothing but hurt more. I hate this, all of this. I want to remember" he's upset and Sam doesn't blame him one bit.

"It hurts for a long time, but in the end it will be worth the pain" Sam explained. He doesn't know if Tony will remember or not, but either way there will be a lot of pain before it gets better, but it will get better.

Tony sits there silently because he doesn't know what to do with himself anymore. One thing he does know is that Ziva's not likely going to talk to him again. Why does he always argue with her? It gets him nowhere and she is always right. Because she knows and she _remembers_.

And Sam knows Tony won't say anymore, so he holds out his hand.

"Let me take a look" he said as he looked down at the hand Tony is cradling in his lap. The one that had made the sizable hole in his wall. Tony held out his hand and Sam moved a little closer and examined his knuckles and fingers, prodding and bending, causing a few gasps from Tony.

"You are lucky it's not broken but it will be sore for a few weeks, and you need to put something cold on that to stop the swelling" Sam explained his findings and when Tony didn't make any effort to get up Sam went in search of the freezer for something cold. He returned to find Tony where he had left him after he found a bag of frozen peas in the freezer. He gives it to Tony and he places it on his hand.

"Thank you" Tony said and there was something in the look he gave him that had Sam thinking that it wasn't just the frozen peas that Tony was thanking him for.

"You don't have to thank me" Sam assured him.

"I do after all the things you have done for me today. You're probably starting to see the mentally unstable me coming out and I am surprised you are still here" Tony said with a light laugh, one that still held some sadness to it.

"I'm not the type of person that walks away when I see that someone could use my help" Sam stated with a smile of his own. Because he wants to help Tony, because he knows Tony finds it easy to tell him things. Because he's a stranger.

Tony notices Sam looking at his watch.

"You have to be somewhere?" Tony askes. Sam nods.

"Yes, my shift at work starts in an hour" Sam explains. For some reason though Tony doesn't want his new stranger friend to leave. Because he makes him feel normal, like there's not a care in his world when in reality his world has so many demons clouding his mind.

"I'll come back to see you" Sam finds himself adding. Because he saw something on Tony's face and strangely he feels some sort of connection to Tony. He doesn't know what it is, but it's there.

"You will?" Tony asks, because he honestly thought he would never see this man again after today, he thought he'd just brush him under the doormat like the stranger he was.

"Of course" Sam adds with another smile as he stands up and holds his hand out to Tony, Tony takes it and Sam pulls him to his feet. Sam reaches into his back pocket and fishes out his wallet, pulling a small card out and handing it to Tony.

"It's got all my contact details on it, call anytime" Sam offers, because he may not know this man very well but he wanted to do everything he could to stop him from being as broken as he is.

"Thank you" Tony repeats. Because if Sam hadn't of been there for him today Tony didn't know where he'd be right now.

* * *

Tim doesn't expect the call when his phone starts to ring at the side of his typewriter. He hasn't written much in a while but suddenly after all this emotional stuff that has gone down with Tony he's finding himself back on it and ideas were coming out of him so fast his fingers were almost not fast enough to keep up. He doesn't know what it was, maybe he wrote better when he was having emotional troubles.

He picks it up once he's seen that it was Ziva who was calling him. Lately he finds her calling him more than she used to afterhours, and he will admit he calls her more too. It's just not the same without their old Tony, he used to balance them both. Now they are both craving what Tony used to give them and they find some comfort in the friendship they have with each other. It's still not the same though because Tim cannot give Ziva as much as Tony used to, because that would overstep the friendship line.

"Hey Ziva" he greets, most of the time when she turns to him she's feeling alone. Or upset.

"Hey Tim" she replies and just from that he can hear in her voice that she's trying to be calm, but she has been extremely upset by something. "Have you got anything planned this evening?" she asks and he knows that's the start of the conversation where she wants to go to dinner with him or a coffee, or just go do something with her friend to get her mind off things. Those 'things' being Tony's situation.

Tim looks down at the typewriter in front of him, as far as plans for the night went it was just him and his muse.

"No, I'm not doing anything" he replied and he knew what her next question would be before it left her mouth.

"Did you want to grab something to eat?" she asked. Maybe being with a friend would be more social than his night alone at home by himself, because he needs to get out a little more. And he knows that Ziva needs his friendship tonight and he would put anything aside to help her out. Ziva has always been a good friend to him, ever since he met her.

"Yeah, I'd like that. When were you thinking of going out?" he asked as he looked down at his attire, sweatpants and an old MIT shirt. He would need to get changed before going out.

"I'll be around soon to pick you up?" she asked. Okay so he would need to get changed as soon as he hung up the phone.

"Yeah, okay. I'll see you soon" he replied before they both hung up the phone. He added the last two words on his typewriter to the sentence he was on and ended the day's work with a full stop. He got up and went and got into something a bit more respectable for dinner in public.

Just as he emerged from his bedroom in jeans and a tidy shirt Ziva was knocking on his door. Somehow she'd always had impeccable timing. When he opened the door and greeted Ziva he couldn't help but notice how physically tired she looked. She looked like all the life had been drained from her and he'd never quite seen her ever look like this before. She always used to hide it so well, but right now the evidence was open and there for him to see.

"Hey Tim" she smiled, the smile wasn't forced but it was sad and tired. Tim's starting to think something went down with her and Tony that had caused a lot of damage.

They didn't need to communicate much with words to work well with each other, he grabbed his coat and followed her to the car park. They got into his car in a mutual silent decision, because she was tired and he wasn't too bothered about having to drive.

"Where did you have in mind?" Tim asked as he began driving but realised he didn't know what his destination was.

"Somewhere quiet" she replied. He looked across at her and saw how she sat curled up in her seat leaning against the window, yeah something had happened. He's not used to her quite this open, this fragile. This emotionally obvious.

And he knows just the place, it's the quiet restaurant that never has many people there but it serves some of the best food. It's one of the cheaper family run places that if you don't know it's there, you won't find it. He always feels like he should spread the word about the place because it's great and the people that own it are some of the nicest people he's met, but he's selfish and doesn't want to share. Because the best thing about it was the atmosphere of it all, it was calm and quiet, somewhere you could relax.

He knows Ziva likes to come here, he'd shown her the place about a year after she'd been in America. He used to keep it a secret from his friends because he liked to write here, but he couldn't help but show it to Ziva, because it was a _her _place. The side of her that liked to curl up in a comfy seat and read for hours on end.

He also knows that Tony knows about this place, but he only ever comes here with Ziva, he doesn't bring anyone else here. Well, Tony used to know about this place.

She's quiet for a long time and even as they find a table and go over the menus she doesn't say anything, the first thing she voices is her order to the waitress. And once the waitress leaves she looks out the window that they are seated next to and she just stares at the raindrops as they pound down upon the glass. The weather today hadn't been very forgiving.

Tim doesn't interrupt her thoughts because he knows from past experience that she will share when she was ready, he would just have to be patient and wait. She doesn't look at him to begin with when she decides it's time to share, she just continues to look out the window. And that tells him something, that this was really hard for her to get out. Because when she avoided looking at you when she was speaking it was either because she was lying, or it was something hard for her to admit. He knows in this case it's the latter.

"We had a fight" she said, it's almost a whisper. Them having fights wasn't necessarily a rare thing in the past, but now, now it was different. He doesn't put a word in either because he knows she will continue to explain.

"He does not want me around. So I am no longer going to go see him, because it seems to be what he wants" she states and he feels his own chest tighten and he doesn't know why, maybe it's the sadness in Ziva's eyes as she suddenly turns to look at him. Tony and Ziva were best friends, they can't do this. "I'm just going to have to let him go" her voice fades and he almost doesn't catch that last bit because her throat closes up, she's choking on her emotions right now.

"It was just one fight Ziva, I am sure things will calm down and he will come to his senses" Tim tries to assure her, but when she looks down at her hands on the table he thinks there's more to the story than she's letting on.

"It's our third one since he woke up" she admits. What has caused these arguments? Tony was nothing but happy when he went and visited him. Tim really doesn't know what to say right now.

"And this time, this time we didn't end it so good" she explained. He knows that most of the time when they fight they make up in the end, but the ugly few that there were, they are the ones that don't end too well. This was one of those. He's never been witness to one of those fights, he's only ever been there for the minor ones and they were bad enough. Because when the two of them fought you didn't want to be around, because it was painful to even witness it.

"Give him time Ziva, he'll come back" Tim assured her. Because no matter how bad their fight had been, any semi-intelligent man would come back to her. Because he would realise how important that person was to them.

"This is getting too hard" she said, almost ignoring his comment. But he knew she heard it and took it in.

"So what? You're just going to give up?" Tim asked, knowing that comment would get its intended reaction out of her. Her head snapped up and her eyes searched his in question. Tim's glad this restaurant is quiet and no one is around, because he didn't think they would be having such a conversation otherwise.

"I don't know what to do Tim, it's hard when I'm with him and it's hard when I don't see him. I don't know what to do anymore" she admitted, she was almost giving into defeat, this was crushing her and Tim could see. He'd never seen her _this_ fragile before. Not even in Somalia was she this broken.

"I want to let him have his space, but I don't want to risk losing him" she whispers. If she lost him, she didn't know what she would do. She's broken enough already as it is. Her heart cannot let him go.

"Ziva" he says her name in such a soft way, a way that she is so not used to that she looks up at him "You will not lose him, I promise you that" he explains and that goes straight to Ziva's heart, because she wholeheartedly believes him. That he _personally_ won't let it happen. Even if he has to go over to Tony's and talk some sense into the man by doing some serious emotional sharing.

"You are a good friend Tim" she smiles a little, but it's a start. If he was that type of person Tim would pray for Tony to remember, just so it brought peace to his family.

* * *

She'd warmed up a little more as the night grew onwards, the more Tim made her think less about her fight with Tony the more she calmed, the more she relaxed. And when she'd asked if she could come in when he drove them back to his apartment he didn't say no. He's not too sure what it was about why she asked, there was just something about it.

"Can we watch a movie?" she questioned when he brought her a hot drink that he'd just made. She was sitting on his couch and he could see her gaze looking at his small collection of movies. Small compared to the size of Tony's.

"Sure, what did you want to watch?" he asked, it was strange, because he doesn't think he's ever seen a movie with Ziva without Tony being there too.

"Anything, you have good taste" she said adding a little smile. He pulled out one of the Star Wars movies and she chuckled a little, but she didn't mind because she actually sort of liked those films.

Tim took a seat by her on the couch and picked up his own hot drink as he started the movie. He felt strange. Was she trying to make Tim fill the space that Tony had left? He doesn't know if he could do that, he's not Tony. And he cannot be like that with Ziva.

It was a while into the movie before Tim spoke up, because thoughts were plaguing his mind and he had to ask.

"Ziva" he said, trying to get her attention. Which he did. "You know I can't replace him, right?" Tim stated because he felt it needed to be said. Watching movies alone together late at night was something she did with Tony, not with him. Ziva fully turned her attention to him and forgot about watching the movie, this was a serious conversation. She's slightly confused at the question and where it had come from. Then she realised what they were doing and they've never hung out and watched a movie like this before. That was something she always did with Tony.

"I do not wish for you to Tim" she says softly, because she honestly didn't. "I just need some balance" she added, feeling the need to explain. She knows she needs to have some of what Tony gave her, because she doesn't feel right without the time she spent with him, because she used to have so much of it. And going from that much to near nothing at the moment, it was slowly draining her. Tim gets it too, she needs to have that reminder of Tony around her, because she's struggling without it. And Tim's not blind or stupid, he knows how much she is hurting.

"I cannot give to you what he gave you" Tim said quietly. Because he can't, he can't give her what she probably really needs from Tony. It's something far too intimate for Tim to give her, he cannot give her that companionship that she's in need of. Tim loves Ziva and she's one of his dearest friends, but he cannot do that.

"I know you cannot Tim, I would never ask you to do it" she said. She knows why Tim is saying all this, because he's a little unsure about what she wants from him. But she would never want anything more than his friendship. Yes, she needs what Tim speaks about but there is only one man who can give her that companionship and make her feel the way she does.

There is only one man who makes her heart pound harder and break so fast. One man who can give her his love without needing to say what he feels, he doesn't need to show her he just needs to look at her and she _knows_. That one man who is her best friend, the one who she's so strongly in love with that she doesn't know when or how it happened. Only one man can mean as much as he does to her, make her happy, make her who she is. And that's Tony.

"No one could ever replace Tony" she confided in him a little. And he didn't expect her to outright say it, but she did. And her words were so painful on his ears. Because it hurt her, not having him like she used to just crushed her heart. It was starting to hurt his because he hated his friend feeling like this.

Tim reaches out and places his hand over hers, her eyes settle on his as he grips onto her hand gently.

"No one can love you like he does" Tim whispered. He knows Tony does, he's known for a long time. The man hadn't outright said it to him in such words, Tim just knows. And he knows she loves Tony just as much. They are just too stubborn, maybe just too afraid to admit it.

Ziva's smile was so small and just the way she looked at him had his heart twisting, because those words made her happy, but they killed her all the same.

"Did" she states, correcting his statement. He doesn't remember loving her like he used to. Tim didn't like when her eyes got glassy and tears threatened to spill, she was so broken and he didn't know if anything would ever get her back on her feet.

He knows everything happens for a reason, but this reason hurts.

* * *

**I know this one is a bit sad, but there's always got to be a bit of emotion when someone has a tragedy like Tony did. I'm off to get another beer before starting the next chapter, I would love to hear your thoughts while I did so! **

**Hundan. **


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello people! **

**I managed to just finish this after spending most of the evening so far on it! And just as Nicky messaged me I was finishing up, so here you are Nicky! And also that Anon that I promised on tumblr last night that I would try my best to have this up tonight! Hope you all enjoy as always! Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter, they really do make me enjoy writing so much more than I already do!**

* * *

It's been two weeks, two long weeks since their fight. And he hasn't seen her once. He doesn't know what to do. He's thought about going over to her house and just showing up, trying to fix the things he's broken but he doesn't know where he stands. He doesn't know if it's in his right to do that, show up like that after such a fight. He's wondered all week how he used to do it, how he used to fix their troubles, but he just doesn't know.

He hasn't heard from her and she hasn't come to see him, she stood by her word and she hadn't come back. He doesn't know why but it's been hurting him more than he thought. He doesn't remember her but it hurts that she's not there and he doesn't know why that is.

He talked to Gibbs briefly last week when the older man showed up at his front door, checking in on him. He saw the look in the older man's eyes though, the one that told him he knew about what had gone down between him and Ziva. He looked upset at the idea and Tony is starting to see more and more how much Gibbs cared about his team. But Gibbs didn't ask him about the fight, his eyes just silently accused him. And yeah, he deserves it.

"You need to stop hanging out with me and avoiding it" Sam's voice filled the silence in the kitchen. Tony looked up and realised that he'd been staring into space and thinking again. He and Sam had grown close in the past couple weeks because they both enjoyed the company and Tony felt so at ease around Sam when it came to everything. Because Sam didn't know any more than Tony did about himself. It was easy. Sam was smiling at him as he held a beer out to him. Tony accepted it with a shrug towards the comment.

"I'm not avoiding it, I don't know how to approach it" he replied. And he didn't, he didn't know how to start fixing the damage he made. Would she accept an apology? Or would it take more than that?

"Just go over there and see her for Christ sake Tony" Sam stated, it's what he's been saying all week but Tony just doesn't know how to do that. Every time he thinks about seriously going he begins to panic on the inside, because he doesn't want to mess this up more than he has.

"I can't just go over there Sam" Tony argued. It wasn't an angry argument, it was a discussion between men. One where Sam thought Tony was being a complete idiot the longer he waited.

"Look I know it's going to be hard but you have to be a man and face the pain because otherwise you'll never get her back" Sam stated. He knows the situation, he knows who Ziva is as much as Tony does after he explained her and deep down he knows that this woman is important to Tony. Even if he might not remember _just_ how much. He saw how heartbroken and crushed she had been when they had the fight, it wasn't just the face of a co-worker or friend being hurt, it was much more than that.

"What am I meant to say? I don't know what to say, I don't know how to be with her" Tony sighs as he takes a sip of his beer. It would be so much easier if he just knew how she worked, how he worked with her. How he apologised to her.

"Just go over there and tell her what's on your mind" Sam offered. Tony would thank him for this encouragement further down the track, Sam has seen far too many people go down Tony's path that he was taking after life changing accidents. It never turned out good, people were forever left heartbroken because of it. Being the people person he was Sam always went back later on and checked up on the patients he'd had a connection with on a scene. It's just who he was.

"What if she doesn't even let me in? What if she slams the door in my face because I was a complete jerk? I wouldn't be surprised if she never wants to talk to me again" Tony stated, all he could think was the negative because he'd ruined things so much. He doesn't know why he cares about this so much because he doesn't remember her. There's just something inside him that is telling him that this is all so wrong and it needs fixing. Maybe it was her face, the way emotion crashed into her like a wave and she was on the verge of crying as she escaped his apartment. Yeah, that had ripped into him more than he could ever understand.

"At least she knows you _tried_, that you made the effort" Sam explains. Tony sits there and Sam watches him seriously think about it, then he suddenly stands up.

"Where are you going?" Sam asks with a smile. He knows exactly where he's going.

"To see her" Tony states as he grabs his coat from next to the back door. He shoots a smile at Sam before he walks out the door. Sam sees confidence in him but he can tell he's still unsure. He knows he has to do it though, otherwise he may never have her as a friend again.

* * *

He knows where her apartment is because he's driven to it a couple of times in the past couple weeks but never has he had the nerve to go up and see her. He just hasn't been able to do it. It took him a little longer to get here because the winter weather outside likes to cover the streets in ice and snow, slowing down his journey. Which isn't necessarily a good thing, more time lets his thoughts go, it lets him start to think he might regret this.

When he gets there he jogs across the car park from his car to the building, dashing to avoid the snow that falls. It's almost Christmas. He doesn't know what he does for Christmas normally, he doesn't have much of a family to share it with. He walks up the stairs to her floor, he's done his homework, he knows which floor she's on and what apartment is hers. Maybe deep down he knew he would eventually come here because he'd took the time to find all this information out.

He gets to her apartment and he knocks three times, he does it before he hesitates and walks away. There's no turning back. And then he waits. No answer. He knocks again and then waits. Still no answer. He has her key but he knows he doesn't have the right to use it. He has lost that trust.

She must not be home. He slowly descends the stairs back the way he came. Maybe this was fate telling him that she's better off without him, without the hurt that clings to him wherever he goes.

* * *

For her it's been a very hard two weeks. Two weeks since he gripped her heart in his hands and pulled it from her chest. She knows she hasn't been the same since then, everyone around her notices it. Tim knows because she talked to him, Gibbs knows because nothing gets past that man. Gibbs even pulled her aside one day and asked, which was not really like him. She didn't have to say anything for him to know, he read her eyes like they were a thousand words.

The fact that Abby plays sad music in her lab and not her usual death metal tells everyone that she's still far from okay about everything, but Tim's been looking after her because Ziva doesn't have the strength to hardly look after herself. Tim was taking care of everyone.

Carter notices too but that's mainly because she doesn't talk much to anyone. It was normal for her not to talk to him, but not hardly talking much to anyone and he knew something was really bothering her.

She cannot stop thinking about him, she knows she should just forget about him. But it's not that easy. She'll never be able to forget him, it's Tony. Her best friend, her partner. He was a part of her.

All she could do for the past two weeks was sit at home and watch movies, she wonders where she has gone because it's not like her. She used to watch a couple movies a week when she went over to Tony's house or he came to hers, but never did she sit by herself at home and watch them for hours on end while she ate ice cream by the tubs. She was a book person at heart and he was the movie lover, but she just needed that escape to be one that reminded her so much of him. As of late she had retired her books and taken a craving for his films.

As she drives home that night she sees all the coloured lights that litter streets, it's that time of year again. Christmas. She never celebrated it as a child because it wasn't a Jewish celebration, she didn't really see what Christmas was like until she moved to America. She wouldn't be called a religious person because she's essentially not. Yes, she was born Jewish but she never really complied to the beliefs much.

She spent Christmas with her neighbour last year but she kindly denied the offer this year, she did not want to dampen their lovely Christmas with her broken heart. Maybe this year she will just spend the time watching Christmas movies, she's been meaning to watch Home Alone and The Nightmare Before Christmas. She doesn't think she should bother with a tree, because Tony was the one who always said she needed one, even if he never had one himself.

Secretly she knows he loves Christmas trees but he cannot bring himself to have one in his own home when no one is there to enjoy it with him. But if he puts one in her apartment she'll always be there. So Christmas doesn't feel so alone for him because he has her. She shouldn't think these things right now, because it upsets her. She misses how he would always do that for her because secretly she loved how he'd turn to her for companionship on such an important holiday.

The snow whips against her windscreen as she drives home, slower than usual. No need to be ninja in this weather when it came to driving, because it really could be dangerous. She pulls into the car park outside her apartment and as she steps out of her mini she pulls her coat around her tighter as she steps out of her heated car into the cold wind that whips icy air across her cheeks.

She bowed her head against the wind as she walks across the car park to stop the weather hitting her face. But then she looks up, she can feel it. She can feel someone looking.

_Him. _

She stops walking and stares at him, he stands a few feet from her after exiting her apartment building. What was he doing here?

"Ziva" he says her name quietly. It feels so familiar for him saying her name, he's been thinking about her too much. He didn't know what she was going to say right now, would she just walk past him and ignore him?

The cold wind whips her hair around and the cold chill begins to creep its way down her back as she stares at him. Snowflakes gather in his hair as he stands in front of her and doesn't move, he just waits. Waits for her to say something.

She doesn't know what to say because she didn't expect this. She didn't expect him to come back to her, she thought he'd just stay away. Because it was easier. When she doesn't say anything he swallows the nervous lump in his throat and speaks up.

"I don't care how hard it's going to be, I need you" he says softly. He doesn't know where it comes from or why he says it' he just knows it's the truth. His brain may not remember but maybe his heart does.

Is she hearing him right? Are those words coming from his mouth right now? They couldn't be. She couldn't form any of her own words.

More snow falls on them and his hair starts to turn white. It's really coming down tonight. He takes a step closer to her.

"I don't know what it is but there's something about you, something about you I cannot let go. And after you walked out of my apartment like you did, I felt like I'd destroyed something that was dearly important to me. I don't know what any of this means, I just know I need to tell you that I am sorry and I hope that I can earn your forgiveness" he rattles out, because it just suddenly rushes out of him and he has no real control of what he's saying, it forms itself.

She thinks about what he says, she _really _thinks. She doesn't think about the snow falling down on her and freezing her to the bone, she thinks about him and what he has to say.

"The thing is you hurt me so much. I have every reason not to forgive you. But I do. However the rest is up to you, if you ever hurt me again like you did…" she drifts off, because this is hard to say "I won't be able to forgive. I'm trusting you" _with my fragile heart. _He's quiet at her words because they are a lot to take in. She's giving him another chance because she has to, her heart cannot deny him. But if he breaks it again, he won't be coming back for more. Her heart can only take so much.

"I promise I never will" he assures her. He knows it's not good to make promises that you might not be able to keep but he will do everything he can to keep this promise. He doesn't want to hurt her again, he wants her to trust him. He wants to get to know her again, he wants to know his best friend.

And she takes his word for it because that's all she can do. She cannot say no to the offer he gives her. Because it's _him_.

The chill is really starting to bite firmly against her skin but all she wants to do is stand here and stare at him.

"Come inside" she offers, waiting for his answer. A small smile tugs his lips upwards, because this was not her saying no to him, this was her _really_ giving him another chance.

"Okay" he accepts her offer because he simply cannot say no to it. In the past two weeks without her being around he's noticed that his mind had had it easier yeah, but his heart hadn't. And he doesn't quite know why that is, he just knows he wants to find out.

She walks through the wind and her steps get closer to his, it's like the weather is trying to force her away from him. But what does Mother Nature know? His eyes follow her steps and when she walks past him towards the apartment she shares with him a smile, one that holds hope. Hope for their friendship, hope for this to all work out this time. They couldn't take much more struggle, well she knows _she_ cannot.

He turns and follows her as she walks up to the building he had previously exited and as he does he cannot help but let his eyes follow the soft sway of her hips as she marches on in the cold wind as it slaps against their skin and sprinkles them with icy flakes. He knows she's a beautiful woman and he will admit to the fact he'd had a dream or two about her in the past few weeks, but he'll only admit that to himself. To think that she had let him have her, that he had had the privilege to make her his –even if it had only been for one night- made his heart tight and his pulse beat a little quicker. Because there was just _something_ about her.

She takes him up to her apartment and they go past what he guesses is one of her neighbours, she's an older lady and she greets him with cheery hello and warm smile, she was familiar with him. He greets her back much the same because it's polite and he knows that if he did remember the woman he would have shared the gesture.

When he looks up to Ziva at her door with the key in the lock she's staring at him.

"You remember Mrs Finley?" she asked, her eyes have lit up because he must have had sounded quite genuine when he greeted her neighbour.

"No" he says quietly, hating the way the hope is stripped from her face as quick as that. Because he hadn't seen her face light up like that, with that much hope for a while. Not since the day he woke up. And just like he had when he woke up and said he had remembered, that hope was ripped right out of her heart. He's starting to see that he can cause a lot of damage to her so easily, and he doesn't like that he can do that.

It means it will be easy for him to hurt her again, hard for him to keep his promise that he assured her that he would wholeheartedly stand by. He knows they have a long road ahead of them, and he also knows that it's going to be a hard and very bumpy road at that. But he's not going to give up on the journey.

* * *

**Oh yes, things are looking up so far for the two of them! Love to hear what you guys think! **

**Hundan. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey guys. **

**I'm sorry this chapter took so long to write I've just been super busy at work seeing that it is my last week for the year, and I've been getting ready to leave the flat for the year to return home for Christmas break. Thank you all for the thoughts on the last chapter and I hope you enjoy this one also. Seeing as I finish work in a couple days I am hoping to have a little more time up my sleeve for quicker updates! **

**Hundan.**

* * *

Her apartment isn't much warmer than it is outside but the walls provide as a better barrier against the wind then his bare face. He watches as she walks around and switches on a few things, hopefully those heaters will kick in soon. She strips off the jacket from her shoulders and places it on the back of a chair before pulling the tie from her hair and shaking her curls out, a few snowflakes fall from where they had been trapped.

"Have you eaten?" she asks, because she knows this is difficult for them but she's going about this casually, because it's hard not to. And when he smiles, she thinks that maybe it will work this way this time.

"No, not yet" he replies. He watches as she walks to her kitchen and opens the fridge, all the while he stands and wonders what to do with himself.

"Would you like some dinner?" she asked as she pulled out some meat from her freezer, she was cooking none the less but she was inviting him to join her.

"If it's not too much hassle" he offered because he didn't want to intrude. He watches as she smiles at him, like there was something he said that triggered something in her. He may be trying to make things better but it will still hurt him a little when she remembers like that and he cannot remember a thing.

"You are never a hassle Tony, I am used to cooking extra for you" she replied. He must have come around a lot. She grabs a few things out of cupboards and he wonders if he should join her in the kitchen and help or sit at the bar bench and watch. He would feel rude just watching her slave away making the dinner, he's not a man that believes the woman should reside in the kitchen, he thinks it should be equal between partners. And after all, he was meant to be her partner in one sense.

He walks into the kitchen and she looks up at him, the look on her face tells him a lot. It tells him that she's used to him joining her in the kitchen but she's slightly surprised by it because she may have not expected it after he'd lost his memory.

"Can I help you?" he asks because he feels like he should. A smile lights her face when he does. It's been a while since she's cooked with him, but she loves it when they do. She doesn't know why but it was always something that brought their bond a little closer, maybe that was because it was such a domestic task to do together. Whatever it was, it was something she missed a lot when it came to him.

"Of course" she replied and he was the one smiling back now. He took off his jack and placed it on the chair next to her one before walking back around the island to join her in the kitchen.

She has to instruct him what to do and it's a little strange to her, because she hasn't had to tell him where things are or how she likes things done in a long time, not since the first few times they had cooked together. After that he'd known everything, every single way she liked things cooked, chopped and sliced. And he knew her kitchen as good as he knew the way around his own. But tonight they were starting from the beginning again and she cannot help but think to herself that this is just like their relationship, starting from the very beginning to learn the way things work between them.

There's ease in the air with him that she hasn't felt since he woke up. She doesn't know what it is but maybe it's the fact they are so busy cooking together that their minds are forgetting all the complications that their relationship brings between them at the moment. It felt easier this way, when they didn't have to think about it. And she was smiling, and he was smiling. It was beautiful. She didn't want it to ever end because for a short minute things felt normal again, like he was her old Tony. The one that remembered her and everything they have been through.

It's as though time stands still and they are trapped in a moment of the past but yet they stood here in the present. She knows it won't last forever, how easy this is right this minute. But she was going to savour it until she gets another.

She slides the cooking tray into the oven, they are done. All that is left now is the waiting game and this was where their minds become open and undistracted. This is where she thinks that their moment is going to end.

She stands and turns to look at him and she finds his gaze watching her carefully and there's a smile warming his face. She doesn't know what the smile was for but she cannot help but smile back.

"Would you like a beer?" she finds herself asking because she doesn't know what else to say. She doesn't know what type of conversation she should start because the mood was so light between them right now she really doesn't want to ruin it.

"Yeah, I'd like that" he replied. As she turned to the fridge to get one of his beers –which she still had in there because it's a habit of hers to always be stocked up with his drink- she can feel his eyes follow her. His gaze warms her skin because it's like it used to be, how he used to watch her. Some people would find it strange but there was always something in the way that he looked at her that left her feeling whole. Feeling appreciated. Tony had always appreciated her.

She pulls out two beers, one for her and one for him and after she pops the top she hands it to him. She doesn't know if she means to but her finger brushes against his as she give him the bottle and for some reason that soft and simple touch had her smile lighting up more than before. When it came to them just the simplest touches and gazes meant so much more. She wonders if it will be the same now.

"Thank you" he says quietly. His gaze is watching her so closely, there is something about it but she cannot quite place it. Why was he watching her like that? She stares back at him and holds his gaze and for a while they just stand there like that with smiles on their faces. She doesn't get it but she's not complaining about it.

"Can I ask you something?" he finds himself saying. He doesn't know if he should approach this now but the mood is right and he feels as though she will tell him. It just feels right in this moment. Because somehow things felt easy right now. She looks at him and really wonders what he has on his mind. She knows this has the potential to get a little ugly because last time he asked her something on his mind it hadn't gone too well. But she guesses they have to grow by risking these things.

"Sure" she replies as she takes a sip of her beer and leans back against the kitchen bench. He's standing opposite her and doing much the same. He opens his mouth to let the question fall from his lips but she watches him hesitate a little, he contemplates not asking it. But when she gives him a small smile in reassurance he manages to get it out.

"What was I like before all of this?" he asks, he has had that on his mind for a long time and he finally knows he cannot wait any longer to find out. He wants more than anything to know exactly what he was like. Sure Tim had told him about as much as he knew, but Tony wants to hear it from her, someone who knows him better than anyone. If anyone can tell him who he used to be it's her.

She looks at him for a minute because she didn't really expect that to be what he was going to ask her. And this answer is not a simple one, because it's not a simple question.

"You were a very funny man, but not everyone got your humour. But then again sometimes you _did _take it too far" she smiles as she says it and again she is remembering something from their past. This time however it makes him smile too, just seeing her smile like that about something about him, even if he doesn't remember he's smiling about it. He doesn't say anything though because he knows she's not finished.

"You were a really good agent, one of the best that there is. You haven't needed to work under Gibbs for a long time but you still do, because you do not do change very well" she admits, he can see this conversation starting to get very personal "And you are one of the most reliable and descent men I know, you'd do anything for anyone without a second thought. You are one of a kind and that's what makes you so special" she said and the way she was looking at him made his cheeks suddenly become a lot warmer. She appreciated who he was so much.

"You have come a long way over the years, when I first met you, you were quite different. The underline of who you are was there but on the surface you were so different and you've grown so much, you've become a better man than anyone could have imagined" her voice is becoming softer and he can tell how personal this had now become. Her eyes just looked at him in such a way it told him how important he was to her, just with that look.

She looks at him quietly then, because she doesn't know how far he exactly wants her to explain. Because she honestly could stand her all night long and tell him everything about him. But maybe that would be too much.

"You said I didn't do change well?" he asked, speaking up when he realised she was waiting for him to say the next thing. He watches as she takes a sip of beer while she thinks of how to word this.

"From as far as I know and as much as you have let me in, many things in your past have hurt you and they have all happened because of change, so you avoid change as much as possible. Because when something hurts you, it does more damage than it should because you keep so much of it bottled up inside to yourself. That is one thing I wish you never did, hide it all and keep it bottled up, but then again I cannot judge you on that so much without being a bit hypocritical" she said with a light smile. Because yeah, they were both the same in that way when they shouldn't be. But's it's just how they have both learned to protect themselves when it comes to the things that matter most, things that will break your heart if you are not careful enough.

He's starting to understand just how much she knows about him now, she knows all the small things, all the important things. Things that are far more personal than an average friend would know. They must have been very open with each other, but then again he feels as though they still didn't share a lot when it came to their feelings about each other. Because he gets the feeling when she looks at him sometimes that she cares more than just his best friend. And from the things he knows he wouldn't put it very far past himself to think the same about her. But yet it was obviously something they didn't discuss.

He's had a hard time coming to terms with his relationship with her, for some reason he just struggled with her and everyone else seemed to be alright. He still isn't fully at terms with what exactly his relationship with her really is, and he doesn't think he will truly know unless he ever gets his memory back. Because people can only explain so much, you cannot describe the full extent of some feelings. Those ones had to be felt and understood personally, never explained to by someone else.

So far this evening with her had gone alright, and he's glad. Because there's something that he feels, he's not sure what it is but it's deep in his bones and he just feels something about her. How important she is to him. He doesn't know where the feeling comes from, he just knows it's there hidden deep in his confusion somewhere. And as soon as he'd crushed her heart that day not too long ago, that feeling had suddenly woken him like a punch to the gut. He cannot explain it and he won't try to, he'll just listen to it. Because it seems like it's helping him make things change for the better.

He suddenly realizes he's been quiet for a little while and Ziva is watching him carefully. She just explained something deeply personal about him that she knows a lot about and he's yet to reply.

"We are similar then?" he asks, remembering her saying she'd be a bit hypocritical if she called him out on bottling up his emotions. To him, Ziva felt like she shared a lot of emotions, but maybe that was just something she did with him.

"Not exactly, I wouldn't say we were similar. Some aspects maybe, but we are quite different" she explained. He watched her smile a little to herself, she must be remembering something. And he's still quite jealous when she does that.

She remembers just how different she used to be to Tony, but a handful of things about them are quite similar these days. And that's all because of his influence on her. She won't lie to herself in saying he didn't change who she was, because in all honesty Tony had changed her from the woman she was when he first met her. And she was grateful for it, because she preferred the woman she was now to the one she was eight years ago.

He nods his head at her, like he understood her answer and he didn't need to know any more information. She knew that he needed to know more than simply that to fully understand but for some reason he wasn't going to ask. She found it strange that he wasn't digging for the truth, because it's something that was constant from him, because he didn't know and he didn't understand.

"I don't understand how you handle all of this, but I'm thankful for it" he suddenly said, jumping the conversation to something completely different. She draws her eyebrows together, confused a little at what exactly he was referring to. Cooking for him?

He seemed to catch onto her confusion.

"I meant how you try your best with me, no matter how much I pressure you or constantly ask you about everything, you always seem to let me in, help me out" he explained and she was now on the same page as him.

"You are my best friend, there is not anything I wouldn't do for you" she replied and he realised how softly she'd said it. This was from deep within her heart. For a minute he looked down at his beer and turned it around in his hands. He doesn't know what to say, because he doesn't know what to feel.

"I think you are my best friend and I think I might do anything for you too" he replied softly. He doesn't know exactly what he's doing but saying that felt right. Like it was something he should say to her right now. He lifts his gaze and meets her eyes that stare at him, they hold a look of almost adoration.

"We have a long road ahead of us" she begins, and he feels the way this turns a little more serious. But it was a good serious, because they were starting to get their problems sorted and they were moving forward. He was all for going in the forward direction with her right now, because things were looking up. Things felt a little easier on his heavily weighed down shoulders.

"And we will take it slowly, but we will get there in the end" she continues. He does see that hope in her eyes at the last part, she hopes with everything she's got inside her heart that they will get there. And yeah, he does too. He feels like it's worth it with her, even if he doesn't fully understand her yet, he knows he wants to and that he will try to as much as he possibly can.

He lifts his beer and tips it towards her, she smiles and does the same. It might not be a promise but they will hope together that they get there eventually. Now for them it was all about time, time that they took small step by small step to get to the intended journey in the end.

She won't say that she's not scared about what might happen, because she's terrified. She promised to give him another chance after he broke her heart but the pain still lingers there, she hasn't forgotten. At this point they are okay, she is just afraid because she knows they are fragile. And once you've been hurt, you're so scared to get attached again.

But she does it, because she hopes for the better and not the worse. And because simply, she cannot live without him.

* * *

**Oh oh, we are slowly moving along! Love to hear your thoughts! **


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey guys! I know this has taken a while but my holidays have been hectic and so busy I have hardly been able to sit down and write. Anyways I spent most of yesterday trying to finish this before I head off to Australia tomorrow and I will be back in a week and a bit! **

**I hope everyone had an absolutely wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year to you all, whether it be tonight or tomorrow! **

**Here is the next chapter!**

* * *

"So how have you been the last two weeks Tony? Have you seen any improvement since our last visit?" Gareth asked him as he walked into the room and picked up his clipboard. It had only been a fortnight since his last visit but to Tony it seemed like it's been months.

"I have been alright, most things normally I have found still fine, it's just the memory side of things that gives me problems still" Tony explained to Gareth as he pulled a chair up next to the bed that Tony sat on. Gareth wrote something down. He knows the struggles Tony is talking about, they talked a lot about it on his first visit after leaving the hospital. It's hard to take in all the new information at once, and it can be quite emotionally painful.

"You have been talking to your friends some more?" Gareth asked. Last time Tony was in here he had had a fight with Ziva and they hadn't been talking, Tony hadn't been talking to any of his friends at that point. In Gareth's line of work he tackles these meetings from all sides. Not just the physical but also the mental and emotional.

"Yes, I have" Tony replied, but then he thought. He's only really patched things up with Ziva and maybe Tim. He hasn't even gone to see Abby yet. Maybe he should get on that soon.

"And how did that work out for you?" Gareth asked. Tony has gotten used to Gareth writing down things on his clipboard when they are together and have these meetings, but Tony would always love to read what exactly it was that he was writing down. Was it good? Was it bad?

"It was hard, but I overcome that for the better. Because I really hurt her and I needed to fix my mistake" Tony explained. He knows Gareth is not a physiologist but he's never told him not to stop talking when he decided to take the conversation personal like this. Gareth just seemed to listen and understand.

"And you are moving forward now?" Gareth asked. He doesn't fully understand Tony's relationship with his partner, but then again neither really does Tony himself. But Gareth seems to get the main idea of it all and he has a feeling that if Tony works on his relationship with his partner it will be for the better of himself and his condition after the accident. Because it doesn't seem like there is anyone else who can help him through this better than her.

"Small steps but yeah, we are getting somewhere" Tony explains to his doctor. For some reason he really likes letting all this out to Gareth, like it takes some of that weight of his shoulders.

"That's good. And nothing else from your memory has returned?" he asks and Tony shakes his head. Nothing new. Gareth puts his clipboard down on the bed next to Tony and stands in front of him.

"Now let's take a look at that wound and see how it is" Gareth said. Tony turned his head to the side to let the doctor examine him. Tony's hair was getting a little longer but you could still see the scar on the side of his head because the hair hadn't grown in that spot. It looked quite healthy and like it was healing very nicely.

"It's not giving you any grief?" Gareth asked.

"No, it's pretty good. I just got to watch it when I wash my hair" Tony explained and Gareth nodded in understanding. Something else Gareth noticed is that Tony has kept the stubble look since waking up, unlike when he was brought in here he was clean shaven.

"Well it's looking as though it's healing very nicely, and I expect that in the long run you won't really see it unless you have a short haircut like a buzz cut" Gareth explained. Tony just nodded in understanding again but he said nothing else so Gareth continued.

"So you think you're doing alright then? Nothing else is bothering you?" he said. He wanted to make sure they covered all the bases and that Tony wasn't leaving anything out.

Tony knows he hasn't told Gareth about his little emotional breakdown and freak out that he had that day when Sam found him on the park bench in the rain, so maybe this was the time to tell him. It felt right. And as he looked up at his doctor he could tell he noticed something on his face right now, that he could tell her was holding something back from him.

"A couple weeks ago I had a bit of a mental breakdown. I guess you could say it was pretty bad because if this guy hadn't of come and got me out of the horrible weather it could have ended badly" Tony admitted softly. He knows Gareth won't like to hear this, because he doesn't want Tony to become an emotional mess. He wants him to get better. And hearing this wasn't the best. And as soon as he looks up at Gareth he knew he was right, because Gareth didn't look like he liked hearing that.

"How come you didn't tell me this last session?" Gareth asked just as softly as Tony had explained.

"I guess I wasn't ready, I'm still upset with myself for what I did. It was stupid" Tony shrugged. Gareth put down his clipboard and stopped writing all of a sudden. Something Tony doesn't think he's seen him do in a session. Gareth only ever put his clipboard down when he needed both hands to examine Tony's physical progress.

"It might have been stupid in your mind Tony but it's all about your development. It was something you had to get over to move on, the emotional stress of someone in your position is normal and most of my patients have been through big breakdowns all through their journey trying to get back into their old life" Gareth said as he sat in front of Tony on the chair. The fact that he had put down his notes had meant a lot and Tony felt like this was a little more personal coming from the doctor like this

"Are you saying there will be more like that?" Tony asked. Because he doesn't really want it to ever happen again, in all seriousness. When Gareth looked down slightly Tony got his answer.

"I am not saying you will, but be prepared because if it happened once it may happen again. If you get too stressed out and too much is going on in your head, it could happen. You just need to have someone that you will trust to watch over you in that time of need" Gareth said. _Ziva. _Tony couldn't help it, he doesn't know why but his mind went straight there. Even if she ended up being a trigger to another emotional breakdown, he could still count on her to get him through it. He just knows, right down to his bones he knows it.

"I have that someone" Tony said, a little confidently. Gareth liked the small smile that made its way on to Tony's face. Gareth knew exactly who that person was, and he also knew that that woman was going to help Tony get through many difficult things in the next few months.

* * *

He's neglected a lot of people since waking up from his coma and he knows it's not good with how he's acted, but the past is the past now and he cannot change that anymore. All he can do now is help shape his future with the people in his life. He's talked to most of the people that were close to him, the two that he probably really hasn't seen all the much except for once would be Ducky and the Goth girl Abby. According to Ziva when he talked to her about it the other night, Ducky wasn't as bothered because he understood a lot, but Abby had been taking it hard.

He decided to go out of his way yesterday because now he's starting to really try with everyone, it may be still difficult on him to handle but he struggles with it silently because it's for the better. When he talked to Abby on the phone yesterday she was quiet to start with but when he asked if it was okay to come over and see her he could hear the excitement grow in her voice. He could tell she was still trying to hold back her excitement a little, like she was almost bursting to just scream in excitement but she held it in as much as she could to not make herself sound too over excited about such a normal thing. It may be as simple as him coming over to see a friend, but really this was a big step for the both of them.

He won't deny the fact that he's very nervous right now as he stands outside her door. He can hear voices inside and unless this woman likes to talk to herself obsessively then he would guess someone else was there. It's harder when there is more than one person to deal with, he prefers to take on one at a time.

He knows his relationship with Abby isn't the same as his one with Ziva so he doesn't understand why he is getting all nervous about this, maybe it's because Ziva had told him that he had been very close to Abby, she was like his sister. And he'd let his sister down and now he had to face the music. Maybe that's why he's hesitant when he lifts his hand to knock against the door in front of him. But she knows he's coming, he cannot back out now.

He's in a bad place but all this is what will get him through it. It's hard but he is here and he is trying, he is learning. It's all about letting the people that know him best tell him his story through their eyes. That's what will get him through.

And so he knocks.

He hears it go quiet inside and then he can hear boots making their way across wooden floors. This is it, she's his sister pretty much right? This will be good.

When she opens the door she's beaming at him with a smile, she is the happiest person he's come across. It doesn't match the clothes she adorns, the big knee-high boots and the punk short skirts and t-shirts. But he doesn't judge, because the book isn't always what the cover leads you to believe.

"Hey Tony, I am so glad you wanted to come over" she said, excitement almost bursting out. She's still holding back, holding in an energizer bunny of feelings that he knows she wants to just let loose. But she still doesn't. Maybe she's afraid she'll scare him, be too much for him. It probably would so he's grateful for her restraint. She's trying just as hard as he is. It means a lot.

"I figured I needed to come see you" _because I've avoided this long enough_. He knew he couldn't leave not seeing her much longer than he had, he might have lost her as a friend if he did. But he doesn't want to tell her that he's been avoiding this, because he doesn't want to hurt her obviously very open heart.

She steps towards him, like she was going to hug him but then she looked up at him, unsure. Ziva had said Abby was a hugger.

"Is it okay if I hug you?" she asked, her voice taking on a quieter more personal tone. And he doesn't think he can say no to her, even if he's not hugged anyone since waking up. He's hardly shared personal contact with anyone.

"Yes" he replies very softly himself. A smile flickers on her face and she takes that last step closer to him, but he sees how carefully she approaches him. She may be a hugger but he knows this hug will be a softer one of her many.

Her arms wrap around him and she holds onto him very lightly. She lets out a soft sigh because she has probably missed this, because he's kept it away from her. He brings his own arms around her, it feels like he's hugging a stranger almost, but at the same time he kind of likes it. It's nice, comforting. Maybe this won't be so bad, there's just something about this woman that has him feeling a little easier about everything while he hugs her.

He wasn't sure who tightened the hug and held on a little longer, maybe it was her maybe it was him. He wouldn't put it past himself right now, because it was heart-warming, he felt just how much she cared for him in this hug.

She pulled back after a short while and smiled up at him, a whole smile. Because he had enjoyed the hug, whether he remembered her or not. And that meant a lot to her.

"Come in" she steps to the side and opens up room for him to enter her apartment, for what seems like his first time because he doesn't remember his past visits. He walks in and takes a quick scan of her apartment. There's a lot of older Victorian furniture but it doesn't seem dark, it's a very light and open place. Very happy, peaceful. And it fits her perfectly.

Then he sees a guy walk into the room hesitantly. He had blue eyes and dark black hair, a handful of tattoos decorate his arm, but there is a hopeful smile on his face. If he had to guess this must be Abby's brother, they look so alike.

"Tony, this is my brother Kyle, Kyle this is my friend Tony that I was telling you about" Abby introduced when she saw her brother walk in. And just from that introduction Tony realised that he hasn't actually met her brother before this moment. Tony quite likes meeting people he doesn't know, it's a bit easier for him.

Kyle walked up to Tony and he looked at him for a moment before he hugged Tony. Yeah it came as a surprise to Tony and he wasn't really ready for it, but he took it in his stride. Abby and her brother were very alike, and Tony had already picked up on that after only a few minutes.

"It's good to finally meet you, I've heard a lot about you. I'm sorry to hear about what happened though" Kyle said with a soft smile as he pulled back from the hug. Abby was watching the whole situation carefully, she wasn't too sure about Tony will react in all these new situations. She talked to Ziva a lot about it and she knows sometimes Tony will be good but then other times he may be a little unstable when it comes to his emotions. And Abby has never really witnessed that, Tony being shaken with his emotions so clear and visible. He's always been her tough rock that holds _her_ together when she needs it. He's always been there for her and she's happy that he is here today, working on trying to be the friend he used to be.

"It's good to meet you too" Tony replied with a smile. He knew coming here today wasn't going to be the easiest, but it had to be done and he wanted to do it. It was the start to the new beginning with his good friend Abby.

* * *

The more time Tony spent with Abby the more he was fascinated by her and he came to realize how he had become so close to her. Because she was such an open and cheerful person and he could almost feel how strong her bond had been with him by how she talked with him, laughed with him. Tony was also fascinated by her apartment and all the things it held, it was so decorated with old historic things and it had a lot of her gothic touch to it but it was so warm and lived in at the same time. And Tony really had to smile at the black Christmas tree when he saw it.

"So you two are spending Christmas together?" Tony asked. He knew Christmas was only a few days away, the reminder was everywhere that he went. He had talked with Abby and Kyle for hours on end for most of the morning and surprisingly he's been alright. He hasn't had too much trouble with it all, maybe that was because Abby mostly talk about random things, nothing really that was about his past. Maybe she did it on purpose, maybe not.

But what he doesn't know is that she was doing it on purpose. Because from what she had talked to Ziva about Abby had figured if she kept the talk away from the hard past and on things easier to Tony's ears, it might be easier for him. She's wasn't just science smart.

"Yes, it's just me and Kyle this year, my mom Gloria and other brother Luca are both doing their own thing this year" Abby answered, Tony did catch on to a little hint of sadness in her tone towards the end of the sentence. She was upset that her mom and brother had other plans.

"It will be a good Christmas here with the two of you though, right? Since it's your first Christmas together" Tony said, trying to take Abby's thoughts to the more positive. Abby and Kyle had told him about how they had come to find each other this year, long lost brother and sister. Tony thought it was actually a very touching story.

"Yes, it will be" Abby said more excitedly as she looked at her brother and smiled. That made Tony smile. Abby the turned and looked at Tony for a minute with something on her mind and he had a good idea of what it was he could see her wanting to ask.

"I know a lot has been going on for you, but have you thought about doing something for Christmas?" Abby asked softly. She knows he's been dealing with a lot, but she doesn't want to see him miss out on Christmas. And in all honesty he's seen everything around him that screams Christmas to him, but he's not doing anything. Sam had offered him to come along with him to his small family thing but Tony didn't want to intrude.

"I think I might just give it a miss this year, everything's just so confusing and I think it would just be too hard" Tony said a little sadly. And the way he said it broke Abby's heart. She reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, and he found himself enjoying the touch. Because it was thoughtful and when he looked into her eyes they spoke volumes to him. He was like her brother, and she was there for him.

"You know if you want you are welcome here to celebrate with me and Kyle" Abby explained to him.

"Yeah, we would love to have you" Kyle added. Kyle liked helping others, and he would love to help Abby's friend out by just being there as another friend. Tony smiled a little more.

"Thanks guys, I might drop by if I don't get up to much" he replied, however he didn't know if he actually would. Because like with Sam's offer, he doesn't want to intrude. Even if he is welcome to come.

"And I know you are welcome at Gibbs' thing later, everyone is going to be there in the evening" Abby said. Tony looked at her and thought about it. It would be good for him to go to that, because then he can fix some of the broken things between him and his friends. But it will be hard, very hard to handle. He doesn't know if he's ready for that. He doesn't want that breakdown that Gareth was talking about yesterday.

"Maybe I could come" Tony said with a shrug and Abby didn't push after that. She knows he knows about it now and if he's really up for it he will come, there is no point in trying to force him. Abby gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze and a hopeful smile.

"Ziva could keep you company" she said quietly before she let her hand drop from his shoulder. He'd been thinking it, that if he did go he would need someone to watch out for him, and he had thought of _her_. He just didn't quite know how Abby knew exactly that, what he was thinking. Did she know something?

But it doesn't really matter what Abby did or didn't know, because in the end she was right. He's not sure if he will go, but if he does he hopes he can count on Ziva to have his back. Just like she told him she used to.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed the chapter! It's only the beginning for his development with Abby! **

**All of you have a safe New Years and I will have a few drinks in honour of you guys because you have been a great support of me and my stories all this year! I can never thank you enough! **

**Danni. **


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey guys! **

**So I'm back into the swing of things for the year, back to work and everything and after the first couple days at work I now have time to myself a lot more and managed to get the next update for you guys!**

**Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter, I try my best to reply to as many as I can! **

**Hope you enjoy this one!**

* * *

It's Christmas Eve and he doesn't have anything planned. He doesn't know if this is the usual occasion for him or if it's just how it is now after his accident. Either or he knows that tomorrow will probably be a very boring day. Sure he's been offered to go to Abby's or Sam's and even Gibbs', he just feels like his presence will be more negative than positive, so he's just staying away from it all. It's easier this way.

He doesn't know what it was that brought him out into town in the afternoon on Christmas Eve, especially when it's the busiest town probably ever is, but here he is. Maybe it's something about the atmosphere, what that is about it he doesn't know because everyone he sees is rushing about in a mad rush for their last minute shopping or dragging upset kids behind them who just want to go home already. He has a feeling that the light snow influences him somehow, he doesn't know if it's always been this way or not but the weather calms him.

Maybe it's the people watching that has brought him out, because he finds watching the lives of others interesting, he wonders what it would be like for each person he sees if they lost their whole memory.

Would the man that rounds up his three small children be able to be the father he is now? Would the lady loading her trunk so full with all those presents have a hard time getting to know all those people again that those gifts are for?

And the woman yelling at her husband for some silly reason realise that she should treasure her time with him right now, because it could never be the same tomorrow?

None of these people will realise anything, not until it happens to them will they realise their whole world could change in a split second.

He walks down the street and watches all the people rush past him as he walks far too slowly and undetermined for everyone around him. He doesn't have a rushing purpose to be anywhere so people around him tend to find his relaxed way frustrating. If only they knew what was going on inside his head right now, so far from calm and fine than it could ever be.

He stops outside Christmas tree place, there aren't many left but there is still a good few. He's surprised by the amount of people trying to purchase a tree last minute, it's more than he would have expected.

And that's when he sees _her_.

She's talking to a man that works there and she's pointing and discussing the tree in front of them. It wasn't a very large tree, just a regular size one, one that you could probably strap to the top of a normal car to get it to its destination. Was she buying a tree last minute? He wonders why because he feels like she's more of an organised person than that.

When she smiles at the man in thanks and he walks away Tony decides to walk up to her. He walks between all the tree buyers and keen sellers until he reaches her and the tree she is about to lift.

"You need some help with that?" He asks and her body goes still. He's come to realise that she notices his voice quicker than anyone. When she turns to look at him she's smiling. He hasn't seen her in quite a few days now, and he's excited by the smile she greets him with.

"It's not needed but if you have nothing better to do than carry a Christmas tree to my car then sure, you can help" she said with a smile. Even though she's a smaller woman he can tell she can hold her own. She hasn't said much about her past but he knows she's an agent and that accounts for some. And the arguments they've had showed just how much fire she has, and he just has this feeling that her bite is stronger than her bark. Maybe one day he will find out, hopefully because he will remember and not find out first hand.

"I have nothing better to do on Christmas Eve than this I assure you" he returned with a smile. Even though his words were a little sad, he said it so lightly and almost happily Ziva ignored the sad fact he has nothing better to do on Christmas Eve. Given she knows why he has nothing to do, she could almost guess off the top of her head. He's not spending it with anyone because he doesn't want to intrude. And she knows he won't do anything tomorrow unless someone drags him along to something. And she has a feeling that it will be her job to drag him along to Gibbs' tomorrow. Because in the long run it will be good for him and all his relationships with his friends.

He reached down and picked up the bottom of tree and when she grabbed the top and gave him the signal they lifted up the tree and started walking it towards her car. Him being the gentleman and walking backwards.

"So why is it that you are buying your Christmas tree so late, the day before Christmas? Or is this some weird crazy thing you like to do?" He said with a light laugh, which she returned.

"I just haven't had much time with work this year, I wasn't even going to bother until last night" she admitted, however he could tell there was something more to that story than she was letting on.

"What changed your mind?" He asked as he stepped around a lady who was fusing with her young child.

"Well I didn't really do the whole Christmas thing until I moved here. I didn't even put a tree up until three or four years ago, and I didn't even start myself doing that. I guess it just didn't feel right without one, considering" she said, this time her voice was a little softer. Maybe there was something more personal about putting a tree up for her.

"Considering?" He asked. He had a feeling it had something to do with him, the way she went all quiet. She avoided the question for a few moments as they manoeuvred the tree around a group of people before they set it down on his end next to her car.

And for a moment as she stood there looking right at him softly, only a tree stood between them he realised just how much this involved him.

"Every year you've been the one that comes to my apartment and picks out the tree before helping me decorate it in my apartment. You've always been the one that's insisted I have one, even when you never put one up yourself in your apartment" she said quietly with a soft smile. This was a personal thing between them and the reason she hadn't got a tree yet was because he was the one who always did it with her. And this year, he didn't remember.

"I have never put one up myself, it was always your tradition" she added, the smile she wore told him she liked his tradition a lot. He looked at her softly.

"If it was my tradition why don't I have one at my place?" He asked, he was very curious. She avoided her eyes for a second before settling her gaze back on him, something he realised that meant the conversation was a tougher one.

"You never right out told me but I knew it was because it symbolised family and happiness to you, something that reminded you of your mother, and you didn't want to put it up at your place when it would just remind you how…" She was finding it hard to say, it wasn't really a nice thing to point out about someone. But she had to and she could tell he wanted to hear it. "How lonely you are at home. So when you put it up at my home you didn't have to be alone when you experience that side of Christmas, because you were never alone with me" she explained and a silence settled between them and the Christmas tree.

He didn't really know quite what to say, this had turned out to be a very personal thing between them, but it seemed as though it was quite casual.

"And every year we do this?" He asked, he was so curious by now he had to know more about this.

"Yes" she said and her smile that lit her face said a lot more to him about it. He felt bad not being there this year for her when he was meant to be. But she doesn't seem to blame him.

"So what changed your mind last night?" He asked and she continued to smile at him.

"I guess my apartment felt empty without it, your tradition has grown on me too much" she said, and it sounded like it was a very good thing. That she liked the fact it had grown on her so much.

"If you want I'd be happy to continue the tradition with you?" he offered. Her smile grew more.

"Really?" She asked. She wasn't sure she could believe what she was hearing.

"Yeah. I might not remember but I would love to contribute" he smiled.

" I would like that a lot" she replied. She was more touched by his offer than he would truly know.

* * *

They had managed to get the tree on top of her car and safely all the way back to her apartment. It was a bit of a struggle walking it up the stairs to her apartment but they managed to get the job done.

When they got it up there she showed him the spot they usually put it, right next to her small DVD collection. He only says it's small because his one is huge, but then again her book collection on that same shelf of hers takes up a good amount of space. It was impressive.

They've been decorating for almost a couple hours now and honestly he's had the most fun in that time than anytime else since waking up from his accident.

"You really sure you want me to put this on your tree?" Tony asked. It was a very unpleasant picture of himself dressed as what he was guessing was Elvis? Maybe? Ziva laughed and nodded her head.

"Yes, Tim gave me that and I am very fond of it" she continued to chuckle, it always made her laugh when she saw it. And the look of horror on his face right now was priceless.

"I've noticed that most of the decorations on your tree are rather _different_" he observed. Most seemed to be homemade or personal, and she had a good handful of pictures of people hanging in the tree. A few of them being ones of him.

"My tree isn't really about looking the most beautiful, it's more about being the most meaningful. Over the past couple of years most of those decorations have been given to me by people I care about. It makes it special" she explained with a big smile, one that he could really see reach her eyes.

He pulled out another decoration out of the box, it was black bat and he definitely knows who that one came from.

"I think it's one of the most beautiful Christmas trees I have ever seen" he says and he really means it, and she hears that in his voice. She turns and looks at him, and the look that she casts in his direction is full with fondness.

"I am glad you are here Tony" was all she said, taking the conversation in a different direction suddenly.

"I wouldn't rather be anywhere else" he smiled at her. He felt a little charming tonight and he doesn't know where it had come from. The more time he spends with her, the more he likes her. And when he means _like_ it's more than a friend capacity. He doesn't know why he feels about her like he does, it's just starting to happen the more he sees her. And he's doesn't truly know but he would bet on the fact that he had feelings for her before his accident.

The room falls quiet and all that is heard between them now is the soft music Ziva has playing in the background because he doesn't say anything and neither does she, she just stares at him softly and he returns the look right back. He can almost feel something passing between them, some sort of powerful energy. But maybe he's just lost his mind a little. No pun intended.

Sometimes he wonders what they were like, what it was truly like between them. Maybe not the relationship but how if _felt_. How it felt to be as close to her as he was, how it felt to be her best friend. Because the feelings he gets simply by looking at her opens him up and makes him feel alive. Because when he really lets her in and he relaxes around her like this and he doesn't fight against her or with her, spending time with her couldn't possibly be better than anything he could imagine.

He ended up in her apartment on a slim chance, he'd seen her beautiful curls in amongst the green pine and somehow fate had brought him here tonight. And at this point he's not sure he wants to leave and he doesn't believe she will kick him out. Because right now as he is looking at her, and god she is _so_ beautiful, she stares back with a open passion. Her eyes don't hide how she feels.

He cannot help his feelings for her, he doesn't know where they have come from but it's like a light has gone off inside of him and it shows him the way he's meant to go. And he doesn't know why this is all happening or what has caused it, he just has a feeling his heart knows the truth. And he will happily follow it blindly.

He doesn't know how long that time passes between them but it feels like forever, and the good kind of forever. The one that he actually doesn't want to end. He feels alive and he feels like this is so _right_. Maybe this was how it felt before, and if that's true he can understand why he'd cared about her so much. Because for him, she felt so easy to love.

He cannot explain anything of what is happening in this moment, but all he knows is that it's not just some story, this is truly happening before his eyes. This was not a happy dream to escape his sad reality but his sad reality telling him that maybe it doesn't have to be so sad considering. Because he feels happy right now, and he doesn't feel so alone.

* * *

She ends up offering him to stay for dinner when they finish decorating the Christmas tree, and he could never say no to that offer. However when she brings out cookies and ice cream he's a little surprised.

"Is this part of the Christmas Eve tradition too?" he guessed, because he had no other explanation for it. He doesn't think anyone would eat cookies and ice cream for dinner normally. The bright smile that she returns as she hands him a bowl is an answer before she actually says it.

"Yes, it is actually" she chuckles a little as she thinks about it while she takes a seat next to him on the couch "The second year we did this Christmas thing you and I had been last minute shopping on Christmas Eve because we had been stuck at work on a hectic case we'd missed out on doing it when we should have, and we ended up retuning from shopping at just after eleven at night and we were both extremely tired by that point…" she said and before she continued she let out another chuckle, this one included a little snort, whatever she was thinking of must have been funny and he found himself laughing along even if he hadn't heard the rest of the story yet, she was just too adorable when she laughed like that.

"I'd all but died on the couch and you went into the kitchen to find something to eat and you returned with cookies and ice cream, your explanation being that it's Christmas Eve and you're meant to leave cookies and milk out for Santa when he comes, and that ice cream was pretty much like frozen milk or something so it was considered the same thing and you believed we had to uphold the tradition by eating it for dinner" she smiled at him, and she gave him a look that was definitely right from her heart "You don't always make much sense to me but your entertainment value never fails to amuse me" she continued. And he's glad about that, because if it made her smile like _this_, he would do it every day.

And if he thinks about it, the cookies and ice cream thing made sense.

"Sounds about right, honouring Mr Claus by having this for dinner" Tony said with a laugh as he scooped up some ice cream into his plate. That had resulted in a bubble of laughter from Ziva. He turned and he looked at her and how she looked right now couldn't be more beautiful. It was late and she had dressed down, her hair was out and loose and she was in laughter with the best smile on her face. He loved it.

The way she looks at him is a little different too, it's from the heart and it's so soft. Maybe even loving. But what does he really know?

"You haven't changed one bit" she smiles. And he knows that her talking about his memory loss maybe a hard thing to swallow, but the fact that it came out with such happiness while she said he's still the same was actually good. Because he might not remember but deep down he's still the same, and she likes that.

He takes a bite of his ice cream as he watches her take some of her own cookies and ice cream. This was a strange Christmas with all these different things he was doing, but it feels like the best Christmas he's ever had so far, and it wasn't even Christmas day yet.

He doesn't remember much about his Christmas' when he was younger, but a few memories still floated around in his head.

"I remember when I was little and I used to always make these forts out of chairs and blankets and anything I could find, right in the middle of the room in front of the Christmas tree. I'd fall asleep in it waiting for Santa to show up while I was hiding in my fort, trying to catch him, I never did though. I always fell asleep before I got to see anything, and somehow my parents managed to put out all my presents without waking me" he relived, a smile gracing his face. He looked up from his bowl where he had been staring and looked at Ziva. She was watching him quietly and taking in the memory that he was sharing with her. She looked touched, almost surprised. Maybe he wasn't as open about his childhood before his accident like he was now, because that's the idea he's starting to get when she seems very surprised to hear such personal childhood memories from him.

"I've never built a fort inside before" she realizes as she thinks back to her own childhood. Her father wouldn't have agreed with the mess that doing such a thing would cause. And she's still a little surprised at all the things Tony shares with her so openly, because he was always someone to keep his personal childhood memories to himself. But she likes the change in him, because she loves hearing his stories like this. It warms her heart, because at one point in his life he had had a normal childhood. Before his mother was taken from him.

"Well the night is still young" he smiles. He feels like he should give her that experience, everyone should build a fort out of blankets and chairs and just create a big mess once in their life. Ziva chuckles.

"Tony it is almost midnight" she points out and he just shrugs and smiles back at her, which in turn makes her smile that much bigger.

"We better get started then" he announces as he puts down his empty bowl and starts to redecorate her living area. She laughs.

"Are you really going to build a fort in the middle of the room, right before midnight on Christmas?" she asks. She already knows the answer because she sees the happy determination on his face, but she still cannot believe how the evening had unfolded with everything. It was one of the best Christmas Eve's she has ever experienced before.

"Why not add one more weird Christmas Eve tradition to the list?" he says with a smile as he moves her armchair. And yeah, he's right. Why not? She picks up his empty bowl and the ice cream.

"I guess I better clear some space" she smiles and he feels so good, because he managed to convince her to do this. She's going to love it. Who said anyone older than thirty couldn't build a fort out of blankets and furniture in their living room if they didn't have kids? No one.

* * *

"I cannot believe you convinced me to do this" Ziva said as she stood and looked at the huge fort in front of her, it almost took up her whole living room and it used all the blankets and bed sheets in her apartment except for the ones on her bed. This will be a nightmare to tidy up.

"Look at it though, it's amazing!" he exclaimed as he put the last touches to the fort by plugging in the extra Christmas lights that he had hung in and around the fort. "It's got to be the best fort ever built" he said, fully agreeing with himself. He switched off the main light and the Christmas lights made the room glow colourfully. He looked over to see Ziva and she was shaking her head but laughing softly at the same time. He was still her old Tony and that's what she loved most about this moment.

"Come on, you got to try it out" he said and she wasn't expecting it when he grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the fort, but she found herself holding on and not really wanting to let go. Because she missed physical contact with him, more than she thought she would. He crawled under the only open part of the fort by the Christmas tree and led the way, bringing her along with him. She was laughing and the sound was the best thing ever to reach his ears.

They sat down on the pillows that littered the floor inside the fort. He'd managed to collect all the pillows in her home and fit them inside the fort. And as they sat his hand lingered in hers longer than she would have called normal, but she wasn't complaining one bit, because really she didn't want him to let go.

"So you've got all your pillows for comfort, TV for entertainment, then the door has to be where the Christmas tree is so when he comes you can catch Santa, and of course the food is important" he said picking up the cookies and smiling at her. Even though they were alone in her apartment she felt so alone with him right now under this fort, like nothing else matter and the whole world was lost to them.

"I still cannot believe you got my television under here too, how am I meant to watch my Christmas movies?" she said. She wasn't fully serious but she did always watch a Christmas movie today. And she just realised it was actually Christmas and by the look on his face, so did he. It was well past midnight now.

"Merry Christmas Ziva" he said, a soft smile falling on his face and the fort suddenly seemed smaller. He seemed suddenly closer.

"Merry Christmas Tony" she replied. And she doesn't know why she does it but she needed it and she gathered his hand in her one. He didn't seem to mind by the way he smiled at her and gave her hand a small squeeze in return and he continued to hold her hand.

He likes it, he'll admit that. His pulse goes faster and he doesn't really know what is going on. But he _really_ likes it. He doesn't remember their past but does that really matter at this point? Because she does and that's what's important. And she wouldn't do anything she wouldn't have before, right?

She doesn't know how long it was they sat there like that, but at some point while they both sat there holding hands simply listening to her very soft music and relaxing, he'd fallen asleep. She could hear his soft snores escaping and filling the fort. She wouldn't have it any other way, because his hand was still in hers and today had been a very good day with him. And building this fort and sharing it with him was probably the best part of their eventful evening.

She's glad that she'd brought the remote for the stereo into the fort because she was able to turn off the music without leaving the fort, and leaving her hand in his. The silence filled the room and all that was left to hear was his snores, something that she will admit to herself that she also misses. Because it meant he was asleep and he looked the most peaceful in his sleep. He just looked so young and innocent, that he had nothing bothering his mind which she knew used to be full of problems. Which it still did, his problems are just different now.

She doesn't know why she does this either but she finds herself moving closer and she rests herself against him and leans her head on his shoulder. It was far too long since the last time she did this, and she _really _misses this. They didn't do it often, it's only been a handful of times, but when they did it meant everything.

She closes her eyes and just relaxes against him. He might not have his memory anymore and she doesn't know if he ever will get it back, but right now she isn't too worried at this point because today was good. And they were good. And she wouldn't ask for anything more than being able to spend a day with her best friend and for it to feel normal again.

And as she lays here with him in the fort, right next to the Christmas tree she realises this is her gift this Christmas, him still being alive and being right here by her side, that's her gift. And she wouldn't wish for anything more than that.

* * *

**Couldn't help but give these two a little comfort, they deserve it don't they? I hope you all liked the new chapter and would love to hear your thoughts! **

**Side note: Who is excited for the new episode today?! I think I might just burst with the feelings that the episode is going to bring!**

**Hundan. **


	15. Chapter 15

**Sorry that I have been gone for a little while and working on this one guys, I'm on course with work at the moment with no internet and a lot of study and work to do so it's difficult to get much of this done, however I managed to get this done and found some internet so I could update it. I hope you enjoy it and it was worth the wait!**

* * *

When he wakes he realizes he's not alone, not even close to alone.

She's snuggled into his side and overnight they have spread themselves out across the floor of pillows in the fort they had constructed earlier and in this moment, where she is here asleep and has her arm around his waist so she can get in close and rest against him, he realizes how much she trusts him. This woman he has come to know that doesn't share her feelings as easy as he would hope, the woman who is a federal agent and probably something even more intense than that, is snuggled up against him in her sleep and absolutely relaxed.

She has no worry in the world, she knows she is perfectly safe here. In his arms. And that is just how much he realises she trusts him. He's suddenly finding out more and more just how close they were as friends. If what they are doing right now has happened more than just this one time, then yeah, they are _very_ good friends. And he likes that.

He will admit that he knows he is starting to get feelings for this woman, he can feel them deep in his bones when he's with her. And right now in this moment he is on overload when it came to the light feeling in his chest. In his heart.

He doesn't know what it is that makes her stir, it must have been him moving, even if he had only moved the smallest fraction. There was something about her, the way she picked up on things and sensed things so quickly. He knows she's an agent but he wonders if there is more to that than she has told him. He feels like there is, he will ask one day, but not today. Not on Christmas Day.

He doesn't move from his position beneath her, he doesn't hide the truth of how they fell asleep the night before. He's not going to avoid it, even if it could make things awkward. He doesn't really know if it will or not, he guesses he will just find out.

Her hand around his waist makes a fist around his shirt as she stirs and as soon as she realizes that's not her bed sheets she is holding onto and she lifts her head and looks down at him. And he is smiling up at her.

"Good morning" he says and she cannot help but smile back. She wonders how long he has been awake for. One thing she doesn't wonder is how they ended up in the position they are in, because she fully well knew how. She does wonder how he feels about it though, because this will seem new to him. He doesn't remember doing anything like this with her before.

"That it is" she replies and her smile grows. He may not remember but it seems as though he is still not bothered by sharing her personal space. Her hand on his waist moves slowly up his chest to cover where his heart is.

"Thank you" she says quietly while she stares down at him. They were getting personal again, and yeah he actually really liked it when they did that.

"What for?" he asks, because he's not too sure exactly what he has done for her to be thanking him, but it seems as though whatever it is that he has done was a good thing. If the way she is looking at him right now was anything to go by.

"For not giving up on me" she said and he felt the way her fingers drew small circles on his chest "If you had not of come back to me I am not sure what I would have done" she explained. He saw the slight hurt ghost across her eyes as she thought about just how it would be without him, and she could not bring herself to ever want him gone ever again. It would just be too hard. He is too important to her for that.

He lifted his hand up and covered the one she had over his heart, and he knows his heartbeat is maybe a little faster than it should be right now and that yeah, she could probably feel it, but he wasn't too worried about that.

"I just had this feeling where I realized if I let you go it would have been a big mistake" he admitted to her. And that was a big step for him, for them, admitting something that personal. His heart was starting to beat faster as she stared at him in a way that she did. It didn't unnerve him as such, it had him excited for what she was thinking.

She moved a little and lifted the hand that wasn't on his chest and lightly touched the side of his face before threading it slowly into the side of his hair. He had no idea where this was going, but he would follow it all the way with where she would take it.

"It is something you continue to be very persistent at" she says and she's _really_ smiling at him right now. There is something different about her smile right now, something he hasn't quite seen before in her smile. There is something _very_ personal about it.

"What's that?" he asks, continuing to smile back. He can feel her fingers softly running through his hair and god, it was the best thing he's ever felt. He cannot believe she is touching him like this right now, so intimately, but he's really glad she is. Have they done this often? Touched like this? He wonders.

"Not letting me go" she explains. He's never let her get far, never let her escape him and she was so very glad for that. At the beginning she had become very annoyed with his persistence but after a while she realized she couldn't really live without him being around either and so she is so very grateful for every time he never let her go.

He watched her and he saw it when her eyes flickered down to look at his mouth, and he knew exactly what she was thinking about in that moment. She was thinking about kissing him. He could read it so clearly on her face, and it makes him wonder some more, other than that one time they slept together, how often have they kissed each other?

Then she was leaning closer to him and he wasn't going to back out of this at all when she brought her lips down to meet his. By now his heart was racing a mile a minute. This felt so much better than he had imagined because yeah, he had imagined this with her. It was just something about her. And the way she kissed, god it took his breath away. It just felt so_ right_, nothing had ever felt so right to him before. No wonder they had slept together if this is what kissing her felt like.

He brought his hand out to grip onto her waist and he pulled her even closer to him as he responded in kind by kissing her with everything he had. He couldn't get enough of her right in this moment, she was a very good kisser, very good indeed. She wasn't very hesitant in her kiss either, like she knew exactly how to kiss him and she didn't regret the move she made on him. Something was definitely changing in the relationship between them he could feel it deep down inside of him.

After a short moment she pulled back slowly and proceeded to smile down at him, her smile even brighter than it had been a moment before. However he was the first one to make a comment.

"My hearts pounding" he admitted, even though he doesn't doubt that she could tell right now. She leaned in closer to him again and her nose touched his softly as she gave him a gentle peck. He was being so honest right now, in admitting something like that and it was quite different than the last time they kissed.

"I can feel it" she smiled as she stayed very close to him, and stared at him softly with a particularly affectionate look in her eyes. He was running his hand slowly up and down her side as she threaded her fingers between his.

And when she looked down at his mouth again he wondered if she was going to kiss him again. She doesn't know why she is doing this, she really, _really_ shouldn't be right now, especially considering his situation, but she couldn't help it. And he didn't seem to mind all that much, not with that smile on his face right now she doesn't think he has any problem with this.

"I don't really know what to say" he states, because that's the honest truth. Yeah, he surely enjoyed that kiss, but he wasn't sure where it had exactly come from. She realized that, he may not be used to her, to _them_. Because he doesn't know how they work exactly. It made her think a little more, if this was the old him, would she still have kissed him? Would he have let her with the knowledge of how hard it has been between them because of the last time they decided just to go along with the lust they had for each other?

"I am sorry" she suddenly says, however not pulling away from him. She didn't have enough heart in her to pull away. She was addicted to him far too much to do that right now.

"You don't need to apologize" he tells her as he lifts his hand and brushes her hair back from where it had fallen around her face. There was a slight frown on his face, because he didn't quite understand why she was trying to apologize. She leant back off him a little, but she didn't move too far away, he still had his hands on her.

"You don't understand" she says very lightly, she didn't want to argue with him, not on Christmas. And he decided to take this calmly, because he didn't want to either.

"Yeah I do. I might not remember about things before and all of our past, but with you this all just feels so _right_" he explains. Because it did, it just felt so right, like his heart was yelling at him to hold onto her and never ever let go. And he trusts his heart more than his head.

"We have so much past Tony-" she began but he decided that like before he was going to fight for her, and so he cut her off.

"Is this hurting our past?" he asks. It's an important question and when she just looks at him he knows she realizes that no, this wasn't hurting their past and in all honesty this wasn't really hurting _them_. "No. See it's not. Just relax, it's Christmas" he added with a smile, which in turn had her smiling again. She didn't see any harm in their past by their little sudden kiss, but she knows it will do something to their future. What? She wasn't sure. She just knows last time they did something like this it changed their relationship forever.

It's a little hard sometimes with him, because she almost feels like she's in a one sided relationship with him, simply because he doesn't remember the past of their relationship. But she won't for the life of her ever blame him for that, she could never ever think of even wanting to blame him for it. But maybe she just has to do this a little one sided and let the past of what they had grow on him. Because things right now were good, and she just can't say no.

She let out a deep breath and lay back down against him with her head on his shoulder and he brought his arm around her a little more before finding the remote and turning on a Christmas movie. She smiled because he might not remember but somehow deep down he must just remember without even knowing it. Because he still knows things, considering the movie he'd put on is, _It's A Wonderful Life_.

* * *

"I'm not forcing you to go, I just think it will be good for you" Ziva said lightly from the kitchen. Tony was still in their little fort after they had watched a couple Christmas movies, it was already late afternoon and she had brought up the conversation about him maybe coming along to Gibbs' house for the evening.

"I feel like I would just be out of place" he replied as he emerged from the fort and headed to join her in kitchen where she was making some coffee.

"Tony you won't be out of place, they are all people close to you and I know they would all be very happy if you showed up, they would be ecstatic about it" she turned to face him as he came to stand next to her.

"It will be hard-" he began but it was her turn in the day to cut him off and set him on the right tracks.

"Tony, was last night and today so far, hard for you?" she asked. She knows it may be a little, but hardly considering how bad it has been for him. He shakes his head, no. "These people care about you just like I do, and there is nothing they will make hard for you. It wasn't that hard when you saw Abby the other day was it?" she went on to ask. For a second he wondered how she knew about that because he hadn't exactly told anyone. But then again, he knows she and Abby are good friends, they must talk.

"No, it was alright" he admitted. Why he kept trying to jump away from this situation she doesn't quite know. Maybe he's nervous, he doesn't want to make things bad between him and any of the people close to him. But she knows with all her heart that this will be very good for him. She just needs to convince him to attend.

"I don't even have gifts for them" he said, she knew he was grasping at the last straws to reasons why he shouldn't go, because she continued to convince him that it was going to be good. And he was starting to believe her.

She reached out and placed a hand on his chest.

"Tony, they do not care for gifts, you being there is a big enough gift for each of them, trust me, it was for me" she said and that comment had made him smile. Yeah, she knows he's going to come now she can just read it on his face. She had successfully convinced him.

"Okay" he said. He couldn't help but go, especially with her convincing him with _that_ comment. Her hand on his chest tapped lightly.

"Good" she smiled up at him as she dropped her hand from his chest. She will make it her mission tonight to make it the best time he could ever imagine.

"Is there a particular dress code for this event?" he asked as she turned to the coffee pot to pour their drinks.

"Well it tends to be a very nicely dressed evening" she stated as she handed him his mug.

"So do you suggest I wear a suit?" he asked. He hasn't worn one since his accident and it makes her a little excited. She loves his casual clothes but he always did look very handsome in a suit, and it's been far too long since she's seen him in one.

"You usually wear one, but it is up to you" she replies as they head back into the lounge and into the fort, where they had the end of the last movie to watch before they will have to get ready for Gibbs'.

"Are you wearing a dress?" he asked, she also didn't miss the way he gave her a quick once over and picturing the dress she might wear.

"Yes" she smiled across at him as he scooted close to her while he pressed play on the remote.

"Well I think I might just have to wear one of the many hidden in my wardrobe to fit in if you are wearing a nice dress" he smiled back. And she looked at him for a moment, because he still had his stubble. He had yet to shave it off like it used to be since his accident, and she didn't think she has ever seen him in a suit with a bit of stubble. And honestly, she was excited to see the very handsome sight that it will make later tonight.

* * *

So far at Gibbs' house it had all been okay, so far Tony was doing alright and he seemed to be comfortable with everyone around him.

No one can see her standing by the doorway but she's watching them all from where she stands at the edge of the kitchen while they all happily sit around in the lounge. Like every time Gibbs has any sort of gathering at his place he'd managed to find other seating and filled his lounge with it. They even had another extra this year, Kyle.

When Ziva had seen Tony for the first time when she picked him up to bring him with her to Gibbs' it actually had made her heart skip a beat. It hasn't been too long but long enough for her to miss him in a sharply dressed suit. Mixed with that stubble still there, she had to say that he looked mighty fine tonight. He never seemed to disappoint her when it came to how he looked. He had very, very good genes. But she's not surprised with his beautiful mother and handsome father.

And it had made her light up in a smile when he had complimented on the dress she wore. Because yeah, she liked it when he complimented her like that, she always had.

She watches him smile as he talks to McGee about something, the two of them seem to be getting along quite well so far tonight and she likes that, because she knows they were close before his accident. Sure they might not have hung out every weekend but they had a very close bond that they had formed over the years and she would hate to see that be lost between them.

When they had given the presents out just after dinner Tony had been feeling a little uneasy about it all, because he didn't exactly have anything for anyone and they were all giving and receiving. He felt extra guilty when people and given him things and yet he had nothing to return to them. However as much as Ziva and anyone else stressed that it was okay that he didn't have anything, that him being there was enough, he wouldn't get over it. But the rest of the night has gone okay after that and it seemed as though he'd moved on, so that was a plus. Even though deep down she knew he probably hasn't got over it.

She didn't realise that Gibbs had come up behind her until he said her name, she was that lost in her thoughts. Sometimes she thinks she's beginning to lose her edge a little bit, but only a little.

"I am glad you convinced him to come along" Gibbs said as he came to stand behind her. She turned back and looked at him, giving him a light smile.

"It wouldn't be right without him here" she replied, because in all truths, it wouldn't. He was part of their family and she so badly wants him to be able to feel that feeling of belonging again. Because she knows it's something he cherishes. Being able to belong somewhere, somewhere where it just feels _right_, no matter if you are related by blood or not. Family isn't always determined by DNA.

"You are right, it wouldn't" Gibbs agreed "How has he been recently?" he went on to ask. This time Ziva took her gaze away from the man in question and turned to focus on the conversation with Gibbs.

"He has been a lot better. Have you not talked to him much?" Ziva asked. She hasn't right out asked Tony if he visits the others much and maybe she really should. Because by the look on Gibbs' face right now it doesn't seem like he sees Tony very much.

"I haven't talked to him in quite a while. I know he went and saw Abby the other day, other than that I don't think he goes and sees anyone else much" Gibbs explained. She knows that he's leaving out the fact Tony sees her a lot, but he doesn't have to say it for her to know. And he seems to just silently understand that there is an understandable reason why he sees Ziva more. Because there's just something there, there always had been. Memory loss or not he still has that strong bond with Ziva.

"He has improved a lot, it's not always noticeable but deep down I know he is better. He hasn't really remembered anything but emotionally he's okay when it comes to more personal things now, he's finding it a little easier to move on from his accident and trust more" she explained. He wasn't sure what he was going to get out of her when he asked, but this was surprisingly more than he thought. And this was good to hear. Any sort of progress was good to hear about.

When she says trust more, he knows she means he trusts _her _more. Because he hasn't really seen anyone else enough. In saying that, all he heard from Abby about the day she spent with him was all positive and good, so that had been a very good sign. In all honesty he misses his Senior Field Agent more than he thought he would, and not just in a work capacity.

"Do you think he's going to ever remember?" he asked, and he wonders if she can hear the strong amount of hope in his tone of voice. Because god, he hopes to the high heavens that Tony will one day remember. It's just not the same as it used to be. Sure Tony's here right now and he's still Tony, he's just, _different_. He's not the exact same man he used to be, Gibbs can just see it so obviously when he watches the man talk to his friends. He's so much more open, so much more emotional then he used to be. He's just not quite the same man he used to be.

Gibbs doesn't really like the look on Ziva's face right now, not with the look she is giving him.

"Every day all I hope for is for him to remember Gibbs, but at this point how long it has been and how little he has remembered, I really honestly don't think he ever will" she replied, her voice hardly above a whisper as she said it. He can hear it in her voice, how much she didn't like her own answer, how much it rips her heart out to think such things. Because it's just not the same, there's a reason why Agent Carter was not invited tonight.

Gibbs feels for Ziva, because no matter how hard it is for him to struggle with this whole Tony thing he knows she has it the worst. He won't deny how close his two agents were, he knows exactly how close they were. It's why he knows how hard this is for her. But lately in this last week or two she's been good, so maybe things between her and Tony have been okay with everything, that they have been taking this in their stride. Only god knows how that is working, because Gibbs knows it must be a struggle.

Gibbs reaches out and places his hand on Ziva's shoulder and she smiles at him softly, she understands his gesture.

"He is here and that is the best things we can ask for" Gibbs says. She nods and agrees with him, because he survived and he's alive with them and relatively well. And that's far better than him not being here at all.

"And for now he's happy" she said as she looked over at him smiling and talking to his friends, his family. She placed her hand on Gibbs' and gave it a little squeeze, because she is with him on his, they are both happy to still have Tony.

They still have all of their family, and that's the miracle they wish for every Christmas.

* * *

**I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts! **

**I will update this again in the next week or two before I go out on operation for a month where I will have no computer at all! **

**Hundan. **


	16. Chapter 16

**Thank you all so much for your reviews on the last chapter, they really helped me with this chapter! Here's one a little bit longer for you all!**

* * *

They hadn't really talked about the kiss they shared on Christmas morning, and they hadn't really advanced from it at all either, they really just stayed the same. Ziva was happy and Tony was happy, and that's all that really mattered. Things had stayed very good between the two of them in the last couple weeks and as far as they were concerned that was progress.

Tony still hadn't remembered anything more and he was starting to get a little nervous about that fact, especially considering he had a psych evaluation at work this week and a meeting with Vance. He really wasn't looking forward to that.

Ziva had been spending a lot more time with Tony in the past few weeks, because he wasn't afraid of spending time with her anymore, he wasn't afraid the past that they had. Because right now the past was the past, and that was what he liked to think about it. She still felt a little guilty about it because she did remember the past and she knows exactly how they were, before this all. But she's too afraid to tell him that, because she doesn't want to lose him.

And right now, she likes were they are at. Because for the first time in all the years they have known each other he is finally so honest with her, he doesn't hold back his feelings one bit. Sure he was getting close to letting her in, but nothing like with how easily open he is right now. And she sort of likes it, really likes it. Because it's easier for her to be honest with him and that just makes their entire relationship so much more easier than it used to be.

She realizes now just how much they kept secret from each other. Their true feelings.

She knew it was there deep down at one point in the past, that was obvious with how hard it was for them after they slept together. Because honestly, she's still not over that moment to this day, that's exactly how hard it was to get over.

If she's being honest she wants more with him, and right now she knows it could easily go somewhere, she can just _feel_ the way he thinks. And yeah she would love to jump on that chance quicker than anything but she doesn't think she can, simply because he doesn't remember their past, and it doesn't seem right. She feels like she's taking advantage of his situation. And no matter how much she really wants that, she doesn't think she can do it. It's just not right.

Her phone starts to ring on her desk and Carter looks up at her when it does. She's beginning to get used to him doing it, he seems to train his eyes on her a lot. Tony used to do it too but it was so different when Tony did it, when Carter does it, it's just strange. It doesn't feel right. But she just tries to ignore it, because she has a feeling Carter is going to be sitting at Tony's desk for a while yet, because Tony won't be back to his job until he remembers. And she doesn't see that happening soon. And she doesn't like that fact, not at all.

She picks up her phone and she smiles when she sees the caller ID.

Tony.

Gibbs is nowhere to be seen and they are only doing paperwork so she stands from her desk and walks over to the window away from the bullpen to have her phone conversation in private. Both McGee and Carter watch her as she does.

"Hello" she says quietly with a smile when she answers the phone.

"Hey, sorry if I'm interrupting work" he says and yeah, she can hear a smile in his voice too. He seems to love to smile as of lately.

"No, it is fine, we are not doing much" she explains honestly. Because today had been a very slow day of paperwork and nothing could be worse than one of these days, especially without Tony there to keep her sane.

"That's good then I guess, so you will be home tonight at a reasonable hour?" he asked. He knows how on and off her job can be when it comes to finishing at a reasonable hour or not. He's starting to come to learn all the things he used to know.

"Yes, I am pretty sure I shall be home at a very reasonable time tonight" she smiled, it sounds as though he has something planned, he would like to do something with her tonight. And she very much likes the sound of that.

"Good, so I guess that means you can have dinner with me this evening then?" he asked. And she could almost hear the ring of charm in his tone and a bigger goddamn smile on his face. She didn't know exactly what he had planned but she was excited, and she couldn't really say no.

Its times like these that she has her old Tony back, except that now he was more honest. More obvious when it comes to his feelings for her. She's not sure if the feelings he is showing now have grown since his accident or deep down he remembers his feelings for her and he just doesn't know it yet. Whatever it is she likes it, even if she feels a little guilty because he's not the same person exactly and it almost feels like she is cheating on her old Tony with this new Tony. But is it really a different person? No, she thinks not. So she's okay with it, for now.

"I would like that, yes" she smiles. And this isn't just a normal smile, this was that sort of smile that a lover could bring out of you. One that shows how happy your heart is in that moment. Tony's not her lover but she always wishes that maybe someday that could change. He is the one who truly holds her heart and he has for the last couple of years.

"What time do you think you will finish?" he asks, because if he's going to make her something he wants it to be ready as soon as she walks in the door from work.

"Most likely about five, since its slow today" she explains. She's so intrigued to what he has planned, because she's never really had a surprise dinner from him like this, not one that sounds so much like an invite to a date.

"Great, just come over to mine after you finish and it shall be ready and waiting for you" he charms a little more. She's had a lot of charm from him before, but never so honest. He's honestly being charming to her and not just in a playful way. That had her heart skipping along a little faster and her smile glowing. That and the fact it seems as though he will be the one cooking this dinner makes her even more excited for this evening.

"I cannot wait. I will see you then" she smiled and then he returned her goodbye before hanging up the phone. For a minute she just stood by the windows and stared out into the day, a big smile on her face. She knows his accident makes things harder than anything and she really struggles with it, but lately she likes this part of it. The part of it that makes him share his feelings for her so honestly, he doesn't hide his heart from her as much as he used to.

She's conflicted sometimes between letting herself go along with him on everything or keeping away because it's a dangerous territory to be entering with him when he's this honest. She almost feels like she's taking advantage of him for some reason but then she realizes he's a man who makes his own decisions and he's still _Tony_, so she shouldn't feel guilty.

That and she just cannot let him go when he opens up to her, because she's wanted this side from him so much in that past few years. And now that she's had a taste she knows it's exactly what she wants and that she was right to want it so much from him over the years. Because she has feelings for him and if she said she didn't she would be lying. Not that she would admit that fact to anyone though.

She returns to her desk after the phone call and she knows both of the boys are watching her, staring at her suddenly very happy mood. Carter probably won't exactly understand who she was talking to that made her smile like she is now but Tim knows very well who it was. She can see it on his face as she lifts her gaze to look over at her friend.

He smiles back at her when she does and she's not exactly sure why, maybe her happy mood spreads to him because smiles are infectious, maybe he just likes the fact that Tony still makes her happy like he used to.

* * *

This week she has started to realize that Carter is growing on everyone at work, including herself. And she doesn't like it. He's not a bad guy, he's actually a really nice guy, but the fact is that to her it feels like they are coming to a point where they have a comfortable team without Tony in it, and she really doesn't like the thought of that. It actually makes her a little upset to think about, so she tries not to think about it.

It doesn't help her worry that Tony still doesn't remember.

Carter isn't scared of talking to her now either, she could tell that he used to avoid it as much as he could when she'd snapped at him one too many times in the beginning but now that he's more comfortable in this team he does it more often. He still has the wits about him still not to touch Tony's things in his desk though, no matter how comfortable he may be. Carter is actually a really good agent and if this wasn't Tony's position in the team they were talking about she would say he was the man for the job.

But no one but Tony was the man for this job position.

In her eyes Carter was a great agent that could be in a very good team permanently, just not their team. Their team didn't want anyone permanent to stay.

She didn't realize how much she'd slowed down on her work and gone off in her thoughts until Gibbs walked into the bullpen, with a much too familiar stride in his step, and that stride wasn't the one that meant go home, it's the one that meant there was a new case. She wasn't the only one who knew his step far too well.

"Boss we got a case?" Tim asked. The simple nod from their boss was enough to tell them all that yes, they had a case.

"Grab your gear, this needs to be kept under wraps so we need to move as quickly as we can" Gibbs instructed and they all grabbed their things and ran to the elevator. Normally Gibbs would only say a few simple words when a new case came up, and so with him announcing it was this urgent, something must be going on that was a lot more serious than they all really knew.

* * *

Tony was excited to see Ziva tonight, more than anything else. Because she made him feel easier and took his mind off things, like his meeting with Vance and the psychologist at NCIS later this week. Something he was not looking forward to, because he knew he wasn't going to do very well, simply because he still didn't remember anything.

Inside he was stressing about it, even if on the outside he seemed okay. He'd talked to Sam about it a couple of times, stressed how worried he was about it. Sam assured him that it was going to be fine and that there was nothing seriously bad that will come out of it. Sam said he reckons they will just set up another meeting with him in a few months' time to see how he is going and then go from there. All Tony could think about was the worst possibilities.

He has wanted to talk to Ziva about it too, but he's not too sure how to approach her with it. Because he knows she misses him at work, she told him that last week. That it wasn't the same without him there. And that cut him deep because he so badly wants to be back where he belongs. He's come to realise that that is where he belongs and it's his purpose in life, and right now he has no purpose in life because he cannot do what he on this earth to do. Because he doesn't remember.

He was going to bring it up tonight, but he will see how the evening goes. Because if the mood of the night isn't worth ruining with talk of work, he won't bring it up.

The night goes on and he makes a really nice dinner, she should be finishing work soon. He's set up the table in his dining room and made it all nice. He even set up a couple candles and got out some wine. This wasn't a date per say but what's the harm in treating a woman with something nice? Especially a woman that deserves to be treated right.

The clock rolls on and the dinner is ready but she has yet to turn up. It's almost five so surely she must be here soon. He ends up texting her once, then twice when he doesn't get an answer for half an hour. Then he tries calling her but no one picks up the other end. He waits because he's sure she will turn up soon, but by the time it gets to eight he has some of the dinner by himself and leaves. Because he's upset now.

Things in his head aren't stable right now because he's worried enough about this thing at work, he doesn't need to worry about her or be upset when she stands him up like this. He finds that when he gets real upset, it's just horrible. His feelings like to play punching bag with his heart and his mind when he gets stressed, and he cannot seem to make it stop when he lets his thoughts roll and roll.

With everything that's going on right now he needs her, and she's not here.

* * *

The whole time Ziva is at the crime scene she finds it so hard to concentrate. She left her phone on her desk and when they get to the forest with the dead marine there is no longer any cell service, so her plan to borrow Tim's phone had gone down the drain. And she knows Tony will be waiting for her, no heads up that she will be late and she feels the most guilty she has ever felt. She doesn't know how he's going to react to this, she hopes it won't be bad because by the time they are heading back to the navy yard it's almost eleven.

She rides back with Tim and when she asks to borrow his phone he lets her, he's noticed she has been rather stressed since they got to the crime scene.

"Are you alright?" he asks quietly as he watches her dial a number on his phone. She nods but he's not fully convinced.

"I was meant to meet Tony for dinner five hours ago" she explains and her voice gives her away, because she sounds worried. When he doesn't pick up the phone when she calls he hears her swear in her native tongue. She's stressed, he can feel it.

"He'll understand though, right?" Tim asked. Surely Tony would forgive her for it, she was rushed out at work with not much time on her hands, he should be understanding.

"He'll understand eventually, but that's not what I am worried about" she explains. He's not too sure what she is worried about because he cannot think of anything else that would make her as worried as she is. She seems to see this and she doesn't stop before explaining. "He's got his meeting with Vance and Dr Wolf this week and he's really stressed about it. He doesn't say much but I know he is, and I have a feeling that me not showing up will make him upset with everything else he's got bothering him. He's a lot more fragile than he used to be" she explained. That's one thing bad about this new Tony, he wasn't as tough emotionally as he used to be, and she has to look out for the signs. Because it's easier to break him now. She wonders if this was what he was like as a child and he learned to develop the hard emotional wall he had as he grew older.

Tim stays quiet because he's not too sure what to say, because Ziva seems very worried about what Tony might do. Ziva wishes she could explain more, but she doesn't want him to know about what happened last time he had a breakdown.

"Gibbs will let you go" Tim says, because he will, as soon as he sees Ziva like this he will realize just how important it is to her. And if it's about her making sure Tony is alright, he will definitely let her go.

"I hope so" she replies quietly as she puts his phone down after trying to call Tony again, no luck again. Tim is worried because he sees how worried Ziva seems to be about this and it doesn't look good.

* * *

They ended up having to play politics with the CIA to get jurisdiction on this case so they couldn't do anything as of yet except for trying to find computer leads and phone information on the dead marine. Ziva had yet to ask Gibbs in the half an hour they had been back, because simply she didn't know how to approach the conversation with him.

Little did she know Tim had said something to Gibbs and now Gibbs had been watching her closely, and yeah he noticed something was up, he'd seen it there since they had been at the crime scene. She was confused when he told her to follow him and he led her to his office, the elevator. And when he did she just knew he knew something was up. He stopped the elevator with the emergency switch and he turned to her and stared at her for a brief moment before speaking up.

"What's up Ziver?" he asked, he was concerned. She let out a little sigh.

"I'm worried about Tony and he's not answering his phone" she said, she didn't want to go into great detail because Gibbs didn't need to know that stuff, he always just understood. However she wasn't expecting the reply he gave her.

"I can spare you for two hours while we play politics with the CIA" was his answer. He didn't need to know anymore, and he doesn't really want to hear the details. Because he knows she is getting too close to Tony. But he's not going to stop it, because it's helping to heal his boy.

"Are you sure?" because she felt guilty leaving when they need her help, she always would. But she's too worried to not go find him.

"Yeah, we can't do much until Vance sorts it out, just find him and fix it" Gibbs said. She nodded in reply and thanked him before he switched the elevator back on and they both returned to the bullpen. Tim and Carter watched confused as she gathered her things and left. Tim didn't need to be told what was going on, because he just knows.

"Where's Ziva going boss?" Carter asked. Because sometimes he doesn't get why the tough marine goes easy on Ziva and lets her come and go when she needs to sometimes. Maybe he's just not really part of the team yet, because he doesn't understand it sometimes. He knows he's not part of the strange family bond this team has going on, and he knows he will most likely never be part of it or truly understand it.

Gibbs gave Carter one look and that was enough of an answer.

"Right boss, getting back to work" Carter said as he put his head down and got back into going through the dead marines bank account details.

* * *

He's still not answering his phone when she gets to his apartment and he doesn't answer the door when she knocks, so she lets herself in. He doesn't answer when she calls his name either. She walks into the apartment and looks around, what she finds breaks her heart.

There are dishes in the sink from the meal Tony had made, and there's half of the dinner sitting cold in the oven. Her half of the dinner. She can tell by looking at his kitchen how much he put into this dinner just for her. She walks into the dining room and his table is set for two, he's even got his nice plates out for the occasion. And the two candles in the middle of the table have melted right down into nothing. That's how long he waited for her to show up and she never did.

She walks through the rest of his apartment and she doesn't find him anywhere. He's gone and she's not sure where. This was _not_ happening again. She lets out a deep sigh as she sits down on the edge of his bed, she runs her hands through her hair because she is frustrated with herself. She did not just let this happen again. Just when they got so close she's most likely pushed him away into the dark again. She knows he's going to be upset with her, maybe even angry with her.

That's when she hears the lock on his front door turn then opens and someone walked in. She can tell his step just by listening, she knows it is him. She gets up and stands in the doorway and he's coming down the hallway, he stops in his tracks and looks up at her. This is the moment when she realises this is the first time since his accident when he has come home from drinking his sorrows away with a bottle at the bar. He didn't even have any alcohol at the Christmas party, he doesn't drink like he used to. But maybe now he does again.

She doesn't like what she sees.

He's still wearing a nice dress shirt and jeans, because he'd dressed up for her, and he was even clean shaven. This is the first time he has been clean shaven since he woke up and he shaved for a reason. She doesn't like looking at him when he stares at her like this, with pain in his eyes. God, she is having so many flashbacks to the bad times in the past when she fought with him.

"Tony" she begins but he just shakes his head at her and she stops. She doesn't know where this is going to go but she's concerned.

"I spent all afternoon doing this for you and then you go and stand me up with no notice or anything" was his statement, and yeah he's angry.

"I tried-" she was attempting to explain but when he cut her off she knew he wasn't interested in the reason, he was too upset at this point for that.

"I need you more than ever now and you weren't here" he said, looking up at her with sad eyes. She can almost feel the pain in his heart right in this moment. "I don't know what to do with myself and I still don't remember anything and I have my meeting at work in two days and you are the only thing keeping me sane, but then you don't turn up tonight and I'm left with no one. How do you think I feel right now Ziva?" he gets out, pointing an accusing finger in her direction. He's upset that she wasn't there, she'd let him down when he needed her most.

"You promised me we would not do this again" she said, closing her eyes because now she's really upset. She hates fighting with him.

"We promise according to our hopes, and maybe I just hoped for the wrong things with you" he replied with and that one cut her deep. She realises just how much she had upset him now.

"Don't say that, I wish you would just understand" she said quietly. They were fighting again and maybe she had too much hope to believe that they wouldn't. "What happened? What happened to these past few weeks? Has this meant nothing to you and you will throw it all away over this?" she asked him as she looked up at him, this time picking up her tone of voice.

"You want to know what happened to me? You. You happened to me" his voice was raised and it was angry in its statement. "I rely on you too much and when I can't have you with me when I need you most it does this to me, it breaks me down and tears me apart and I don't know if that's a good thing" in his anger he was being so blatantly honest it was like a slap to the face.

"You are a little broken Tony but you are not weak, you can stand on your two feet without me because I know you are that strong, stop doubting yourself goddammit!" she challenges him because she knows he has it in him to move forward without her. He's still the man he used to be deep down and he is one hell of a strong hearted man. He just needs to realise it. And at that comment she got him, he went silent.

"Every time we do this, every time we have ever fought I always tell myself that I'm done trying so hard to get you back, but really I know that I'll never stop because I care about you too much to give up. And right now you need to realise how strong you are and that you can do this on your own if you really need to, I don't need to hold your hand and you know it, you just need to dig deep in that heart of yours and realise your potential Tony" she said because for him to do this, to get better, he needs to be that strong and smart man that he used to be. No matter how much she loves him being so open and honest to her, he needs to be the man he used to so he can get through this and she is only just realising that now.

"I don't know how to not rely on you" he said, this time his voice was quiet and his anger was all but disappearing now. Because he realises she is right about this. She knows him better than himself.

"You need to put a barrier between your heart and your head, it's the only way we work" she admitted. She cannot believe she is telling him this because it's so honest of her to admit something like this. That statement has been the only way she has been able to stay stable over the years when it comes to him, and she knows he's much the same. He just needs to build that wall again between his mind and his heart, no matter how much it kills her to tell him to do it.

He looks away from her because he knows what it means. He needs to not let his heart do the talking and rely on his broken mind when all he has been doing since his accident has been trusting his heart. But things need to change and he needs to move forward if he ever wants to get better.

When he looks back and nods at her she knows he's decided to listen to her, to take her advice and do what needs to be done. She doesn't know exactly where it will leave their relationship but that's something she will have to take on the chin, because it's all for the better if it makes him heal faster or at all.

He steps towards her then and she doesn't know what is about to happen because there's this look in his eyes and he's staring at her. But when he brings out his arms and pulls her into his chest, holding her close she cannot help but hold onto him in return. She knows this hug means she is forgiven for standing him up earlier and she knows why he forgives her. It's the exact same reason why she always ends up forgiving him for the same reason.

Sometimes you only forgive someone because you can't stand not having them in your life.

"I know you can do this Tony, you just need to let me go" she said as she pulls him tighter to her. And he knows exactly what she means, she means he has to think on his own and not run to her for savoir.

It's just hard because he knows exactly what sort of feelings he has for her and how much after his accident that he has begun to rely on her. Saying this is going to be easy would be a lie.

* * *

**I bet no one saw that coming! **

**Anyways I would love to hear your thoughts on where I took this one! **

**I leave on operation tomorrow so I most likely won't have an update for this for a month considering no computer and internet as I will be busy doing all my army stuff, however I shall return with an update as soon as I get back and hopefully you will all be here still! Sorry for the inconvenience of being away, it just what happens when I'm a solider. **

**Hundan. **


	17. Chapter 17

**Hello everyone!**

**So I have been gone for a while but my operation has finished and I have returned safely to where I belong, writing on here. I hope you enjoy this one after the little bit of the wait, I tried to write it as soon as I could when I got my computer back. **

**Hundan.**

* * *

Since their argument two days ago she hasn't really spoken much to Tony. And yeah this was meant to be for the better, but she wouldn't say it was easy. She knows he has probably needed her to console in about his meeting with Vance, but he hasn't because he's trying to get better at handling things without her. For the better of course.

Coming into work this morning she was nervous, and not because of the case they were working on, no, today was the day Tony had his meeting with the physiologist and Director Vance. And if she is this nervous for him, she wonders how bad he is right now.

* * *

He's changed his outfit three times already, redone his hair multiple times in the last twenty minutes and he's had far too much coffee to be considered healthy in one morning. To say the least he was very nervous about today. He was so close to going over and talking to Ziva last night but in the end he held back, because like she said he can do this without her, she doesn't need to hold his hand. And while he thinks maybe she is right, he still wouldn't mind her soft hand in his to help him.

He has an hour until he has to be at NCIS to see Director Vance, that hour is going to feel like forever at this point. Lucky for him his phone started to ring. He picked it up off his bed and looked at the caller ID. Sam.

"Hey Sam" he answered. He'd half expected the call was going to be from Ziva, but then again he should have known better.

"Hey Tony, how are you feeling this morning?" he asked, because he knew what today was for Tony. And the fact he was calling to check in on him meant a lot to Tony.

"Really nervous, but I think it's going to be okay" he replied honestly.

"That's good. I know you will be alright today, I mean you can pretty much gather what's going to happen" Sam explained, because he and Tony had already discussed this and Tony knew that Sam was right. The meeting won't tell him too much more than what they already know themselves and another meeting will just be set up at a later date to see if any more progress has been made.

"Yeah, I still cannot help but be nervous, I mean I've already changed three times" he explained with a nervous chuckle. And the fact he will most likely see Ziva there didn't make his nervousness calm down at all.

It's been only two days but he's already dying to see her. He feels like he is almost addicted to her, and it happened to be an addiction that he needs to let go of. At least to an extent. He doesn't think he would be able to ever fully let her go.

"You'll be fine. And you know I've always got my phone on me at work so just call if you need to anytime in the day" Sam explained. He knows Tony is in a little bit of a rough patch with Ziva at the moment, they talked about it the other night.

"Yeah I will, thanks Sam" Tony replied. He was really thankful for a friend like Sam, one that always was there for him if he needed him. Tony is lucky in that way, he's surrounded by a lot of people that are there for him. Even if he struggles to be there for all of them sometimes.

"You're always welcome Tony, anyways I got to head off but I will talk to you later, good luck" Sam replied before hanging up. Tony knows he better get going too, because it's almost time to face the music and go to work for the first time since his accident.

* * *

When he pulls up to the front gate of the Navy base his nerves are through the roof. He knows he shouldn't be nervous because this was going to be alright, but pulling up to the gates with marines on guard was a little unnerving. However when Tony got close the marine at the gate smiled at him as he walked up to his window.

"Hey there Agent DiNozzo, it's been a while since I've seen you around" the young marine smiled, like he knew him. This was weird for Tony because this was the first time someone had referred to him as Agent DiNozzo, and yeah it felt strange. It's going to take a while to get used to that. Tony just greeted him back like he knew him and the marine let him through. However Tony had no idea where he was meant to park his car because he didn't remember.

He went to the front door of the building once he found somewhere that looked okay for him to park his car and all around him were people dressed in suits, many with weapons attached to their hips. Most of them would be agents, just like he used to be. He had also adorned a suit today and he was clean shaven, because he knows that's the kind of agent he was. It's what Ziva had told him.

He walked into the front door of the building and there were security guards by metal detectors, on the entrance watching who comes and goes. They smiled and said hello to a lot of people, the agents they would see every single day. Tony walked through them and one of the guards said hello to him and smiled, but the smile was different, it was almost concerning.

Maybe this guard knew what happened to him. As he proceeds to the front desk he starts to realise that many of the people in this building were giving him that concerned look. He realises then that the word about him getting shot must have really got around.

He gets to the front desk and the older guy behind the counter stands up when he sees him and reaches over the counter to shake his hand. Tony went along with it.

"Anthony, it's good to see you, you look well" he greeted him. That's also the first time someone has addressed him by his full first name. And yeah, this guy definitely knew about his accident. Tony could read it on his face clear as day, no matter how good he was hiding it, Tony just seemed to read him easily.

Tony can tell this man knows him personally, and maybe it's because he's seen him every day for the many years that he's worked here at NCIS. Tony is not really sure, because he doesn't exactly remember. Maybe one day he will, but he's not keeping his hopes up at this point. And for some reason the man behind the counter looks at him and before he asks Tony the next question he answers it himself.

"I will call someone to come down and take you upstairs" because he doesn't remember how to find his way around here anymore, and the old guy in front of him just _knew. _Tony thanked him before looking around and watching all the people coming and going, many of whom looked at him. They know him. They probably know him better than he really knows himself, and that's a scary thought.

He watches a kid walk out of the elevator who came straight in his direction. It must be the agent that has come to show him the way. He didn't look like an agent though, he looked like one of those teenagers who live with their parents until they are thirty and just spend all day playing computer games. He didn't look very old either.

"Hey Tony" he said nervously, he seemed like he wasn't sure how to handle this situation. The kid obviously knows him. Tony said hello back hesitantly, because he didn't know who he was exactly. The young agent with the curly dark hair seemed to catch on.

"Oh, I'm um, I'm Dorneget" he said even more nervous than he was a second ago.

"Nice to see you" Tony said. This guy was getting more and more nervous the more they stood here. Tony had a feeling it had something to do with him.

"So you're the one taking me to the Directors office?" Tony asked. Because he wanted to move this along. He didn't want to be late for his first meeting with the Director, he wants this all to go as best as possible, because he's nervous enough. And Dorneget being all flustered and nervous doesn't help.

"Um yeah, follow me" he said and he led the way back to the elevator. Tony followed his lead. It was an almost awkward silence because Tony could tell Dorneget wanted to speak up about something and probably ask a million questions. But he didn't have it in him to really ask. So the entire trip on the elevator was silent. Tony wasn't quite sure what to think about this agent.

They stop at a floor and a couple more agents got on. Again they looked at him strangely, like there was something wrong with him or they knew some gossip about him that they are not sharing. He tried to ignore it the best he could. Had it always been like this coming into work? Or was this only since his accident?

The next time the elevator stopped he and Dorneget got off on that floor. The walls in this place were bright orange, something he did not expect from a federal agency building. He was now in some sort of office complex, and it was very busy. He and Dorneget walked along the edge of some offices and that was the point when he saw familiar faces.

At first he'd seen the grey hair of Gibbs as the older man instructed something to people. Then he'd seen Tim, and at last his eyes had settled on the back of Ziva's curls. Because he would know her curls if he saw them anywhere. So _this _is where he used to work. _This_ was where he did some of the things he used to do best. Ziva hadn't seen him yet but Tim's eyes had fallen on him and Tony wasn't quite sure what to make of Tim's look because he smiled, but when he did he looked worried.

What that gaze meant Tony was not too sure. There was also another guy in the office that he didn't recognize, it must be the agent that Ziva had told him about. The one who had temporarily replaced him. There was a slight feeling in him that his territory had been trespassed on, and just looking at this agent brought this out in him. He's not exactly sure where it had come from, but it had come from somewhere.

It wasn't until he was walking past their office block did Ziva turn around and see him. A soft smile graced her face because she was confident in him, and maybe glad to see him here where he belongs after so long being gone. And then she was looking away so quickly again, because she was busy at work and she had a job to do. And today, so did he. Dorneget takes him upstairs and while Tony follows his eyes look out over the office and he watches Ziva and the team work. He wonders if she knows he's watching her right now. The way she fuses with her computer a little too much he thinks yeah, maybe she does.

He and Dorneget end up in a little office with a secretary who smiles at him and he knows that he's almost there. He's only seen and spoken to Director Vance a few times since his accident so he doesn't know him all that well, but he knows one thing, he needs to make this man see his improvement, otherwise his agent days may be over.

He sees that as a bad thing, even if he may not remember exactly what it was like to be an agent. All he knows is all the people close to him are there and want him back. Because it's where he belongs. The secretary tells him he can go in now and Dorneget goes off and leaves him to his fate alone. Because this was now something he had to do on his own esteem.

He knocked on the door and the Director called him to come in. Taking one last deep breath to try and calm his nerves a little before opening the door and walking in. Director Vance stood up from behind his desk and smiled at Tony. Ziva's told him Vance can be very nice, but also he can have a hard arse streak. Today it seems as though his nice side is the one taking point. Vance held out his hand and much like the man at reception downstairs Tony shook it in return.

"You're looking good DiNozzo" he said, and again being addressed by that name felt so unfamiliar.

"Last time you saw me I probably wasn't at my best Sir" Tony said with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood of the room more. When Vance smiled in return it settled his nerves a little. What Tony won't know is Vance was smiling because he could hear the old Tony still deep in him with that comment. And that was important.

"That is true. Please, take a seat" Vance said as he pointed at the large table behind Tony. Tony did so and took a seat, where Vance came and sat next to him.

"How has everything been? Have you had much development?" Vance asked. This was the beginning to Tony's first re-evaluation.

"I have been not too bad, I've gotten a lot stronger than I was a month ago" he explained, Vance nodded at him and wrote something down on the file in front of him.

"How has your wound been?" he asked, looking towards the scar on the side of his head. Tony knows you can still see it, his hair wasn't long enough to cover it yet. Tony turned his head and let Vance have a better look.

"It has actually been the least of my worries, the doctor said it's healed very well" Tony said. Vance leant forward and had a closer look at the scar now permanently with Tony. As Director of a federal agency Tony thinks this man has probably seen his fair share of battle wounds.

"It does look quite good actually" Vance agreed "You are lucky" he added. Tony doesn't really think he is that lucky considering but he guesses he could have ended up a lot worse than he is. He's walking around and talking perfectly fine, so Vance is pretty right about him being lucky in the end. Vance leant back.

"And how is everything else?" he continued. Vance didn't outright say it but Tony knows he is now asking about his memory. Tony paused for a moment and Vance did notice that he did.

"In simple terms, I still don't remember anything more" Tony said, and yeah his tone was a little negative about it but could you really blame him? He watched Vance note that down.

"I've spoken to your doctor and I will speak to Dr Wolf when he is finished with you later, your doctor said there is still a very small chance that you will remember, but it is slim. Don't think however that just because you don't remember that we are just going to drop you and forget about you, we surely won't. You've been a very important agent here for a very long time. However how we go about this is tricky" he began to explain. And so far this conversation seemed to be heading in a direction Tony liked the sound of. The type of one that gave him an endgame to set his sights on.

"If you don't regain memory or you regain a little bit of your memory, it's your decision but we can retrain you as an agent. If that is something you don't feel like you want to continue with we can support you with trying to find your feet some more on a different path. If you do remember at some point we can put you through the necessary tests and hopefully have you back in your team" he explained, and really that was a lot of different things for him to decide on. And really now that he has those options laid out in front of him he's not really sure what he wants to do. Would he go back to his old job? He knows everyone would like him back but could he really? After what has happened? He's really not too sure anymore.

"It's all your decision in the end" Vance added and Tony knows that, he just thinks that it will be a really difficult decision to make.

* * *

After talking to Dr Wolf Tony was starting to understand just how different he is. Sure Ziva has said he's different but only by how shocked the doctor was Tony could tell he was quite different when it came to some aspects of who he was. Sure he was the same man and liked the same things, but the way he shared personal things, the way he was so open to anyone, it was more different than what Dr Wolf had truly expected.

Being faced with all this information today Tony had a lot to think about. Vance pretty much explained he had his job back if he was willing to retrain and continue, but he also left him with the option that he didn't have to if he didn't want to. And right now Tony honestly doesn't know what to do.

He knows what everyone else wants but not exactly what he wants. He's never really thought about what he wants for his future, he's mainly been thinking about trying to get his memory back. Which isn't working right now how he would like it to. Or is that really how he would like it to be? What's it going to be like if he gets his memory back? Will it make him even more confused?

Maybe this was just his chance to start fresh, begin with something new in his life and give up being a cop and a federal agent. It's not exactly like he's so young anymore and he knows at this point he's not close to having a wife and kids, even though deep within him he knows it's something he wants. Maybe it's time to start changing his priorities in life.

Not that he wasn't happy before his accident (as far as what he has gathered) he thinks just maybe he spent too much time focused on his job more than anything else. And maybe it's time now to change that. He doesn't know how yet but he thinks the best he can do is at least try.

"Sorry I'm late buddy" Sam says as he sunk into the seat opposite him at the table. He'd come to join Tony for dinner and it was while Tony waited for his friend that he'd gone off in his though process about his future.

"It's alright, I haven't been here long" Tony smiled at his friend. Sam had been good for him since his accident and they had become really close friends since that day Sam had helped him out.

"So, tell me, how was your interview and everything? Did it go alright?" Sam asked. He'd worried about his friend all day today.

"It was pretty much just what you said it would be. I was a little nervous going in but once I starting talking to my boss it wasn't as bad" Tony explained.

"What did they say? Anything helpful?" Sam continued to ask.

"Pretty much I can still work there and they will just retrain me" Tony said. He watched his friends smile grow.

"That's great news, right?" Sam asked, excited. However when he saw Tony look down at the table he grew concerned. He thought Tony wanted his job back, it's all he could speak about before the interview.

"I'm not sure if I want my job back" Tony stated.

"What brought on the change of heart?" Sam asked. He wondered what it could have been that had changed Tony's mind but he didn't have much of a clue to what it could have been. It wasn't Ziva, was it? He knows Tony hasn't been seeing her for a little bit.

"I just think that maybe this is my chance to change my priorities in life, you know? Focus more on myself instead of my job so much" Tony explained. And yeah, Sam could understand. He's been in the same profession all his life and sometimes he feels like a change would be good, but he's too addicted to his job at the same time so it never happens.

"What would you do for your job if you weren't going to work at NCIS anymore?" Sam asked. Because if his friend was serious about this he had to be practical.

"See, that's where it gets me. I've only ever been a cop and it's not like I remember that stuff anyways" Tony said. This was hard and it was confusing. But since his accident nothing in Tony's life had been easy. Sam let out a breath and ran a hand through his hair as he tried to think this over.

"I guess you could do something that didn't need too much pre-training for it, you're a smart guy you could do a lot of things, we just need to find _what_" Sam explained.

"Are you really serious about this?" Sam went on. Because if he was he would have to start looking for this job sooner rather than later. He's not going to last on his savings as money forever. It was Tony's turn this time to run a hand through his hair and sigh. This was frustrating.

"That's it, I don't know what to do" Tony admitted. Sam knows what Tony needs to do, because there is one person that knows him better than anyone else. And she's the one person who will know exactly what will be best for him. It's just Tony hasn't spoken to her in a short while because he was trying to do this without her and on his own. So Sam doesn't know if he will like his plan.

"You need to ask her, she'll know exactly what is best for you" Sam said quietly. And he didn't need to say her name for Tony to understand who he was talking about right now.

"I can't Sam, I have to do this without her you know that" he shook his head. He wasn't going to. He can't bring her in now when he has already decided to do this on his own. He cannot keep falling back to her.

"Tony for this you have to, she knows you better than anyone" Sam argued. Sam knew Tony yeah, but not like Ziva. No one knew him like Ziva did. And Tony knows his friend is right but he doesn't know if he can do this.

"I can't Sam" Tony repeated. This was the point where Sam gave him a certain look and went quiet, stared at Tony until he really looked at him. When he did he spoke up.

"As your friend I am telling you, if you cannot decide this on your own you need to go see her" Sam lectured. Tony stared at his friend. He was right, even if going back to her was against the decision he made. It's going to be difficult Tony knows that, especially after telling her he needs to do this sort of thing on his own. But simply right now he didn't know what to do with himself and he knows she will. She always knows when it comes to him.

"Okay" Tony agreed. He had no other option, because he really didn't know where to go from here without her. He doesn't think he ever truly knows what to do with himself without her.

* * *

**I hope you liked it!**

**I was meant to be sent on operation for another three months but considering I need possible knee surgery I am no longer allowed to be sent with my unit. The one good thing about that is I will be around to continue writing! I will update as soon as it is written as always!**

**Hundan. **


	18. Chapter 18

**Wrote this as fast as I could in between life and work. I hope you enjoy it! Thanks to all the comments on the last chapter, sorry if I don't manage to reply to you, I try to reply to as much reviews as I can when I get time. **

**Oh and there's like one swear word in this, so warning for that. **

**Hundan.**

* * *

Two days later and he still couldn't decide on his own. He'd been pacing his apartment and trying to figure out what ways he could go about this that would be best for him and his future, but he's just not sure. He doesn't know what life to decide on and he's now at the point where he needs to go see _her_. Because she is his last option.

This is what leads him to her apartment, hesitating outside the door. He cannot hesitate any longer and so he knocks.

And then he waits.

He hears her footsteps inside the apartment. He's a little nervous, he hasn't talked to her in a few weeks, he's only seen her briefly when he walked to the Directors office at NCIS. And now here he is, at her door about to break the deal that he made with her, the one where he's meant to do this without her. But he's found out, he cannot fully do it alone, he still needs her help.

The footsteps stop and then the door swings open.

When she sees him she's quiet, he guesses she doesn't really know what to say because neither does he. It's been too long.

"Hey" he says quietly, because he's just a little speechless. The amount of time that he spent pacing his apartment trying to decide what to do, he'd not thought once about how he was going to approach this conversation with her.

She has no idea why he is here or what is going on, but it might have something to do with his meeting with Vance the other day, it just took him a little while to come see her. And she knows why, because he made her a deal and he is probably breaking that deal right now it just took him a few days to make the move. Did she ever think that he would stay true to his promise? She knew he would break it sooner or later, because it's him. And he can never stay away from her long enough.

New Tony or old Tony, it's always been the same.

"Do you want to come in?" she asked. She should really say no to him when he falls back to her like this when he shouldn't, but she can really never say no to him. Even if she has her ups and downs with him, she'll always care about him too much.

"Yeah, thanks" he says as she moves aside for him and he quietly walks in. He doesn't know if they should sit down and start talking or if he should just have at it right this minute and start talking. Eventually after a few seconds he makes a choice.

She's looking at him quietly and so he just goes for it. Because this is his entire move and she's waiting him out.

"I know what I said a few weeks ago about how I have to make decisions on my own…" he began, because this was a bit difficult, explaining that he wants to break the deal he made "But I have realized that when faced with trying to decide my future I just cannot do it without the person that knows me better than myself" he stated and then he watched her carefully. Waiting for her reaction. Right now she was still quiet and staring at him with a certain look in her eyes that he couldn't place, so he really didn't know what to think.

She lets out a long breath and looks away from him for a minute, because yeah he was sort of throwing this all on her now and it's not like it was easy for either of them to let go in the beginning when they made that deal. But it had to be done.

"You cannot keep doing this to me Tony" she said very quietly, avoiding looking at him. He could feel the hurt in her voice right now, the one he put there. He doesn't realize just how much he plays around with her emotions when he changes his mind like this all the time, because this wasn't the first time he's done this now.

"I know, I shouldn't do this to you because I hate how it makes you feel" he explained, because really he did. He's just an idiot and he keeps making the same mistakes. Finally she looked up at him, however he didn't like the hurt look in her eyes. Why did he have to always upset her like this? He's told himself this before but he hates himself for what he does to her sometimes.

"Then why do you do it Tony?" she asked, because she was upset and she wants this to be the last time, no matter how much she loves him she doesn't think she can take much more of this.

"Because I don't realize how important you are until I walk away and realize I fucked up again" he raises his voice a little because he's mad with himself right now, because he needs to stop being so stupid otherwise he's going to lose her. He might already have. When he made the deal with her it didn't mean they couldn't see each other, they just didn't. And maybe they are just drifting apart because it's too much. So maybe he has lost her already, and really it's his own fault.

He can see the tears building in her eyes, the ones he has put there.

"Then stop walking away" she whispers, her pleading him to stop doing it. He looks away from her because he cannot take it, the reason he is here is to figure out if he's going to stay or walk away from his life, so her words hit him hard and he suddenly realizes what one deep down he wanted to do more than the other. He wanted to walk away from it.

He cannot walk away from her again, not when she's looking at him like _that_.

"I need to walk away from everything, but I don't want to walk away from you" he forces out, because yeah that was hard to say. He's only just realizing what he needs to do in life. He needs to get away, so he can move forward. But he cannot bring himself to leave her again. His heart cannot let her go.

She's even quieter than before, what did he mean? Walking away from everything?

"What are you trying to say?" she asked, and he heard when her voice shook a little. She was worried and she was upset and it was showing. He hated himself right now, seeing her like this crushed him inside. So why does he do it? For what reason?

"I need to do something else with my life, right now I just need to get away" he said. Maybe it will make him remember, if he gets as far away from everything as possible. He knows when Gibbs came over the other night randomly and he tried to talk to him about what he's got on his mind, that Gibbs could see something Tony couldn't. Maybe Gibbs saw this coming.

"Tony" her voice rasped. She was close to breaking.

"I don't know what else to do" he said, and right now he was starting to break too. He didn't know what else to do in life because he doesn't know his life. His life was taken from him and now he just needs to start over again. He just cannot let her go at the same time.

"Don't do this" she gets to the point where a tear escapes her. She doesn't want him to leave but it's what he wants to do. He needs to get away. She doesn't know how she would handle it, two weeks has been hard enough.

"I have to Ziva, but I can't walk away from you" he tells her. Seeing her cry had him wanting to reach out and grab onto her, to never let her go. Right now his heart was breaking and it was all because of his own decisions. A decision that he knows he has to make.

"You cannot leave" she shakes her head. If she really, and _really _thinks about it she knows getting away could be good for him, it will give him a chance to breathe and think a little more. But she doesn't want him to go because she cannot have him so far away from her. She needs him around her, he's a part of her. He always has been.

"I have to Ziva, I cannot keep living like this. I'm going to go insane. I need to make a life for myself" he said. He wants to take her with him but he knows he can't. She has her career and her life here and he cannot ask her to give it all up for him, just because his life needs a change. He will never make her sacrifice her life for him, no matter how much he loved her.

"You have a life Tony, it's here, with Gibbs and Tim, Ducky and Abby. With me" she explains because he cannot leave that all behind, can he?

"Except for all my friends the only other thing I have left here is pain, and I need to move on from that. I don't want to be like this all my life. Sure on the outside I may look fine but I have far too much going on in my goddamn head and I am about ready to explode. I cannot take this and I need some space to breathe" and now the truth was all coming out of him. He didn't know it was actually in there until now, and maybe she just always brought out the truth in him like this because she was part of him.

She begins to shake her head again, because no, he cannot do this.

"But I cannot leave _you_. Thinking about moving on without you tears me apart and I just don't think I can do it" he says and he takes a step closer to her. Things need to change in his life but the one thing that has to stay the same is her, because it's not right without her there. "I've been an ass to you and all I do is cause you pain so I have no idea why it is you always forgive me, but I am grateful for it. And no, I don't expect you to forgive me for walking away from my life right now, all I hope for is that you don't forget me. We are going to be apart but it won't stop me from having you in my heart as I try to get through this" maybe if he gets though this, he gets better, then he can return. Then maybe he won't feel as suffocated where he truly belongs with all his friends.

And yeah another tear falls down her cheek at that.

"You will never leave my heart Tony" she says as she looks up at him with wet eyes full with pain and heartache. Because he's doing this and he's not changing his mind. She knew as soon as she figured out she loved this man that he was going to be the most difficult person she would ever love, but she couldn't stop herself from loving him. "And I will always be here waiting for you whenever you come back" she whispered. This was not happening right now, he wasn't going and she wasn't letting him go. But yet, it was.

He nods towards her because he just knows she will always wait for him, because he in turn would always wait for her. This was the point where she crumbled and he opened his arms and embraced her as she fell against him. Right now she needs him to hold her on her two feet because this was all too much weight for her to take in all at once. He's leaving and it's breaking her, because he's her rock, he always had been. But hadn't she been the one that told him that he needs to let her go? God, she needs to think before she speaks more often.

"When are you leaving?" she whispers against his neck. Because even if she doesn't want it to happen he is leaving, and she has to live with it. He pulls her tighter to him and she knows as soon as he does that she's not going to like the answer.

"Maybe tomorrow or the next day" he forces out. He knows it has to be sooner rather than later. The more he stays around her the more he won't want to leave, but he has to leave. He wants to get better and this is how he is going to do it. He just knows it deep in his bones, in his gut that this is what he has to do. No matter how hard it is. He needs to see Vance and do the rounds before he leaves, if he doesn't say goodbye to all his friends before he goes he knows he won't be forgiven.

"That's too soon" she says as her arms curl around him tighter. She cannot let him go, not now. She's at that point in her life where she wants to start a family and she thought she'd already partly got there because she'd found the one she wanted to share that family with. But things happen and life changes. Maybe she will still have to wait for that family, because she cannot love anyone else like she loves him.

"I know" because yeah, even if it is his decision it's too soon for him as well. It just has to be done like this.

That was the point where Ziva leant back and looked up at him, right into his eyes. He could see that she was still very upset because losing him like this wasn't fair, but really in reality is life ever perfect? It's only ever perfect in the movies.

When she looks down at his lips briefly he knows exactly what she is going to do, and to be honest he's not going to pull away from her, in fact he finds himself to be the one leaning closer first because he needs this as much as she does right now. Because if he's leaving her, he wants to take more memories of her that he can, and right now to have more memories with her he needs to make them, because he doesn't remember all that they had in their past.

When her lips touched his he knows right that minute that this was going to be so much harder to walk away from. Why is he doing this? Why is he kissing her right now? He was making things harder for himself, but in the end he knows that not kissing her would be something he would regret. You don't say goodbye to the woman you love without kissing her with all your heart.

Her hands around his back gripped onto the fabric of his shirt, she was not letting him go right now. Not until she was finished with him. If he was going to leave her she was going to have a goodbye from him that she could remember, one that she could hold onto until the day she saw him again. Because she honestly didn't know how long he would be, he could be gone a few months, he could be gone a few years. She just knows she has to make him remember who he belongs to.

Her.

Her lips are soft against his, and he feels like he remembers them that way but he's not too sure how. He never wants this feeling to go away, ever. When he brings his hand up to hold the side of her cheek, to kiss her just right, he can feel the wetness of her skin, the reminisce of her tears. He feels bad about that and he should, but right now he wants to make her love him, not be upset with him. And with the way her lips become more insistent on his he thinks he's doing an okay job so far.

He realises then that she's not going to let him go and he doesn't plan on letting her go until she feels as loved as she is.

The kissing starts to become hungrier and more desperate and when her hands gripping his shirt start to tug a little more than before he's starting to realize exactly where this is heading right now. He knows all it will do is make letting her go harder than it already is, but maybe he's willing to face that pain if he can simply have this night with her, being completely in love.

He pulls away from and stares down at her and she looks right at him. The tears in her eyes have dried up and now her eyes stare at him not in sadness but in love, in want. It has been far too long and all she needs right now is him.

"Ziva, I know I don't remember anything, but I know my heart still remembers you" he said, because he wanted her to know. He knows it's true because he can feel it so deeply in his heart, that familiarity with her. How she just feels right, how she belongs. Just how much he loves her.

"My heart hasn't belonged to anyone else in a long time" was her reply. It was a rather open comment to follow his, he wasn't exactly expecting her to follow with as much openness as him. But she had, and they both pretty much all but admitted their feelings, which was a very big, and difficult step to take right here and right now. Considering he was leaving especially. But it had to be said, it needed to be said.

And the fact his memory was taken from him but his heart still remembered her, that had meant so much to Ziva, much more than Tony would ever know. Because it's just more proof that deep down he's still in there. He may be buried deep, but he's in there, her Agent big D, little I, big N and little Ozzo was still in there.

He watched as she stared at him with complete love. Yes, this woman was so deeply in love with him, he could see it right now and it made his heart in his chest go tight and beat fast. Because somewhere deep down inside of him he knows he loves her right back in the same way, whether he remembers or not how he fell in love with her it doesn't matter, he knows he is.

He doesn't give it one more thought when he pulls her close again and presses his lips back against hers. She kisses him back in return as soon as he does. It wasn't long before the kiss became very heated and hands started to roam, items of clothing started to be lost to the floor in favour of the intimate skin on skin contact it produced.

He doesn't remember the last time this happened and he knows she does, he wonders if it will be any different than the last time, because he's not exactly the same like he used to be.

Their naked and tangled bodies eventually find their place in her bedroom as they fall together in a heated mess onto the mattress, hands and lips taking in every part of skin. Loving each other with a fiery built up passion that had been in waiting for too many years since the last time. And for some reason Tony felt like this was familiar to him, like he knew her body like this. Like he remembered what it felt like to make love to her.

Deep down he knows he does, he can just_ feel_ it.

* * *

When he wakes the next morning he is _so_ content. She's in his arms and all but melted up against him.

He turns his head to look at the clock. 0500. It's too early to be awake, so why is he? He has no clue, all he knows is right now it's probably better to be awake, so he can have something more to hold onto in his memories of her. Lying in bed with her like this, wrapped up after making love to her the night before. It was a very good memory to hold on to. He didn't plan on ever letting it go.

He has no idea how this morning will go down, last night was just everything upsetting mixed with passion and love. He wonders if when she wakes she'll be mad at him because she doesn't want him to go, or if she'll cry when he tries to leave. He's really not prepared for this because whatever one it is going to be, it will be very hard and painful on his heart.

What if he was to leave now? Before she woke?

No. He cannot do that. She would not forgive him ever for doing that, no matter how easier it would make this morning.

He's leaving and he's not changing his mind about it but he cannot help it when his arms tighten around her because he doesn't really want to let her go. He knows that from the time she wakes up till the moment he leaves all he is going to feel is pain. He has to say goodbye to so many people today and he knows it will drain him. It doesn't help that he has to say goodbye to Ziva first, because it's going to be the hardest.

Making love to her last night was one of the best feelings he could ever imagine, just the way she made his heart flutter and his body reach absolute bliss had him almost breaking. He won't lie, when she closed her eyes and went to sleep he'd let a tear escape. Because yeah this was hard, _so_ hard. But it has to be done.

The thing that got to him the most was the fact that when he let himself go fully with her, as his hands traced all over her skin he couldn't help but feel as though he knew it. He knew how to kiss her, he knew how to touch her, and he knew exactly how to make love to her. And that really gets to him, because he remembers, even if he doesn't exactly remember. It doesn't make any sense to him but he knows it's in there somewhere and he just wishes it would all come back to him already.

This is why he needs to get away, so he can free his mind and maybe, just maybe it will come back to him. It's what he's hoping and praying for anyways.

He decides that no he's not going to leave while she's asleep because she is far too important, she's important enough that maybe if he made her breakfast it would mean just that little bit more to her. Maybe it will just show her that she is very important to her like he says she is. Because he knows how much woman like when their man makes them breakfast. Is that how he is classing himself now? Her man? He doesn't know exactly what they are still, maybe he will never know.

He carefully works his arm from out underneath her and unravels himself as gently as he can, trying not to wake her. He manages to do so and he climbs out of bed, slipping on his boxers. For a minute before he leaves the bedroom he looks down at her, sleeping so contently. He knows he's walking away from her on his own choice, but that doesn't mean it didn't crush him.

Before he walks out of the room he picks up the clothes from the ground and tidy's up a little, because he feels like he should. He walks down the hallway and into the kitchen where he opens up a few cupboard and grabs a few things out, taking care of your woman is important and letting her know that simply by doing little things like making her breakfast can go a long way. And he needs it to, if he's walking out on her like he is.

Then he hears footsteps coming from the hallway.

He turns and looks and Ziva's standing there wrapped up in the bed sheet, looking upset but then a little relieved at the same time.

"You okay?" he asks, because something had made her very distraught. She nods her head slowly, but he's not convinced that she was okay at the moment. But he doesn't blame her, because neither is he. She doesn't say anything so he drops what he is doing and walks around to stand before her at the end of the hallway. Now that he is this close, he can see her teary eyes.

He lifts a hand and brings it to her cheek, to make her look right up at him.

"Ziva, what is it?" he asked, he has a good feeling that it is something to do with him. She shakes her head again.

"It's nothing, it doesn't matter" she says, her voice still a little shaken with emotion. Why would she not tell him?

"You can tell me" he pleads. It must have been a certain look in his eyes or how he said it, but it made her crack and fold.

"I thought you'd left okay, it's nothing" she explains. When she woke up and felt him not there, all she would have thought was that he'd left while she was asleep. And doing that to someone can rightfully crush someone, especially after what happened last night.

He pulls his arms around her tight suddenly and she all but clings to him in return.

"Ziva I wouldn't" he whispers quietly. He couldn't do that to her, he just wouldn't live with himself. He's leaving yes but he doesn't want her to hate him when he does because he left without saying goodbye.

The room goes quiet and they stand there and hug each other close like nothing else in the world mattered, because in this moment, nothing did.

"Please don't go" she pleads. She has no idea what has gotten into her, she never pleads like this and she is never this desperate. Maybe that's because she's never been faced with him leaving her like this, it's always been her leaving him. And now suddenly she realizes how he must have felt when she left all those times. She's the most heartbroken she has ever been.

"Ziva" the way he says her name so softly, filled with so much emotion it grips her heart and twists it in all sorts of ways.

She doesn't want to let go when he goes to pull back and look at her, but in the end she gives up and loosens her grip, but she does not let him go.

"I've been here for months Ziva, trying to remember something and I'm just going nowhere. I need to try something, I don't want to be like this forever" he explained. He knows he already explained himself last night but it seemed as though it's not enough. She cannot let go that easy.

Ziva brought her hand up to his jaw and stared at him only in the way an accepting lover could.

"Tony there is nothing wrong with the way you are now" she said. Because if it really came down to it she didn't care what he did for a job, as long as she had him around she was completely fine with him being, well, just _him_. It's not selfish of her to think like that is it?

He smiles at her because she accepts him how he is, and she'll never expect anything from him except for to just be himself. But does he really know who he is? He knows he could go on living and not remembering who he was exactly but deep down in his gut he knows he needs to, that he needs to do this and that it's going to work. He can only hope his gut is right about this because it will be tough for him, for Ziva, for everyone.

"Just trust me when I say I need to do this" he replied. He said staring at her softly. He needed her to trust him on this.

"I do trust you, it's just… this is hard" she said drawing a deep breath in. Holding herself together today was going to be the main focus of the day.

"I will not leave you in the dark Ziva" he promises her. Because he's not going to just leave and never contact her, no, that is something he wouldn't even be able to do. He needs to get away yes, but he won't leave her behind even if they are miles apart they will still be together.

Suddenly she pulls him to her again and clings to him with all that she can. This is going to be the hardest thing she has ever done, letting him go.

But if you love someone, you know when to let them go.

He leans forward and presses his lips to hers, and it was such a heart breaking kiss. He feels the tear roll down his cheek as he does and she's suddenly kissing him back with all the need in her heart, holding onto him and not wanting to let go at all. She knows she has to of course but that doesn't make it any easier.

All he really does here is upset her, he wants to change that and he knows that he is doing this so he can remember, so he can be the man she needs him to be. If he remembers and he's the man he used to be, he can stop crushing her heart with all the trouble he's causing her when he doesn't remember a thing. He wants, needs to remember for her, for _them_.

He's sick of saying sorry so he has to say goodbye.


	19. Chapter 19

I know some of you have been waiting for this, sorry it took a little while, work has been a little crazy lately. However the last episode had been a very good inspiration and I was able to get this chapter done a lot easier.

As always I hope you enjoy.

Hundan.

* * *

She watches as he walks out of Vance's office and they make their way towards the stairs in full conversation. She knows why he just went in there and she knows exactly what they had discussed. It's not really fair saying goodbye to him this morning and having to see him here at work, knowing what she knows when no one else has a clue what is going on or what is about to happen.

They shake hands and Vance wishes him well from what she can guess, he's taking it rather easy compared to her, well that is understandable really. Unless Tony and Vance have something romantic and personal going on, which she highly doubts.

Tony walks down the stairs and he looks out and catches her eyes, suddenly he's walking slower down the stairs and his focus is drawn in on her. She wants to look away, she should look away but she cannot help but hold his gaze.

She hadn't realized someone was talking to her until her name is called out louder than necessary and both she and Tony look away. She turns and realizes everyone is staring at her in the bullpen with strange looks. She apologizes and starts talking about the case, as if she had been listing all along, even though she hasn't because she had lost all focus when she'd seen Tony. But she seemed to be explaining her findings alright in the right moment right now because they were all listening to her and taking her information in.

However when she stopped talking and McGee took over she glanced her eyes towards Tony again who was now walking right past the bullpen. To say that her heartbeat hadn't gone up right now would be a lie. Her eyes follow him and he's staring at her so intensely right now, as if he was throwing all his feelings for her at her in that one gaze. And yeah, she felt like she needed to sit down right now.

She heard her name being mentioned again and she managed to catch on that she and McGee were being sent out on a lead, however when she turned back to them and away from Tony Gibbs was watching her very closely. He looked between her and Tony who was getting into the elevator right now and it's as though he was catching onto something. Like he'd seen everything between the two of the right in that moment. His gaze made Ziva a little unnerved.

"On it" she replied and went to grab her things from her desk, all the while Gibbs was watching her. Damn, he knew _something_ was up. She hates it when she lets her composer slip like that, but sometimes when it comes to Tony, she cannot help it. Especially considering what happened last night and the fact he is leaving.

As she and Tim walked to the elevator she told him that he was driving, she knows her mind wasn't in the right space to be driving for the next hour. He was very surprised at that comment because when she already had the keys she was always the one to drive, he only ever drove when he had the keys first. She never gave him the keys and told him to drive. _Never._

He wonders what is wrong, because she doesn't seem herself today.

* * *

The car trip is beginning to feel a lot longer than it should, and yeah, it's not like Ziva talks much on long car trips with him because they are both content to listen to the radio quietly together. But this, this is different. She's stared out the window quietly the whole time and she has not said one word to him, that doesn't sit very well with him. He knows something is up, and he plans on finding out. Because he doesn't like his friend being like this.

"You can tell me you know" he says quietly, breaking the silence. He's trying to approach this as best he can, because he doesn't want her to shut down on him. Her gaze doesn't move away from outside the window but she does decide to talk to him.

"There is nothing to tell" she replies and he can tell from that one comment she is going for denial. He doesn't like when she does that, it means something is _really_ bothering her.

"Ziva" his tone is soft and she doesn't like it, because it reminds her too much of what Tony's used to be like when he was worried about her. She knows Tim loves her like a sister so she doesn't expect any less worry from him. And yeah she caves in a little, because Tim is important to her and she really feels like she needs to get this out, let her voice be heard and her problems be understood by someone other than herself. And Tim is always there for her.

"I cannot tell you to a point, because it is not my place to, however I am just having a difficult time… letting things _go_" she says and she looks down at her lap suddenly, still not looking at him. She cannot bring herself to face him, he will see her composer crack if she does.

He has a good feeling what this is about, what it is always about lately. Tony. He wonders if they had a fight again.

He guesses he will find out when it's his time to, but right now he's worried about his friend. He doesn't like when she's down.

* * *

It doesn't take long for McGee to find out exactly what it was that had Ziva so upset, Tony was leaving. And yeah, that made Tim a little upset himself.

Tim received a demanding text from Abby when he and Ziva were out on the lead and as soon as Tim got back to the Navy yard and was able to escape the bullpen he complied with Abby's demand and went and saw her. She was a mess.

She'd had her music all changed to soft jazz and the tear stained eye makeup was evident on her face still and he'd worried who had died, who had been shot. But it wasn't that, no, Tony was just leaving. And yeah that was about as painful as such a drastic event.

The last time Abby was like this was when Tony had been shot.

She told him she wasn't meant to tell him because Tony was going to see him later and tell him personally but Abby needed a shoulder to cry on. She didn't want Gibbs seeing her like this because he would know everything in a second and that wouldn't go down well. And she surely couldn't ask Ziva because that would be asking for trouble. Tony might be like a brother to Abby but to Ziva he was so much more than that, it was so much more intimately personal between them that Abby didn't know how Ziva seemed _almost _normal today. But Ziva had always been good at keeping her emotions pretty in check.

Tim stays with Abby as long as he can before he has to go to work and when he gets back to the bullpen Ziva somehow notices how he stares at her more. And as soon as she looks up and catches his gaze she knows he knows and the sad smile she offers him is not comforting because he suddenly realises just how much she is hurting deep down, and it pains him inside just knowing she's that hurt.

He knows that tonight his duties to both Ziva and Abby as the supportive friend will need to be used a lot and even if Tony hasn't talked to him yet he knows he will.

And no matter how much it will crush him that Tony is leaving them, Tim's going to have to be the strong one on this.

* * *

Vance had taken the news alright, he'd accepted his decision. Abby had been a big mess of tears, McGee it seemed like he saw it coming but he was still very upset about it and Ducky had taken it on the chin and Tony could tell he was upset but he wished him well and told him he looked forward to seeing him return better, hopefully in the near future.

He'd left his old boss till last, because he knows it will be a difficult one. It felt hard to face the older man when it was something this important, he doesn't know why though.

He was really nervous walking into Gibbs' house, Ziva has told him he always just left the front door open but that doesn't make Tony feel any less intruding. Walking into a man's house like this was a very trusting thing, and Tony wonders how exactly he had earned such trust in his past.

He knows where to go of course, from the last time he'd come here and Gibbs had come upstairs when Tony had called out to him after trying to look for him for a good five minutes. Why Gibbs is always down in that cold basement, especially in the winter, was beyond Tony. Tony slowly made his way down the stairs and he'd seen Gibbs down there, working on whatever it was he was making. Ziva told him he used to build boats but lately he'd been building other things, what exactly she wasn't sure because he was pretty secretive about it.

When Tony's feet touched the basement floor Gibbs paused what he was doing and looked over at the younger man.

"Drink is on the bench" Gibbs announced before going back to what he was doing. Tony looked over at the bench behind Gibbs and saw two glasses. One half empty which must have been Gibbs' and one was left untouched. Gibbs had been expecting him? Sometimes he wonders how this man comes to know things. He always seems to know everything, _somehow_.

Tony walked over to the bench and kindly took the drink, he needed a bit of liquid courage at this point.

"You knew I was coming?" Tony asked after he took a couple quiet sips of his drink. He had thought about how to approach this talk, and so far he didn't really know what he was going to say.

"Well Ziver hasn't been herself all day, McGee has been acting like he's hiding a big secret and Abby is an emotional mess" Gibbs explained plainly, like all those signs meant he knew Tony was coming over tonight. Tony guesses that Gibbs knows more than he does, it's not like Tony remembers how to read the signs of his old team, however Gibbs surely does.

"I guess you did" Tony said before he took another sip. He didn't know how to start this. Should he just go outright and say it, or should he work his way up to the explanation? Gibbs knew he was coming, so did he know what it was about, or did he have no idea? This seemed so hard right now he didn't know why. But in saying that telling Ziva was very hard, and he'd made it through that hadn't he? If only just. Then again he can't kiss and make up with Gibbs to make it feel better on his heart.

Actually, sleeping with Ziva had made him feel worse, because it proved how much she meant to him, and what he was leaving behind. He knows it's for the better, that this will help their relationship but it doesn't make it any easier.

"You gonna spit it out DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked as he placed down his tools and finally turned and looked at the younger man properly. Yeah, it was serious talk now. Tony swallowed his nervousness and tried to gather some words.

"I have been thinking a lot lately and I know that me being here is not helping me get any better" he began with, his words quiet. Gibbs watched as Tony's forehead creased as he thought hard about what he was saying. And Gibbs didn't like what his gut was telling him right now, what it had been hinting at all day he was now starting to figure out.

"And things have been really difficult, I mean I can't remember who I was, I don't know how to do my job, I don't remember how I became friends with people, I don't understand how my feelings started and not knowing things about a relationship with someone can really put things in a bad place" he begins to ramble, and maybe he's saying too much, but he really doesn't know what is too much to be telling Gibbs, and that is one of the problems, _he doesn't know_. He's sick of not knowing.

And yeah, Gibbs gut is so tight right now because, shit. He understands exactly what Tony is saying and no, he doesn't like it. He doesn't like that his kids have feelings for each other, because he knows it means trouble. He always wanted to deny that there was something there, always hoped that it would never become anything even though something was there. He was hoping that they were both too stubborn to admit it.

But dammit, Tony is not who he used to be and he's not stubborn like he used to be, he's way more open than he used to be. Heck, old Tony would not be standing here right now confessing such things to him so easily.

"I just need to get away Gibbs because I want things to be how they were, and I just need to try something different. Because right now this isn't working and how I am now isn't good for anyone" Tony explained. Now he was on a roll, he couldn't stop and Gibbs could just feel the emotions coming off him now. He's not used to that.

And yeah, Gibbs didn't really like the idea of Tony going away, because well, he's been around for a very long time now. Gibbs isn't sure how he's going to take this. Tony being away from work had been bad enough.

"And this isn't exactly something easy for me to do, but my life hasn't been easy since I had my accident. Vance offered me to return to work, retrain and things, but I don't think I can do that right now, I'm not in the right place of mind" Tony continued to go on, leaving Gibbs quietly taking in all that he was saying. Suddenly Tony stopped talking and looked a little confusingly at his old boss.

"Are you going to say anything?" Tony asked when he realised he'd been talking the whole time and Gibbs hadn't said anything yet. And he wanted Gibbs' opinion, he wanted to know if the older man thought he was doing the right thing right now.

Gibbs was silent for a long time and he just looked at Tony with something in his eyes, what that was Tony wasn't sure at all. However it seemed somehow important.

"Is there something you want me to say? Because I know you are set in your decision" Gibbs said after a while. And yeah that was true and he was right, but Tony still felt like this would only feel right in the end if the man before him agreed with what he was doing.

"Do you think I am doing the right thing?" Tony then asked. Because he really needed to know. Gibbs sighed and reached for his drink which was next to Tony's.

"If I was in your shoes, I would be doing the same thing. But that doesn't mean it's easy on the people you leave behind" the older man explained after he took a sip of his drink. Tony had a lot that he was leaving behind and Gibbs knows it's going to be hard on all of them.

"I know" Tony said quietly. He hated making people upset, but he has to do this, he needs his memories back and he doesn't know what else to do. He's stuck and he's not moving forward, he needs to reach a destination in his life.

"But we do what we have to in life" Gibbs then said, and it's probably most assuring words he's shared with Tony in a long time. Because yes what Tony is doing is hard on him, on everyone, but it has to be done in order to restore some balance. And right now, Tony needs that balance to be able to move on in life. What he's been through, it's not something easy, it's not something you get over in one night, it can take years to heal from something like this. Because it's not just the physical side of things that rip your life apart, it's also the mentally draining and emotional.

The room falls quiet and Gibbs realises Tony doesn't really know what to say, and so Gibbs asks the one thing that is on his mind right now.

"Where will you go?" Gibbs asked. Because Tony may have thought about leaving, but has he figured out how he's going to do it yet? Where exactly he's going to go and what he's going to do with his time away? Life isn't free to live.

Tony replies to him with a shrug, because he's honestly not too sure.

"I've thought about heading up the coast, seeing what I can find and I guess when I find what I'm looking for I will know" he replies. He's not setting anything in stone, he's not making goals or deciding on what he's going to do, because he doesn't know. And when whatever it is he is looking for finds him, he'll know it right away, that that is where he is meant to be. Some might say leaving his future in the hands of fate is risky, but it's what his gut is telling him to do, so he is going with it.

He doesn't have plans and Gibbs actually thinks that's a good idea. He doesn't know why because it sounds a little crazy, but it just feels _right_ to Gibbs. And Tony is a smart man, Gibbs knows he will find his way, he will find a job. He's got very good people skills and if he had to rely on only that, he'll do fine.

"If you don't find what you are looking for, you are welcome back anytime" Gibbs explains to him. Because he's always welcome back in his home with his family if he doesn't find what he is searching for elsewhere. His family will always welcome him with open arms. Tony nods and gives him a light smile, because yeah just that little comment had meant a lot to Tony, more than Gibbs would probably ever know.

"Anyways I better head off, I still have a little bit to pack" Tony begins, he would love to stay longer and just talk to the older man, but he really needs to leave early in the morning, because if he postpones leaving any longer it will just make it even harder to leave. Tony downs the last of his drink and places the empty glass on the table before holding his hand out to the older man.

Gibbs reached out and shook the younger man's hand. Yeah, he was sad he was leaving, Tony is the one agent who has been with him longer than anyone.

"I know I don't remember but I just know you were a good boss, more than a boss sometimes. And I thank you for always being there for me" Tony says quietly, because this had suddenly turned a little emotional. Ziva has told him a lot about Gibbs and his relationship with him, and knowing what she told him and just talking to him like this, he just _knows_.

Gibbs let a small smile escape.

"You didn't turn out too bad, you've come a long way since I took you in all those years ago" he said. And yeah, for Gibbs that was a bigger comment than people normally get, but if anyone deserved it, it would be the man standing in front of him. "I'm proud of you Anthony" Gibbs adds and yeah, that comment got to Tony. Suddenly he's feeling exactly what Ziva meant when she said Gibbs was family to them, like a father.

"I promise not to let you down" Tony said. Because while he was gone he wanted to get back the man he used to be, at least some of him so he can maybe come back and be that very man he used to. So he can be that friend for all of them, so he can maybe be that agent he used to be. _Maybe_, one day. He's still not sure, he will just know though if he's ever ready to return.

"I have faith that you will" Gibbs replied. Tony gave Gibbs one more nod and a smile.

"Thanks for the drink" Tony said. Gibbs knew that his chat had meant a lot to Tony, that it had helped him and built that confidence in him to go about what he's got planned. Gibbs was happy to be there for him. As Tony turned and walked to the stairs Gibbs knew there was one more thing he had to say to Tony before he left.

"Hey" he calls out as Tony's foot touches the first stair. Tony stopped and turned back and looked at him. "Don't break her heart" he says, the words are hard for him to get out but he says them. Because it's difficult facing the fact that you try and deny, that he and Ziva care far too much about each other. But he has to warn the younger man, because Ziva cannot take one more man breaking her heart. She's had far too much of that and she doesn't deserve it, _especially_ not from Tony.

Tony is a little shocked at first that he'd figured that out. But Ziva did say nothing goes missed by Gibbs.

"I promise I won't" Tony replied before turning and heading up the stairs. That is one promise he knows he will never break, because from now onwards most of what he does is for _them_. He wants to remember and be that man he used to, for them. He wants to know their past, what they have been through, so he can love her exactly how he _knows_ she should be. He wants to know her, not just how he knows her now but how he knew her for the past eight years.

After leaving if he cannot find himself he will return to _her_. If he leaves and finds himself, he will still return to _her_. No matter what happens while he is gone he knows one thing will not change, he will not stop loving her and she is the one he is going to come back to and love until his last dying breath.

His head might be a mess and confused but his heart knows exactly who it belongs to.


End file.
